


There Is No Pain Like That of Desire

by freakshowcorpse



Category: Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Anal Sex, Artist Bucky Barnes, Artist Steve Rogers, Avengers Tower, Bisexual Bucky Barnes, Bucky Barnes Has Issues, Bucky Barnes Is a Good Bro, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Cheating, Depression, Established Relationship, F/M, Female Loki (Marvel), Gay, Gay Steve Rogers, Hurt/Comfort, I Don't Even Know, Interspecies Relationship(s), Jealousy, Kitchen Sex, Light BDSM, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Loki (Marvel) is a Good Bro, Loud Sex, Love Triangles, M/M, Marvel Universe, Morning After, Morning Sex, Oral Sex, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Secret Relationship, Shameless Smut, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-01
Updated: 2018-10-18
Packaged: 2019-06-16 07:58:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 31
Words: 74,661
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15432519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freakshowcorpse/pseuds/freakshowcorpse
Summary: After the fall of Asgard,  Thor brought his people to seek refuge amongst Midgardians while he and his brother are welcomed into the new Avengers Facility.While everyone expected Loki to attempt to rule the world, Loki unwittingly gets caught in an a different predicament; an affair.As two broken souls began to heal and ultimately become interwoven, another is left to burn. Bucky Barnes has a choice to make; his childhood friend turned lover or the strikingly beautiful Asgardian he fell head over heels for.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey all! This is my first time writing Marvel fanfiction and also my first time doing so at AO3. I've been writing fan fiction for years, but I stopped after a whole so I am a little rusty. Hopefully, overtime it will all come back to me.  
> But anyway, enjoy!

Loki looked on as grim silence hung in the air, forever burning this moment into the minds of a whole civilization. Glaring flecks of orange reflected on a pair of wide, glazed, green orbs. Surtur stuck his sword into the heart of their dying homeland. Flames overtook the land like a flood, burning away all the memories it held. Suddenly, Asgard was reduced to mere rubble. But there would be no rubble. No room to rebuild. The remnants of Asgard drifted off into space, the history of its fragments lost in the oblivion of space.

He wanted to take his brothers word for it for once. He wanted not to be consumed by blind rage, blame, and sadness. Loki hung onto his brothers words desperately.

“ _Asgard is not a place. It is a people_.”

And, yes. Loki did help save these people. His people; the very ones that he had become familiar with maybe not by name but just by face. The same face that he had walked among with. The same eyes that watched him grow from afar as time went on. He did something that for once was a selfless act. He saved lives instead of robbing people of it. Despite this, Loki still did not feel accomplished.

There was a certain emptiness in his heart.

The next few days went by in a haze with Loki losing himself to the memory of his home engulfed in the flames that he caused.

There were no relics and no personal belongings he was able to salvage. He couldn't take away even the most meager of things to remember home by. Loki had nothing once again. Only this time it was literal. It wasn't a foreign feeling to the Asgardian but it was no less undesirable. This time it was so much worse. He took everything he had for granted.

Isolated for the most part, Loki spent most of his days alone in his thoughts.

 

* * *

 

 

Loki hardly remembered how he got here. And he couldn't fathom **_why_ ** of all places he had to be placed here. He had attacked Midgard. Suddenly he had the audacity to even attempt to seek refuge here.

The remnants of the Asgardians were sent to a different region of the country where they would have an easier time adjusting to their new, foreign world. They were mere civilians, mostly. An orange vehicle takes the two brothers and Bruce elsewhere. Loki didn't care enough to be wary. He hadn't slept a wink the previous night and the car was kept at a comfortable cool temperature. His brother wore soft Midgardian garments and thus, Loki succumbed to the great oblivion that is sleep. And of course the god of mischief used the older blonde as his pillow. What else would the meathead be used for?

When he awoke, it was too late to make a fuss. They had arrived. From Loki's understanding, he and his brother were placed in Upstate New York. Where, exactly? _The Avengers compound._

The facility that housed every exemplary  individual that was more than capable of slaughtering him for good reason. He massacred 80 people in three days and even more after allowing the Chitauri into New York. He pissed off every single one of them and he was sure all of them still held a grudge. 

So perhaps there **is** an existing deity located somewhere on this miserable shithole pane of existence whose only hobby consisted mainly of dry fucking a hole through Loki's very existence. Of a bountiful list of places he could be, this is where he happened to be.

Thor’s door was shut carefully. The driver turned to Loki. “Are you getting out?”

And Loki huffed, biting his tongue for now because he had bigger things to worry about. He hops out to see Thor was already walking off. Bruce was already with the man with the goatee, hugging him and all that jazz.

“Have you gone mad??” Loki hissed as he pushed forward and strode to his brother.

He stands in his way of meeting the man of iron, an eyebrow arched. His small hand presses up against his brother's chest.

“Have you forgotten _why_ I was imprisoned? Surely you remember that? I remember you were there. What joke are you trying to play on me?!” Loki was seething. Maybe aimlessly drifting through empty  space wasn't so bad after all. This was not the safest place Loki can be.

Thor sighed and gently brushed Loki’s hand away. “Brother, I understand your concern. However I assure you these people mean you no harm. They are friends of mine and they will do you no harm as long as I am here. And as long as you cause no harm as well.”

“Heard that, reindeer games? Be a good Loki or else.” Tony says lightly, which causes Loki to scowl but speak no more. He glares at the blonde in particular.

He steps aside and allows his brother to pass and greet his friend with a hug. And then he followed along through the long path leading them who knows where.

He made notes of exits and potential hiding spots. Loki often turned to look over his shoulder or search the halls through which they pass. Thankfully, no one seemed to be lingering in hopes to slaughter the dark haired god. He still doesn't let his guard down however.

Bruce seemed to pick up on the way his eyes were huge and flicking place to place. He places a hand on Loki's shoulder, ultimately causing him to jump instead of comforting him. But Loki recognized the gesture as a display of kindness. So, he offered the man a shaky smile.

Thor and Tony (he learned he preferred  that name the same way Thor favored his own name instead of ‘oaf.’) chattered amongst themselves. It was his brother who did most of the talking but rightfully so - they did just lose their home. There were lots to talk about. Loki hardly cared to engage in conversation. The silvertongue had nothing to say for once in his life and chose to stay out of their conversation.

This Tony brings them to a well lit (and ill decorated) corridor with numbered doors. Then they are both handed keys with a certain number on each one. Loki says R13. The one the blonde got said R6. Bruce was next to Thor’s room. They were actually plastic cards bearing the logo of the Avengers. A stripe ran across its back. It had even more numbers on it and also his name and other information. Tony explains that this was also a credit card (and also explains the concept of a credit card) and they should not lose it.

“I'll have someone escort both of you to the dining room later. Everything you need will be in your rooms. Alright?”

Silently, Loki clutched the key and stared at it blankly. He nodded his head and turned away very slowly towards the very far end of the hallway.

Before he was out of earshot, Loki could hear Thor thanking Tony for giving them a place to stay. He made a special thank you for opening his doors for his troublesome brother, too.

Loki was not unfamiliar with common decency. Although on a different realm, the same laws still applied. He made a mental note to thank everyone later.

They did not have to do this for him.

The entrances of every unit seemed very far away from one another. Then again, this was the compound that the flamboyant Tony Stark had built. Loki had guessed every room was of large size. This made the hallways that much longer, and it didn't help that the room he was given was at the far end. When he finally arrived, he had already figured out how to use this flat piece of plastic. It would be placed in a slot and then he'd be allowed entry. This is exactly what he does and as he guessed… it worked. He figured Thor would have trouble but he did have Bruce with him to help him put the card in.

And curiously, he wondered if this was how it also worked when he intended to use it to purchase items.

The door automatically swung open and Loki is greeted by a voice that resonated from every room.

“Welcome, Mr. Laufeyson. I am FRIDAY. Please let me know if you have any questions.”

The man, still clad in his usual attire, frowned. The creases in his forehand smoothen when FRIDAY explained she was just an AI and that she was here to help if he ever needed it. He nodded to himself and then took a good look at his dead silent, dull room. His forehead creased again.

“Please, call me Loki. Loki Odinson..”

Aesthetically, Laufeyson was a more well-fitting name for him, but not everything had to be about his glamour and style. He wished to honor his deceased father. Arguably both were deceased and horrible at parenting but the Asgardian one turned out to be slightly better. In the end, Odin seemed to see Loki as his son too.

He interrupts his thoughts once more to survey his new living space. It was very far from his gorgeous, colorful chambers back home. Gold used to line his walls and beautiful drapes framed massive windows overlooking scenic Asgard. Lots of little trinkets and at least two large day beds were in his old room. He had lots of books.. and he had a beautiful vanity with all sorts of beauty products including cosmetics.

Over here the main theme was a dull grey and chrome combination. There were minimal decorations and they lacked personality. They were just geometric and abstract structures. It was far too plain for Loki's taste.

He had to remind himself he was even lucky to have a place to stay. It wasn't all that bad. Just different. He was never the rightful heir to a throne anywhere. Not here, not Asgard, not Jotunheim. He needed to stop acting like he was somebody.

Loki walked around, opening cabinets and drawers to find that they were full. There were towels, wash cloths, blankets of different cloths, clothes, food, and one tiny metal cabinet that was cool inside. It held various drinks ranging from fruit juice to liquor.

Loki plopped down on the floor and held the fridge door wide open. Curiously, he scanned the titles of beverages which none seemed familiar to the Asgardian.

A pretty yellow bottle caught his attention. Mummy loved yellow. So, he opened it.  He brought it to his nose and gave it a wary sniff. It smelled sweet, thus he gave it a small swig. Loki's eyes widened with glee as soon as it hit his tongue and sure enough he found himself chugging all five bottles of the same “mango juice” drink. He reached into the fridge for more and frowned when he realizes he drank the last of it. Inside, there were other juice drinks, but none of these sparked his interest. How could they? He found the best one and the best one he had already finished.

He would have to speak to Tony later. He had two requests listed in his mind already:

  * More mango juice.
  * Permission to redecorate his chambers.



Loki shed his clothing, folding them and gently setting them aside.

“Sir, if you wish to have them washed I can send somebody for them.” says FRIDAY.

“No need, darling. Do tell me where I may bathe.”

Loki returned to the dresser and gathered a casual outfit composed of a black button down shirt and pants that were somehow the perfect size. Everything was for him and most articles of clothing were dark in shade. Greens and blacks, nothing else. Inquisitive minds were definitely at work at the compound. It was a surprise they had managed to get this all together within a short amount of time.

A door swung open for him and FRIDAY lets him know that that was the one. He thanked her once more, but he questioned himself. FRIDAY was just an AI. Why was he being nice? 

Loki comes to the conclusion that he might as well behave and be nice. He could be floating in space. He could be homeless. But thanks to the kindness presented to him, he better be courteous. 

His outfit is placed neatly on the bed and he walked into where FRIDAY directed him to, only to find a gorgeous and far from bland bathroom.

The white marble floor was speckled with gold, as was the sink’s long counter. At the center of the room sat a large tub that resembled a round pool. It had to be about ten feet in diameter. It didn't have any faucets, just silver buttons. Above it was a circular silver plate the same size as the tub with holes on it, so that must be the over the top shower head. Along the tub’s exterior were various bottles which upon closer inspection was a well stocked collection of bath products.

There were a variety of organic shampoos with different purposes, conditioners, soaps of all scents, bubble bath, bath bombs, bath salts, bath scrubs, all sorts of things under the sun. This is what really gets Loki to smile. There were more products here than his own personal collection.

Before he actually gets to bathe, he opens every single one until he settles for a collection of vanilla products. He spends a good amount of time just sniffing the entire selection.

It doesn't take long for him to figure out the buttons. He wasn't his brother.

The shower water comes on in steams similar to rainfall throughout the entire tub. It felt lovely, and it easily gets Loki to relax.

FRIDAY, ever so insightful, turns classical music on for Loki to help him enjoy the cool water cascading down his lean, pallid form. A soft smile curls the corners of his lips.

* * *

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Slightly better than the previous chapter!

Loki slipped into a comfortable robe and wrapped his hair in a towel. He wore a pair of Lacoste flip flops and stood before the large mirror that lined the whole length of the bathroom. The counter was the same length, and it had one large basin in the middle and an automatic faucet.

On one side of the counter is a vanity with hair and skin care products. There were dark bottles of various colognes among them. Everything Loki needed to be his usual diva self was already available. The other side is lined with candles, matches, and a bag of dried rose petals.

Anyway, Loki finished off by smoothing lotion into his skin and coating the ends of his hair with a nice hair mask.

He doesn't bother slicking his hair back. Once he's dressed, he goes explore more of the room.

He finds a laptop, phone, and ipod on a tabletop. Loki picks these up and lays in bed. He spends the rest of his time learning how to use these.

 

 

* * *

 

“Sir, you have an incoming guest. They will lead you to the dining hall.” FRIDAY announces, breaking the comfortable silence.

Loki gently shut his new laptop and sat up. He runs his slender fingers through his hair and then puts his shoes on. A new pair courtesy of Stark which was a perfect fit. He had no idea how Stark knew what would fit his form. Perhaps the driver measured him in his sleep.

Sure enough, a soft knock is placed upon his door. By then Loki is already on his way. He opens it to reveal a blonde woman in uniform wearing the tag “Jenny.”

“Hello, Jenny. Time to dine, is it?”

“Yes. Right this way, sir.” She says stiffly, but civil enough. She turned on her heel and walked away. Loki followed along and notices another lady of the same uniform with a cart of food. It was parked in front of the room closest to Loki's.

“I was under the impression we would all dine together.” Loki states.

“Mr. Barnes isn't social. Especially not when Captain Rogers is away.” Jenny told him. She doesn't look at Loki nor did she want to. Why would she? If it weren't for the high pay, she would be anywhere else but this god forsaken company. The last thing she wanted was to work within the vicinity of these freaks.

"The Captain is not here? Too bad, I would have loved to see him and his ridiculous attire." Chuckled Loki.

"He is on a mission." She said stiffly. Loki seemed to pick up on this as he chooses not to speak any further. For the duration of the next agonizingly silent five or so minutes, Loki focused on the sound of his heels clicking against the floor. Most of the hall had been vacated presumably because everyone was either downstairs or in a mission.

 

* * *

 

 

Upon arrival, Loki immediately noticed that there were several faces he did not recognize. There sat Pepper, Tony, Peter, Wanda, the mind stone, his idiot brother, Bruce, & Rhodey. Loki only knew Tony, the blonde oaf, and Bruce of course. He learned their names as they conversed. They don't bother talking to Loki but they were definitely sizing him up on the down low (the teenager kept staring and it was a lot more obvious than everyone else). Loki doesn't bother trying to make friends. 

Natasha, Cap, and Sam were on a run somewhere doing something. Hawkeye was not around. 

Loki sat closely to his brother, eyes cast down as he busily tried everything Thor put on plate. He had given him small portions of just about every dish available so he'd become familiar to the food here. They were adults but Thor still wanted to take care of his brother. It wasn't bad at all, Loki mused. 

He finds that he quite liked the same pasta piled on his brothers plate so once his brother was busy engaging in friendly conversation, Loki traded his plate for Thor's in one swift movement.

He caught the eyes of an amused Wanda Maximoff. He pressed his fingers to his lips and quietly shushes them both. Wanda giggled to herself and looked away.

He happily twirled the fettuccine alfredo with his fork and within a few minutes, he's down to his last forkful.

Thor looked down finally and saw the new plate before him. It looked more like Loki’s plate than his own.

Sure enough, when he looked to his younger brother, Loki smiled as he put the pasta in his mouth.

“Yes, brother? Are you enjoying your meal?” Loki batted his eyelashes at him innocently.

“You **_ate_ ** my meal.” The blonde raised his eyebrows at him before laughing as Loki broke out into a playful smile.

“Would you like some more, Loki?” Bruce asks. And proudly, he proclaimed he made the pasta. Before Loki could even agree, the man stood up and served both of them more.

“Oh, thank you.” Loki said quietly. He and his brother ate off the same plate and it doesn't end very well.

At first, Loki allowed it. He couldn't help but watch as Thor took on large mouthfuls of **_his_ ** food. After the sixth forkful Thor takes, Loki's eyes flickered upward into a dark glare. The blonde could feel the scalding look without looking at him. Thor didn't want to argue with him so he leaves the rest to Loki.

Thor grabbed pastries, tiny cakes, and a cup of creme brulee from the dessert table. He takes a merengue before returning to his table. Midgardian desserts had always been among his favorite delicacies.

Loki’s eyes wander off and to the bigger man’s now colorful plate. It didn't help Thor's case that the sweets were pretty and Thor seemed to _really_ like the foods. It also didn't help that Loki was in fact his younger brother and being older meant you couldn't enjoy (much less have) nice things.

So he wasn't at all surprised when Loki snatched the merengue from his hand or when Loki chirped with delight when he finally has a bite. And he wasn't surprised when Loki slowly takes the plate away from him. No, he really wasn't. He merely sighd and stared at the spot where his plate had once been. Then, he got up to get himself another plate of the same desserts, sitting a little farther away from Loki. To no avail.

Loki grabbed the new plate and traded it with the first dessert plate Thor had put together. The pasta simply sat off to the side, now abandoned.

Thor grabbed a spoon and attempted to eat the creme brulee that Loki returned to him only to be slapped repetitively by a shrieking Loki.

**“DON'T. TOUCH. MY. FOOD.”**

**“I GOT IT FIRST. YOU'RE TOO SMALL TO FINISH ALL OF THIS.”**

The rest of the Avengers had been watching this interaction amidst their own conversations and they were quite amused. Wanda recalled fondly the time when she had a brother, too. They used to share and they both messed with each other too. The others were just amused to see Loki displaying this type of behavior. It appealed to their humanity. Somehow.

He had been pretty quiet and well behaved. He seemed to have no malicious intent. So, they don’t treat Loki as if he were a villain, but they were keeping an eye out just in case.

They also watch as Loki devoured everything he took from Thor to spite him.

Dinner ended with the others making their way to a common room. Loki stayed behind to assist in cleaning because Tony does, too. He wanted to talk to Tony.

“Stark?”

“Mm?” he hummed.

“Thank you for having me. I know I don't deserve to be here. You've all been really nice to me.”

Tony didn't answer. God, was Loki about to get all sappy with him? He thought higher of Loki.

“Truthfully… Everything is lovely and convenient but I'm not quite comfortable with the ghastly color scheme…”

Tony Stark cocked his head towards Loki. Of course. He wouldn't kiss his ass if he didn't want something.

 

* * *

 

 

“Brother, may I keep this?” Loki asks, currently bundled up in the huge duvet in his brothers bed.

Thor was trimming his beard busily in front of a decorative mirror. Which Loki had called him an idiot for but what's new?

“Whatever I have, you already have.”

“But I want this one. This particular one. I like it.”

Thor rolled his eyes. Loki was always like this - he always seemed to think Thor's things were nicer. Either that or Loki didn't want Thor to have nice things. He wasn't sure.

“Why are you even here?” he asked.

Loki bundles himself up, telling FRIDAY to turn the television on. “I want to do a trade with you.”

“Trade?”

“Yes. All the liquor in my room for the mango juice in yours.” Loki stares at the screen.

“Just take it.”

With that, Loki raides Thor's fridge, blanket still wrapped around him. He grabs the many bottles of mango juice and bolts out of the room.

“Sir, Loki appears to have left with your duvet.” FRIDAY states.

A sigh escapes from the big blonde’s lips.

Loki laughs when he hears FRIDAY and continues to run to his room. He hadn't locked the door so he just gets in and slams the door.

Eagerly, he pops the cap off of one bottle and drinks away. He climbs back into bed and snatches the remote. It doesn't take long for him to figure out.

His night ended with him turning off all the lights, himself tucked away beneath two large duvets, and a few empire bottles of mango juice on his bedside table. Loki watches a movie about a high class young lady set to marry an even wealthier man who Loki disliked immediately. Fortunately for the girl (Rose) she fell in love a jovial artist by the name of Jack. He was pretty and Loki liked his character. He wondered when he'd find someone to love like Rose loved Jack. 

Loki gets to the part where the lady finds Jack restrained to a pipe while their ship took on water. And then Loki falls into the comfortable cradle of sleep.

 

* * *

 

_Loki stood before a large window overlooking his home. He was among others, the faces he had known all his life. They watched in horror as Surtur fulfilled his prophecy, wrecking havoc into Asgard. He had brought that monster into their land. Loki was the reason for all this._

_But he had saved his people from certain destruction. He has saved them from the wrath of Hela. He did. He wasn't the villain for once. Still, something in his gut told him something was off. It wasn't over yet._

_Surtur realizes that Asgard had been vacated. Its people would rebuild a new Asgard elsewhere and their legacy would live on. Meaning, Asgard was never destroyed in the first place._

_He knew what he had to do._

_Surtur snatches the ship from the sky and…_

The raven haired Loki bolted upright, panting. Sheer terror squeezed at his chest, suffocating him as he gasped for breath. He could feel his own heart pounding violently against its confines. Loki's eyes stung and his face burned. He was unable to restrain himself. The tears he allowed to flow.

It was all too real. The guilt, the same fear he felt as he stood there many nights before, and sudden emptiness that came with it. It all comes rushing back to him like a flood. On top of it all, he was now convinced Surtur wasn't finished yet thanks to the nightmare.

He ran out of his room and started pounding on the nearest door. His brother's door had always been next to his. (But he seemed to forget he was several rooms away from Thor this time. Seven rooms away.)

Loki pounded on the white wood whilst full on sobbing. His breathing picked up and he practically gasped for every breath. Loki went numb. It finally registered to him that he was shaking. He couldn't think. Yet his mind was screaming at him, causing him to panic further.

The door burst open and there stood a large figure with long hair. Loki didn't really get a good look. Obviously, he was in no state to do so. He assumed it was Thor and immediately wrapped around him. The god pitifully buried his face into the broad chest now available to him and _cried_.

Bucky immediately felt a pang of empathy. For him, nightly demons were a recurring experience. The brunette often experienced violent panic attacks when he remembered all he had gone through. Bucky wrapped an arm around the smaller, unfamiliar body.

“Hey…” he frowned. He pulled Loki into the room and shut the door behind them.

Immediately, it seemed to sink in that this was **not** his blonde oaf. Loki's reddened eyes widened in shock and he screamed, backing away into the wall. He emitted little whimpers as he scrambled toward the door.

“No no no.. I'm not gonna hurt you doll. Come on. You're gonna be fine.”

Loki choked on his sobs but does look up into the prettiest pair of kind, blue eyes. They practically glowed in the dark. Pretty. Loki reattached himself to the man to hide into him.

It was late. Demons came at night. Despair struck at the darkest hours and everyone was vulnerable, awake or not. So Loki didn't care to put on a facade. He knew in his heart that Bucky would understand.

And, Bucky had already seen him. He might as well utilize him and get the most comfort he could.

“Let's go get you some air.” The brunette takes Loki to his balcony and sat with him on the woven chair. Loki held on tightly so he sort of just wound up on the brunette's lean lap. Which was okay. The smaller man only sought comfort. He was sure Steve, his lover and babysitter, would be proud of him for talking to someone and helping them.

Lucky for Loki, Bucky wasn't a stranger to taking care of others. It was his true calling. He took to it naturally even as a kid. That's why he had Steve.

Bucky's soft finger gently strokes Loki's tears away before instructing him to close his eyes and count. He held the smaller but taller thing in his arms until he felt him relax.

Once he does, Loki is already checking Bucky out, familiarizing himself with his neighbor. He had never seen this man before but obviously the Avengers grew. He was another new face among many.

Frankly, the new face was drop dead gorgeous.

His eyes were a beautiful stormy ocean of light blue, vibrant and intense but right new they were very soft. The face they belonged to was just as pretty. Pouty lips and a perfectly squared jaw… wow. Loki almost felt grateful for his sudden bout of panic that his confused feet led him here.

Bucky stared on, confused at just how quickly he had recovered. Instead of fear his eyes suddenly showed wonder and admiration. Yeah, he knew he was a doll, but even Bucky wouldn't calm down _that_ fast to gawk at some dame.

Hey, the alien was cute too. His features looked as though he was personally sculpted by the gods of art and beauty. Loki's facial structure was sharp and defined with features that complimented it. Add to that the stark contrast of pale skin and dark hair… wow.

“Wh-who are you?” Loki asked in a meek, small voice.

 

* * *

 

 

Loki sat on a different chair adjacent to Bucky's, chuckling softly to something Bucky's said.

In one hand, he held an almost empty bottle of an alcoholic beverage with a citrus flavor. He's had two already. Bucky had a different drink, something that smelled relatively close to Thor's mead. Loki wasn't one to drink such bitter things and often was teased for it, but Loki never truly cared. He did like this one however. It wasn't too harsh.

“Siblings are fun and all but I prefer to tease mine. My mother was afraid Thor would be a bully, but it turned out _I_ was the mischievous one.” Loki finished his drink.

“It's always the younger ones that are evil.” Bucky's hair swayed gently with the wind. He peels the hair tie from his metal arm and uses it to keep his hair in a neat little bun.

Loki laughed and jokingly scoffs. “Oh, no. I was the sweetest.” But after he added, “I remember he would always be following me, trying to get me to play with him because I preferred to study. He was always bothering me so I did the same back. I teased him over and over but he still wouldn't leave. And even when he cried he wanted to stay. And then mother always came running. When she did I would start bawling even harder than brother was.”

A soft, proud smile crept up to Loki’s thin lips. “And it would be him that would get the brunt of it, not me. I think perhaps mother pitied me and because of that she favored me.. she had always spoiled me rotten.”

“Bless her, but I think that's when things went wrong.” Loki sighed. He got up to retrieve yet another bottle of Smirnoff. This time, he doesn't return to his seat. He plops himself down on the same chair hBucky was on.

“How so?” he asks gently, rubbing Loki's arms to check if he were cold. He was. He knew by then about his true heritage but he couldn't help but be concerned for his well being. Loki seemed to become more at ease so Bucky doesn't exactly stop.

“Well… I guess father believed I favored mother over him and throughout the years we became increasingly distant. He spent more time with his biological son. It seemed to me that father didn't see me, only Thor who was arrogant and enjoyed war a little too much. But, I was there. I was ready to take on the role of a king. I knew lots about politics and what would help Asgard prosper… but there he was, practically handing the throne to an idiot.”

Loki sighed and brought the bottle to his lips. He downs a large gulp.

“Now there is no throne. No Asgard to rule, no father to hate, no mother to worry, no title to inherit and fight over. All my goals and aspirations are gone. There is nothing left to envy. Now I'm empty and on a completely different planet…”

Loki sighed. “I don't know what I want anymore.”

He took another swig as his eyes glossed over.

Bucky _hated_ that look. Something inside him told him he needed to care for Loki. It looked too much like Loki didn't feel loved enough. The blue eyed man pulled him into a warm embrace which Loki gladly surrendered to. His lithe form practically melted and he burrowed his face into the man's muscular chest. The poor thing gave himself too easily to the closest person that entertained his need for comfort.

Bucky stroked Loki's soft, fluffy hair.

“I know exactly how you feel. I had a great life ahead of me. After the war I wanted to come home and live the rest of my life with my lover, but all that was taken from me. I was tortured. All my memories were stolen and decade after decade, I was used as an instrument to kill. It wasn't me. I didn't want to, but I had to. There was only so much torture I could endure to prevent others from suffering. It broke me. And when Steve found me, I had to learn how to be human again. Everyday, up to now, I'm still being magnified. I am nothing but what they made me to be. And I can never change that. I can never be happy with my conscience eating me away every. single. day of my life.”

Loki remembered all too well what it felt to be coerced into taking lives in exchange for his own. He knew what it meant to murder masses and destroy lives because there was no other choice. He had to be the one responsible for allowing others to invade a whole planet which would have inevitably caused the end of humanity. Thankfully, the Avengers came to prevent that from happening.

The unhappy bunch realized they've got so, so much in common. Similar traumas with personalities that just seemed to click. Loki didn't feel the need to be reserved. With Bucky, he felt light. He didn't feel like he was being judged and neither did Bucky. It was simply easy to lose themselves with one another. They'd known each other for a few hours but it felt like longer. Shit, Bucky never spoke this much to Steve. They hardly talked at all.

They talked for hours on end until two in the morning.

Loki decided to go to bed after thanking him for providing company. He expected enemies, but today he was treated kindly. Yes, the others were watching him. Tony's staff were civil but of course Loki was still being held under a magnifying glass.

Still, no one had done him wrong. Loki even found someone to confide in. And that had never happened before. He kept secrets even from Frigga whom he adored endlessly. All things considered, perhaps Thor had made the right decision to take him here. Maybe. It was still something Loki had to wrap his head around. To put it bluntly, he didn't think much of Midgard and its people. All of them were fleeting specks in a never ending universe, all meant to be forgotten and discarded eventually.

And yet here he was; flirting with the most gorgeous being he had ever seen.

Loki suddenly felt a gentle hand on his wrist as the silver knob came to his grasp. He turned around, green eyes peering gently at Bucky.

“Maybe you should stay for the night…”

Just like that, Loki found himself pinned against the wall. His lips collide with another soft pair. It's slow, as if they were both testing the waters. But then, they don't break away. Things heat up gradually and Loki found himself with a tongue on his neck, walking backwards to Bucky's bed.

They were lost in conversation earlier and now they found themselves lost in the sheets, a mess of gnashing teeth and tongue, loud moaning interrupting the otherwise nice silent atmosphere. Their limbs entangle themselves into one another. Slender fingers raked down Bucky's muscular back. Bucky wasn't going to let him go without leaving a mark too…

They made love. Violent, almost, but the passion doesn’t get lost in the process. Loki fought for dominance constantly. At some point he was on top and aggressively bouncing along his length. Bucky flipped them over and pinned Loki down by the wrist and neck. His lips latch back onto Loki’s.

It's the only time Loki actually submitted himself.

By the end of the night, their hair was in disarray, Loki's small frame was littered with hickeys and bruises on his hips and wrist. Bucky's back had giant claw marks and his neck and chest had pretty purple marks. His shoulder had a little love bite. Bucky collapses next to Loki, both a panting heap. He pulled him close and called it a night.

Perhaps it had happened because Bucky had never been this close to anyone, perhaps Bucky had just been lonely because Steve never ever connected with him like this and hadn't paid him any attention in the longest time. 

Still, James Buchanan Barnes _almost_ forgot he had a boyfriend. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops, Bucky, oops. 
> 
> Please leave feedback, thanks so much! 
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Comment to do closed roleplay! I do Spideypool, Stucky, WinterFrost, & more.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Small smut scene ahead. Not very graphic or descriptive. Enjoy!

Loki slept peacefully for a good five hours. He didn't need any more because he already slept twice that night.

Bucky was still asleep when he awoke. The digital clock to his left read ‘7:59am, 54° Heavy rain.’

And so Loki sat up to coat his body (now claimed by gorgeous splotches of blue and purple hues derived from those soft, pouty lips) with the cool, black silk linen that sat in a shiny pool at the foot of Bucky's bed.

Loki brushed his tangled hair with his fingers  until the knots were gone and all the while he sat there, gazing down at Bucky with utmost adoration. Loki smiled gently and continued to admire Bucky and the way he was just so exquisite without even trying. Loki couldn't imagine how a mere mortal could be so sublime but there he was. Bucky was simply being Bucky and god damn, Loki had never fallen in love so hard. Loki stroked soft hair away from the man's face to reveal angelic features at ease. He looked just as beautiful with his eyes lidded - oh god, those breathtakingly blue orbs… the bluest of skies had been trapped within the thin navy blue rings on the outer layer of his iris. His eyes were an intricate mess of lines and various shades of blue that Loki caught himself constantly drowning in them.

His divinity didn't end there. His gentle, war-weary eyes were lined with long, perfect eyelashes that complimented his soulful gaze. Just below them were subtle but well defined cheekbones that left his cheeks handsomely hollowed.

Bucky had a ruggedly handsome look to him thanks to his facial hair, but Loki could tell Bucky also had a baby face.

Loki’s small hand weaved through the brown waves framing that gorgeous face, a pleasant smile gracing his own features. The gentle hand moved on to slowly caress Bucky's cheek. Loki's palm rested below his sharp jaw as his thumb stroked Bucky's smooth skin. His beard tickled his hand a little but he doesn't mind. He loved the way he felt. He never imagined that a mortal could captivate him like so.

Loki finally stood and walked around, a hand busily holding the black silk to his chest. His body felt loved. He felt beautiful, like he were glowing. Something in him felt still - something close to serene.  Loki sauntered over to a mirror, noting how Bucky's floor to ceiling window showed that the skies were grey and the sky poured beautifully. He stood by the window, entranced by its simple scenic nature. At the back of his mind he wondered how picturesque he himself looked whilst gazing out the window, a mere sheet lazily drapes around his lithe, bare form.

_8:05am._

He had spent six minutes gawking at Bucky. Loki couldn't bring himself to admit fully that the mortal had captivated his heart. He felt it and was fully aware what the swelling of his heart meant. All at once, it felt as though something new and bright and beautiful had blossomed in him, but at the same time it hurt, too. What a wicked thing to do to make Loki dream this way...

Last night had been beautiful.

It was a shame he wasn't romantically available. Loki would have made a perfect lover. Such thoughts he decided to put aside. It was a one night stand. When Bucky wakes up this would have all been just a silly mistake. A moment of weakness perhaps. He could never have Bucky. He was too pure for someone as tainted as Loki. Because unlike Bucky it didn't take years for Loki to decide that he wanted to take lives for his own selfish agenda. Unlike Bucky, some evil things he had committed  were done deliberately and with conscious thought and planning.

Add to that was the fact that Bucky's life would be short. He was mortal after all. There were spells that could bring him to immortality but who was Loki to decide that?  Even Loki wouldn't live forever and it would be graceless not to die. No one deserved such a cruel fate especially not when selfish need was involved.

Bucky deserved to live out his life and die with those of the same species. He couldn't bear to see Bucky grow old so rapidly before his eyes. This was never meant to be.

It was a hard pill to swallow but Loki had to remind himself that Bucky was never his. Steve would be back in a matter of a few days. Five or so? He thought Bucky had said five days last night but he couldn't be sure. He was drunk on a silly juice flavored Midgardian drink that to humans was also a weak drink. And perhaps that was why last night even happened. It was a lonely, drunken night - heat of the moment type of sex. The kind most would claim as ‘unintentional’ and move on like last night did not occur.

He could still feel Bucky's large hands and the way his fingertips trailed from his forearms and to the much smaller and daintier hands. He could still feel his heat as he entwined their fingers together, held him close, and spent the night between Loki’s hips. He had felt so loved last night; pinned beneath his weight and restrained under the guise of a sweet gesture.

Loki walked away from the window and to Bucky's mirror where he picked up a hairbrush. So excruciatingly slowly does he start smoothing his own hair out, eyes locked into the reflection of his own green orbs.

It was so extraordinarily unfortunate that Loki could never be called his. He just had to fall in love with the wrong person… It was just his luck that Loki’s heart desired Bucky and he just had to over complicate things. Then again, Loki never quite had the best of luck. Did he? He always seemed to think he had been given the gift of misfortune since his birth.

He had been so fortunate throughout his entire life and yet he was filled with self hate and anguish.

Father had been right about him. His birthright was to die alone as a child, abandoned, but instead he took pity on him and blessed him with a home and a loving family. He had a mother that loved him unconditionally and a brother that cared as if they were not of the same blood. He had been offered a kingdom. He had been given a name. And all these he left forsaken. He refused his name, rejected his parents, and tried to kill his brother. He destroyed his home and so much more.

The mirror showed him an ingrate.

Loki did not deserve a single thing. Not Asgard. Not it's people. Not Odin and especially not his beloved mother Frigga. He didn't deserve this second chance. He didn't deserve a new home.

And he didn't deserve to gift Bucky with his wretched presence. He wasn't worthy enough for his touch, his kiss, or the little marks of love he had been given. He didn't deserve Bucky who had saved him from a world on fire the previous night.

Loki did, however, deserve to lie awake at night and cry. He deserved to suffer in silence. He deserved to suffer for all he had caused.

Bucky's eyes slowly opened to the sound of rain trickling onto the roof and hitting the window. The first thing he saw was an empty bed and a beautiful figure combing through long, jet black hair. His silk blanket clung loosely beneath the man's slender arms and trailed down onto a pool on the floor. Loki pulled his hair over his right shoulder, his pale back exposed now. His skin was milky white without a single flaw. Loki was a work of art carved from marble…

He could see his troubled face from the mirror. Loki's lips were set in a small pout and little creases were drawn on unfocused, large eyes.

Bucky was well aware Loki suffered through intense despair and was burdened with the same heavy weight of guilt on his shoulders. No one seemed to know this side of him with the exception of Bucky himself. And that was the saddening part. Not a single soul recognized the isolation and grief that clung to poor Loki.

It could be a million thoughts running through Loki's mind and not one of them Bucky thought was good. He shouldn't be left alone with his thoughts. Sadness shouldn't be a daily aspect of his life. It wasn't something either of them should get used to.

Suddenly, a pair of gentle arms swaddled Loki from behind. The embrace was made up of two strong arms, one soft and warm while the other was hard and cold to the touch.

It wasn't undesirable. Loki admired that about Bucky - how he was so unique. The metal arm was a part of Bucky and therefore it was perfect and he loved it. The hold Loki’s thoughts had on him is lifted and Loki relaxed. He places a hand atop the metal one with a smile.

“Good morning, my sweet.” Loki smiled with endearment. Bucky responded with a gentle kiss to the exposed skin between his shoulder blades. Little goosebumps stood on the pale surface, prompting Bucky to turn his head and leisurely ghost his lips along Loki's marked neck.

“What's on your mind, beautiful?” he inquired. He breathes in the sweet scent of vanilla on Loki.

“Just you…” hummed Loki. He twisted his head to the side. He found himself melting once again, but he does nothing to prevent himself from submitting to Bucky.

Bucky saved the talking for later. He knew Loki wasn't fine but their actions led them elsewhere.

“Me?” echoed Bucky. His hands began to feel Loki’s small form, easily getting Loki to squirm. “How could I have been so lucky…”

He suddenly turned Loki around and held his hair back, kissing at his Adams apple. Loki whimpered and whined and coiled slender arms around Bucky's shoulders.

“... to be with a god like you?”

By then his lips had traveled down further, stopping to bruise Loki's collarbone. Bucky caught a glimpse of green smoke, but elected not to focus on it. Again, not once did Steve cross his mind. He just saw Loki.

Loki released his hold on his silk cloak, allowing it to drop onto the floor by their feet. “God or not, you're lucky to have me at all.” He smirked playfully. 

This time, a female body is revealed to Bucky, not the lean form he had been familiarized with last night. But Bucky takes to it so fluently, not faltering even for a moment to express surprise.

Bucky places her onto the counter of his vanity, connecting their lips once more for a kiss that grew more exponentially lustful. His careful metal hand rested upon one of Loki's wideset hips while the other cupped Loki's neck.

Both took their time. The kiss seemed to last forever and when it was time to break away, they still didn't seem to have had enough. Bucky lingered and Loki chased the latter’s kiss swollen lips. But, Bucky didn't meet her kiss as much as he wanted to. Instead he littered her chest with butterfly kisses and even spent time giving Loki's round, perky B cups his love bites. Bucky's lips wandered away to place sporadic lower and lower down Loki’s even smaller frame. He stopped just below her navel to look into Loki’s eyes, now glazed over with lust. Bucky's eyes were darkened with want.

“Hold on, doll. Spread your legs out for me…”

It wasn't long before Bucky found himself between the heat of two fawn like thighs, his tongue leisurely stroking the pink folds of Loki's sex. Loki tasted like heaven.

Loki's feminine body writhed in pleasure, her own expression donning one of pure bliss. Her face was flustered and flushed with a light blush.

Soon enough, the couple lost themselves into one another once more. Bucky was lost amidst thighs gracing betwixt his hips, all morals thrown into the wind as his mind focused on their pleasure and that alone. Bucky snatched Loki up from where he sat as they found themselves conjoined once more at the pelvis. Strong arms held Loki in the air to glide him up and down Bucky's shaft and the two moved in animalistic recklessness. Her moans of ecstacy once more disturbed the peace, mingling with the sounds of trickling rain and his growls. Loki's strong legs clung tightly onto the strong, sinewy body also thrusting to meet Loki as she bounced up and down against him.

Their desire prevailed once more against all odds that they were not meant to be. Desire overtook the two in their passionate escapade.

_Maybe Loki had been wrong about Bucky. Perhaps he shared the same feelings he had._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> Comment if interested in role playing. I use kik, Tumblr, and Instagram.


	4. Chapter 4

The brunette's lips finally part from Loki’s. He couldn't stay away. Not for long. They fit so perfectly, so soft.. he just wanted to secure their intimacy.

There was always later. Bucky placed a gentle peck onto Loki's bright pink lip and offered him a smile. And it only grew when Loki returned it.

“Hey, gorgeous…” Bucky started. It was still raining and it would be for hours. His back stung whenever he moved all thanks to Loki. Bucky had no qualms about about it though, he wore the giant welts proudly.

Loki rested his head upon Bucky's chest while he gazed up at his stunning blue eyes. Loki imagined calm waters gently lapping at black shores through Bucky's eyes. They held him captive, entranced. “Hm?”

Loki had his back against Bucky's metal arm while the flesh one stroked his thigh.

“What's on that beautiful mind? You looked so distant.”

“I was just thinking. I thought you'd get rid of me by morning…”

Bucky frowned and pressed his lips against Loki’s forehead. “Oh… I would never. I like you, Loki, I could never hurt you. I've never felt as close to anyone as I've felt with you. And we just met. That's gotta mean something.”

“I bet you say that to all the girls.” Loki stated bitterly, looking away now.

Bucky lifted up his chin. Playfully, he answered, “Only to the gorgeous, green eyed, black haired, goddess type…”

Loki giggled finally, beaming up at Bucky. “You think I'm gorgeous?”

“Stunning.” A large smile breaks out onto Bucky's face. He couldn't help but feel a rush of excitement course through him. Because **god damn** he's hot. Bucky had perfect white teeth and seeing him smile just _did things_ to Loki.

Bucky pulled Loki up and showered him with his love, planting kisses all over Loki's face. It easily got him to giggle more. “Beautiful. Exquisite. You are the most wonderful person that I had ever been so lucky to meet.”

A bold claim considering Bucky wasn't exactly romantically available.

Loki chose to overlook this fact.

The blue eyed man knew that their position was complicated. But he wasn't going to wait. He wasn't going to let Loki go. This could be a fling. It could be something more. Either way he had never felt so good about anyone before. Only Loki could make him feel this way. Yes it was rushed, but things happened fast when this much want was involved.

“Hey, I know you know about Steve… Loki, it doesn't change anything. I still want to be with you. I want to spend more time with you. As a friend, as a partner. I don't know. I just want you. I've never loved anyone more.. not even Steve.”

“What will you do?” Loki frowned. But he could hardly do anything to retain his relief. He wasn't just a whore. Bucky wasn't going to just brush him aside and never look in the same direction he was in.

“Steve doesn't have to know about us…”

“I have four days alone with you…” Bucky smiled and nuzzled the top of Loki’s head.

 

* * *

 

 

The Avengers all turned their heads towards the door as a giggling pair walked through. It was quite a sight to behold.

They weren't even sure Bucky was physically capable of speaking to anyone that wasn't Steve, much less leave the comfort of his own room without his blonde counterpart. But there he was, practically canoodling with a newcomer and becoming all too comfortable with him.

It was all too obvious that something happened between them. Bucky handled Loki far too amorously. Loki giggled along like the average female escort.

They weren't sure at all if this was a good thing. What would an ex-villain want with an ex-assassin? It was was a highly conspicuous pairing. Even more so that Bucky was with Steve. It isn't appropriate at all.

They all kind of just gawk as Loki giggled and stole Bucky's food playfully and when they threw food at one another or tried to feed each other.

They were all confused. Even Thor.

He finally speaks up, though. He was well aware Loki had no particular sexual preference when it came to his lovers but even he was concerned.

“So, James, I take it you and the captain are no longer…?”

Loki laughed and nestled himself into Bucky's neck. He flashed his brother a massively wicked grin.

“Ah, nay, brother. They are still lovers. We are merely friends…” there was something subtly dangerous yet playful in Loki’s tone that suggested the opposite. 

Everything everyone had surmised had just been confirmed. They _totally_ slept together.

No one else spoke about the elephant in the room. Bucky and Loki continued to flirt blatantly and shamelessly.

Loki crawled right into Bucky's lap and kissed his chin. Which, as they all started to realize, was covered in Loki sized blue and grey bruises. Loki had matching marks. 

 

* * *

 

 

“Loki…”

“Brother, let me have my fun. Aren't you proud of me? I have made my own friend. You had always pushed me to partake in more social activities.”

“That doesn't mean you should go about making love to someone you just met. And Loki, he has a lover. This will not end well. Why can't you just stay out of trouble?”

“I have. I've been courteous, I've befriended FRIDAY, I haven't killed anybody during the duration of our stay.”

Thor pinched the bridge of his nose to prevent a migraine. “You'd better keep it that way. But **don't** spread your legs for a taken man. You've always been so promiscuous, so troublesome, Loki. I am not surprised. I shouldn't have expected you to behave. What's next? You're going to copulate with every unavailable person?”

The homewrecker tilted his head curiously. “Who else is in a relationship?” Loki silently snatched the notepad and pen sitting conveniently on Thor’s desk.

“Well there's Wanda, she's with Vision. Clint married long ago and he has beautiful children, Natasha and Banner seem to be fond of one another, Tony is-”

Loki listened on and took notes as if it were a list of possible matches on Tinder. “Uh huh. Okay.”

“Tony is a little bit aged, but age had never quite been an issue for me. Perhaps he'd be interested in taking me for a drink~”

“LOKI???”

Loki put a star next to Tony's name. “And Wanda.. do you think she's too young? Yes I think so. What about Vision? He carries the mind stone I believe… what do you say? I make love to him, kill him, take the stone, and leave?”

 **“** **_Loki.”_**

“I don't know about Clint, I wouldn't want to interfere with his family. I wouldn't go that far. I have morals you know.” Loki was being playful but his brother didn't seem to understand.

“Hm, now _The Hulk_ … Bruce doesn't interest me as a lover but do you ever wonder… Would his phallus be proportional to his body when he is the Hulk?”

Thor easily snickered at the thought. “Oh, brother. What am I to do with you?”

Thor followed this up by adding, “Perhaps you should ask Natasha, I think she'd know much about the Hulk.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading! 
> 
> Please leave feedback. Have a lovely day ♡ 
> 
> Also I'm like high key referencing HIM - Wicked Love. I also derived influence from Type O Negative and Nine Inch Nails.


	5. Chapter 5

After Thor had been thoroughly pestered by his black haired brother, Loki returned to his humble abode, carrying another new duvet. He held it close to his chest whilst walking to his room.

He got home to find that Tony had delivered interior design magazines into the room and also more juice. Twenty bottles of mango juice.

Loki happily looked these over for inspiration for a good hours before he's interrupted by a gentle knick.

“FRIDAY, is it time to eat already?” he asks.

“No, sir. Mr. Barnes would like to see you. Shall I open the door?”

Loki doesn't answer. He's already up by the mere mention of his name. He ran to the door and once it's open he practically jumps onto Bucky.

“My beautiful!” Loki gushed and kissed his nose. This easily got Bucky to laugh, and Loki watched in awe at the adorable way he does it. His eyes crinkled and his nose crunched up and it was just the purest thing Loki has seen. Bucky blushed, and Loki started kissing him all over.

He's head over heels. He'd never been like this to anyone before.

Loki practically melted when he felt Bucky's arms wrap around his waist and took him inside his room. The larger man laid with him on the bed.

“How are you? What have you been up to?”

Loki placed the magazine onto his lap, which by now had yellow post-it notes sticking out from the top neatly. “I'm looking for inspiration. I already have lots of ideas. I spoke with Tony and he kindly agreed to let me customize the room.”

Bucky started flipping through these and nodded at Loki's choices.

“We can go to the store now if you want. I'll help you set the room up.”

“About that. I want to go, but Tony said I should finish setting up my phone first before I wander around.”

“Since when did you care what Stark says?” smirked Bucky. He landed to a page with a circular shaped bed and showed Loki.

“I saw that. I like it but I don't know. I've never tried a bed like that. It would be quite difficult for it to find its place in the room. And I should care. He's been so kind to me.”

Bucky shrugged then. “Alright. Show me your phone. Maybe I can help.”

 

* * *

 

Loki laughed as he held his phone up, posing with Bucky. Both of them had ears and noses of a dog.

“Look! This is so cute. I look like a soft bear. You have it too, Bucky!”

Bucky chuckled and smiled. He reached over and smiled at the camera before tapping the little circle on the bottom of the screen. “A puppy. Not a bear.”

“Ohh, like a dog?” Loki wasn't too familiar with Midgardian specimens, but remembered from a pet store what a puppy was.  

While in New York, he stumbled upon a window displaying them. He preferred the other animal he saw. It was smaller. More agile, and seemed like a very feminine pet to have. He's not sure what it's called. But he remembered it had claws. And it's soft. And black. And some white with spots and others just white and suddenly Loki found himself wanting a cat.

They took multiple pictures with various filters. Loki stumbled upon the application under the name of Snapchat. He wanted to frame them the same way Bucky had pictures with Steve. That would be nice. He wanted some with Thor, too. And maybe one of those fluffy animals he liked.

Loki set his phone aside and cuddled into his three duvets (two of which was the blonde oaf’s.) His arm slipped beneath all of his hair and lifted it up so he wouldn't lay on the black fluff.

He had saved each photo they took and now he had a good 104 pictures. Some were silly couple pictures, others were sweet. Some were of Loki trying to be sexy, and some are ones Loki snuck of Bucky.

He had a few videos of Bucky laughing. But he wanted more.

“Bucky Baby. Come here?” Loki coaxed.

Bucky was on his own phone looking for a new wallpaper. He perked up and climbed into bed. Bucky's chin rests upon Loki's stomach, beady blue orbs peering sweetly up at Loki.

Aaaaand Loki takes a picture. “Okay, you may do as you please and return to whatever you were doing,” he shooed Bucky. He got the cutest picture of him.

“Heyyyy…” Bucky giggled and wrestled him for the phone.

“Stop taking embarrassing pictures of me!!”

Loki laughed and squealed, but swiftly stuffed the phone into his own underwear. Bucky halted his quest of acquiring the phone at that very moment.

“It is nothing to be ashamed of. You are my gorgeous Bucky and I will treasure you forever.” Loki kissed the man's forehead. This earned Loki a happy smile.

Bucky picked up his own phone from the pocket of his sweats.

He already looked so good; black hair lazily sitting on the pillow, away from his gorgeous face. “Stay just like that… move your head a little bit to the side.”

Loki raised an eyebrow with slight confusion but followed anyhow. He understood finally when Bucky's camera clicked and he smiled up at Bucky. Bucky took a picture again of the smiling Loki.

“God, you're beautiful.” Bucky smiled, lunging foward to clasp their lips together chastely. Loki's hands rested upon Bucky's cheeks to hold him still. He pulls him down and kissed at him repetitively.

“I love you, Buck.” And this was true. They've been together for two days, but words couldn't explain just how in love Loki was.

Bucky smiled and closed the gap between them once more. He nuzzled his face against Loki’s soft hands. Once he does so, Loki squished the man's cheeks and Loki suddenly gushes loudly.

_He's so irresistibly adorable._

Bucky blushed immediately, thrown into a fit of giggles at the sound of Loki's loving coos.

“I love you too.” he smiled. Bucky scooped Loki's hand up and stroked the soft skin. His eyes gazed into Loki's, melting upon seeing the sincerity those green orbs held.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading!! Please please please please leave feedback, it means so so much.
> 
> Also, my Tumblr is 5050dead. I do literate Marvel rps. Most kinks accepted. Except ddlg. EW.


	6. Chapter 6

Loki called an uber to a shopping center he had found on Google.

“Are you sure this works?” Bucky questioned.

He followed that up with, “What if they kidnap us???”

Loki huffs. “Oh, hush, it says they'll be here in three minutes. I read all about this app, I'm sure we'll be safe.”

“We could have just asked Tony to make someone drive us.”

Loki rolled his eyes. “I don't want to be dependent on Tony.” He says this like it was the most obvious thing. But he is dependent on Tony. They all were. Neither Loki nor Bucky had money because Bucky isn't even meant to be alive and Loki isn't even human. Plus, Bucky hadn't driven a car in the longest time. He could but he would rather not.  

“That's ridiculous. If we die I blame you.”

Loki giggled and continued to glance down at his phone. “Well, it says here that our doom will arrive in a minute from now. Shall we start saying our prayers?”

Bucky pulled a sweater and a glove over his metal hand. When a grey Ford actually arrives, Bucky hummed to himself. He and Loki went in and were greeted by a friendly lady. She had candies and bottled water and Loki gladly took a few sweets.

He offered Bucky a pink starburst once he discovered it tasted really nice. He took the unwrapped cube and popped one into his mouth. Loki listened to the radio, just silently observing everything while the sweet taste of the candy lingered in his mouth.

At the front of the car was a small screen. Not a phone, definitely not. It looked as though it was built into the car itself. It showed a picture of a blonde haired man with some sort of instrument.

“Nirvana - Man Who Sold The World.”

“... _He said I was his friend_ _  
_ _Which came as a surprise_ _  
_ _I spoke into his eyes_ _  
_ _I thought you died alone_  
A long long time ago…”

Bucky knew this one. He had listened to this with Steve. His lover kept a notebook, much like Bucky did. Except his journal was all about rediscovering the world so he could sooner become part of it. Bucky was more complicated. Bucky was rediscovering himself, finding out who he truly was and what his place was in this world.

In Steve's book, he had a band written down named Nirvana. When they found time, Steve went on YouTube and played some songs or maybe a show or a movie.

To Bucky, this was the one that stood out the most. It was a cover of a song originally by a man named David Bowie. He listened closely to the lyrics before, and he lost themselves in them for a second time. He was vaguely aware of Loki's hand on his, or when he placed his head on Loki's shoulder. Loki was taller than him so it wasn't awkward.

The song reminded him of Steve. A stranger that somehow, Bucky found familiarity in. Had it not been for his strong will, HYDRA would have broken him completely, and Bucky might have actually killed Steve.

Steve was persistent. Steve gave him his identity back. He gave him his name and he freed him of his muzzle (literally and metaphorically.) Steve brought him back.

Steve pulled him back and returned the memories that he had been robbed of. Sometimes Steve liked too talk too much about the past. He was stuck reliving memories. Often, Bucky felt sick. It made him anxious especially when he couldn't remember. Or when he wasn't in the mood to. He understood Steve liked to withdraw from this crazy ass world. He's out there fighting organizations he thought he died to take down (arguably he risked his life for nothing, but it made it possible for Steve to save Bucky many many years later). He's out there fighting aliens now. And it's all fucking crazy and complicated and life itself wasn't simple any longer. Too much technology, people had different views and weird lingo. It was all overwhelming. Bucky understood why he'd want to revert to living in the past and why he held on so tightly to the only thing that held a sense of normalcy to Steve, and that was Bucky. The world had gone batshit. Seriously, shit, Steve would really be in for it when be found out Bucky was balls deep in a fucking alien.

Bucky forgot all about the song.

Steve was his best friend. At some point they were caught in a flurry of emotions. Then Bucky became his. Bucky was now his problem, something for him to care for, his pet. It made recovery hardly conducive. Steve barely let him do things for his 'safety.' 

With Loki… things were different. Loki didn't perceive Bucky as this broken thing to fix. Loki saw a beautiful man that he connected with and loved. He didn't see him as lesser than himself.

Loki didn't force him to be someone who he hasn't been for decades. He just accepted him as is and that was refreshing. Accepted all he'd done in the past and didn't regard him any differently.

“Bucky, are you here?” Loki called in a hushed whisper. This pulled Bucky from his thoughts.

“Are you all right, my love?” he asked, his eyes wide. Loki's hand flew up to Bucky's face, and Bucky smiled, nuzzling it.

“Yeah, I'm good baby. I just like the song.” he took Loki's hand and kissed his knuckle. Bucky got even more comfortable against Loki's bony shoulder.

The blue eyed man kept hold of Loki's hand and idly stroked it. His eyes cast down to Loki's phone. It's still on and he was tracking their route to the shopping center. They're set to arrive in just three minutes.

The song playing now was called Desperado by Rihanna.

“ _I_ _f you want_ _  
_ _We could be runaways, running from_ _  
_ _And it’s out of luck_ _  
_ _Yeah, yeah, there ain’t nothing_ _  
_ _There ain’t nothing here for me_ _  
_ _There ain’t nothing here for me anymore_  
I don’t wanna be alone..”

Damn. These were just too damn relatable. Did the driver know something Bucky didn't?

The lyrics were conducive to such sweet thoughts. He could run away with Loki one of these days and live a simplistic life. A life that didn't involve always having to fight and run. And yeah, there would be less grandeur and they'd have to hide for all eternity, but it would be nice to live like a normal person. Bucky deserved that.

White picket fence type of life and maybe adopt a few kids. That would be beautiful. Waking up to Loki by the window, carrying a little baby. Every morning he'd wake up from a peaceful slumber, stripped of nightmares that kept him up at odd hours, and be greeted by giggling children - their babies. Loki would be next to him, beautiful black hair a mess but he'd still be just as gorgeous. God, that would be beautiful.

Steve wouldn't want that. At some point he did. But then he wanted to prove himself. Suddenly he didn't need to protect Steve anymore from running headlong into every petty fight because now his bravery was matched with strength and size. Truth be told he could blame Steve for all this. If it weren't for Steve he never would have had to get on that train in the first place. He never would have fallen off. He never would have been tortured. He never ever would have been turned into this fucking monster if Steve hadn't come into his life all macho and tough.

No, Steve wouldn't want any part of that life. All he wanted was to be a god damn hero. Yeah, good for him, he got what he wanted. Steve fucked up his life. If none of that happened, Bucky would have died gracefully years ago maybe with a family by his side.

He wasn't sure why this all came to him. He had loved Steve. He had been grateful for him being in his life. Now he had options - that being Loki. Obstinately, Steve is a selfish asshole. Bucky just started realizing it. He wasn't sure how he didn't see it. Even finding him and practically turning his back on Tony was selfish. It wasn't for Bucky, it was for Steve.

“Alright, here we are. Again there are water bottles. Feel free to take some.” says the driver as she pulls up in the driveway. Loki decided to take one and thanked her. The two shared a friendly exchange before he and Bucky unboarded the vehicle.

Bucky took just a few more starbursts and left the pleasantries to Loki. Bucky didn't like talking much to others. He was honestly quite surprised he hadn't been kidnapped and returned to HYDRA. Loki was right. This Uber thing was legit. 

He looked to Loki, who calmly sipped at his water. “What's that?” he pointed to a Starbucks.

 

* * *

 

“Oh, this one is good too.” Loki said as he bent his knees to get his lips to Bucky's drink.

“Hey!” Bucky laughs, moving the straw away. Bucky got an ultra caramel frappe. Loki got himself a simple mocha one with whipped cream.

“Hi! Here, try this.” Loki stuck his drink in Bucky's hand and while he drank it, Loki took the caramel drink from him. Bucky doesn't get it back. Loki's playful giggle was enough for him to decide he liked mocha better than caramel so all was well. 

And Loki just looked so happy suckling on a (really really pretty) green straw, content with the salty yet sweet taste dancing on his tongue. 

He followed Bucky along to a small post with a map to the centre. Loki didn't bother looking. His eyes were busy hovering over shop windows and at the female mannequins wearing pretty clothing. Midgardian fashion was far from the extravagance the prince had been used to. Styles were more modern and modest in this realm. Still, it wouldn't hurt to explore the current styles. The last thing the God needed was to be unfashionable. All Tony provided him were casual men's clothes. Loki came to a sudden conclusion that he needed new clothes.

“Okay, we're supposed to go straight, and when we see the Target we turn left and then…”

Loki interrupted Bucky by dragging him into Victoria's Secret. Just like that, Bucky was stuck panic buying for a good three hours. Loki got all sorts of clothes for his feminine and also masculine form. He also made Bucky buy certain things Loki thought looked hot on him.

For an alien, Loki had a great fashion sense. His taste included dark colored clothing and really, really expensive things.

Bucky wasn't bored. Loki made it fun, making jokes and pointing out ugly things, or just exclaiming excitedly when he saw something he just needed. 

This wasn't Bucky's first time shopping with a significant other. Usually he was just tossed aside and made to wait while the other got busy. No, not with Loki. Loki wouldn't do that. Loki made it fun. He had him trying on jackets and dancing in mirrors. Bucky himself was looking for nice clothing thanks to Loki. 

By the end of it, Bucky had a newfound love for fashion. It was something not achievable around his time. They didn't have money. Much less could he afford new, nice clothes. Those types of things were very hard to come by. Bucky had always loved being stylish, that he suddenly remembered. He made a note to shave his beard later. Style his hair, too. He had someone new to impress. 


	7. Chapter 7

Loki had at least seven bags of new clothing and accessories.

He had gotten clothing from

  * Gucci
  * Victoria's Secret
  * Nordstrom
  * Calvin Klein
  * Guess



He had new shoes, accessories, a chanel purse, new watches, a Gucci belt, a Lacoste bath set which he didn't need but Bucky insisted he should get, all sorts of lace lingerie, garter belts, stockings, even a fucking corset. He got a few pairs of pants as well. And when Bucky was busy in the fitting room, he snuck away and bought lube and personal toys. One happened to be a pretty emerald anal plug. Duh. There, he also bought a giant black sheer coat that ran all the way down to the floor. It had gorgeous black fur lining around its mesh edges. The sleeves fan out elegantly around the wrist, but most of it remain skin tight around the arms. The skirt had a long tail that when stretched out, dragged along the floor in a circular shape. 

Bucky bought Hollister jackets, a red leather jacket, a black one, two Gucci t-shirts, one pair of black Gucci high tops, one pair of Gucci sunglasses, three Balmain sunglasses, the same Lacoste bath set he made Loki buy, more underwear, & Versace cologne.

“Are you sure you can carry all that, love?” Loki asked.

The two were enroute to the boujee furniture store Loki found online. He had bookmarked a few items he liked, but he wanted to see them in person.

“Yes, super soldier, remember?” Bucky held all his bags in his metal arm so the plastic wouldn't dig into his skin. He gently took Loki's bags and hung them over the cloth covered metal.

Loki saw he was fine so he shrugged. The black haired one slipped his hand into Bucky's and led him along. Loki got curious though (again) and dragged him into Target.

They had home decor so that was exactly where Loki took him. There were various types of decor. Storage type boxes, lamps, and figurines. There were also vases. Some were quite pleasing to Loki’s eye. He picked up an aged copper jewelry box with opals that came with a prominent green hue. The lining was a greenish velvet, which Loki stroked. The price listed was only $19.99.

Loki put it down immediately with his nose scrunched up in completely scrutiny. He wiped his hands on his pants to clear the inexpensive germs from his own designer royal skin. 

Upon seeing the range of low prices lining the shelves, Loki dragged Bucky away and out of the peasant store with a scoff.

“What? Too cheap for my little prince?” Bucky teased. He wrapped an arm around the man's small waist and clasped his fingers over his slightly curved, feminine hip.

“I may be adopted but I do have royal blood coursing through my veins, Bucky. I deserve things of higher quality. This is not it.”

“Is this why you're dolling me up?” Bucky steered Loki to the Starbucks.

“No no, babe. It's almost time for lunch. Let's have a drink after.” Loki pulled Bucky to the exit and he just followed with a groan. “I'm almost out.”

“Ah, almost. Key word. You don't need anymore just yet. You don't need anymore at all, as a matter of fact.”

“You drank my drink. I do.”

All Loki had to offer was a toothy grin.

They passed by the clothing department and Loki giggled as he spotted a large sun hat. It had a circular rim and a ribbon with a print consisting of pink birds. Loki placed it on Bucky's head.

“Look at you… so stylish. Who made this? I bet It's designer.” Loki grabbed his phone and rushed forward to take a picture of Bucky. He strikes a pose with puckered lips and a hand on his hips.

Next Bucky took Loki's phone and opened the Snapchat app. He chose a filter and then grabbed another hat for Loki. This one had pineapples on it. Loki had no idea what the Hel a pineapple was but when it was placed on his head, he let it sit there.

They took series of pictures together.

They were _that_ annoying couple. People passing by either gave them weird looks or smiled and walked on.

They even took a video together. Loki had his eyes facing the ceiling, forcing himself to look cute in this way. He wiggled his shoulders in a playful manner.

Loki bought a black hat and took Bucky down to the store they were meant to go to in the first place.

Both were dumbstruck upon their arrival. Personally, Loki had never done anything for himself before. He had maids come in and do the decorating. His clothes were tailored for him, too, and it never really was done by choice. He never really paid attention to what was given to him because he liked it. If he didn't, he'd get them to change things until he did like it. Choosing was quite nice. It's fun.

And as for Bucky, he had never personally had a hand in interior decorating. Everything he had in his apartment back then was procured by Steve somehow. Either that or it was a hand me down. He had never been into an actual store with intentions of mass redecorating.

Thankfully, someone came to help. The associates name was Todd. Loki did all the talking. He seemed to know exactly what he want and had no hesitations. The worker listed down whatever Loki wanted.

They spent a good while buying new fixtures for lights, for the faucet, things like that. Loki also got new dressers, a new canopy bed, a vanity…

Loki stumbled upon a set of olive green leather couches with a pattern of little dents and golden caps.

It was _perfect._ It screamed Loki's so, he plopped down on it casually, eying Bucky with the biggest, cheesiest grin.

Bucky took his phone out to take a quick picture.

“Jack.. Jack.. draw me like one of your French girls.”

Bucky snickered when he put two and two together. Loki was alluding to that one romance movie. Titanic?

Loki held up the black hat and wore it.

“Wearing this… and _only_ this.”

Everything is paid for with Stark's credit card. They probably spent a couple thousand dollars together. Not that it would hurt Tony. The things they ordered would be delivered to the compound in a truck.

 

* * *

 

Loki munched happily on Bucky's nacho fries. He originally said he didn't want any, but once Bucky had it, Loki just had to have one. And another. And another. And another. Girlfriends stealing fries after neglecting to order their own seemed to be a universal thing. 

Loki bought himself a Five Guys burger while Bucky had a meat lovers pizza. Which Loki also occasionally nipped at.

They ate quite a lot. Bucky was a super soldier and Loki was a Frostgiant. It wasn't out of place. 

After this, they ordered chicken wings. They didn't talk much, just ate.

“I want sweets, Bucky. Dessert. Please?”

Bucky nodded. Yeah, that sounded perfect. So after their tray had been discarded, Bucky led Loki into a Pinkberry.

“What's all this?” Loki asked, looking at the machinery and the various toppings they had to offer. “Candies?”

Bucky watched Loki's curious eyes. His curiosity, the way his eyes analyzed everything, and the look of understanding Loki had after a few seconds… Bucky adored it. Loki was so smart. Bucky had been so anxious when he was rediscovering the world as a person. Everything scared him. He shied away and hid in his room.

Steve didn't attempt to ease him back. Shit, he was all too comfortable with having Bucky in a room all to himself. He'd always have Bucky to return to. At the time, Steve and the four walls were Bucky's only world. 

Bucky wasn't scared anymore. Now he had Loki… He and Loki will see the world.

“No… toppings for frozen yogurt.” Answered Bucky absently.

“What's yogurt?”

Bucky smiled and handed Loki a large cup. He was mainly using his flesh hand because his metal one was busy holding all sorts of bags. “You'll like it. Trust me.”

So, Loki took it and went right ahead to the machines. Loki couldn't decide on a flavor so he watched Bucky. Bucky got strawberry, so that's exactly what Loki got.

When it came to choosing toppings, Loki already seemed to have a good idea of what he wanted. He chose cookie dough bites and m&ms. Bucky put fudge on his. Bucky paid for everything because once Loki's is weighed, the black haired one headed right for a table to try his dessert a little too enthusiastically.

He took a small scoop. His pupils practically blew up at how good it tasted.

Bucky sat down to an amazed Loki.

“Buckyyyy… Oh my goodness!” Loki beamed before taking on a massive mouthful. His laugh alone made Bucky's heart swell with warmth, the love for him burning so intensely. 

"You like it, love? We should really go out more. This was fun."

All his table manners are forgotten as he devoured it. Somehow he even got some on his nose. Loki only hummed in agreememt and it was also more of a purr of delight towards the cold treat.

This was **very** uncharacteristic of Loki. But with Bucky, he saw no judgment. Therefore there was no need to be formal. So he let his walls come down.

He was so focused on his froyo.

Unbeknownst to him, Bucky sat there, ogling him pretty much. Loki was precious. The way his eyes lit up whenever he made a discovery warmed Bucky's heart.

Loki accidentally dipped his nose into the pink treat somehow. And he didn't notice. Bucky took a quick picture of course, smiling.

He changed this to his lock screen.

His home screen was that gorgeous picture he got of Loki on the bed. Beautiful black locks were sprawled out and his head was tilted to the side, a lazy smile painting his face.

One of these days, he'll have these photos developed. He'll take down his photos of Steve and replace them with something more genuine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fucking sucks cuz I'm depressed as shit but I wanna write but oh god im fucking miserable thanks for reading
> 
> https://i.pinimg.com/736x/23/30/ab/2330ab52c6008254ffc7e1abfa4ae10f--bath-robes-lingerie-sleepwear.jpg  
> Loki's new coat.


	8. Chapter 8

Bucky himself called an Uber car this time.

He had gone ahead and perched atop the concrete wall surrounding decorative planters at the pickup and drop-off point so that when Loki had their drinks, they'd be able to leave.

Bucky's metal arm was adorned by paper bags and reusable tote bags that Loki insisted on buying when he read the sign about disposable things being bad for the environment. It was endearing, really. Loki was sensible and caring even if he did have an adorable hissy side. Loki was often demonstrating petulance towards minor inconveniences like waiting in lines or being bumped into. There was something else Loki particularly hated:

People staring at Bucky in awe.

Loki tried being subtle about it for the sake of not being seen as a brat by his beloved. But he couldn't help but shuffle closed to Bucky and glare until they looked away quickly. That was another endearing thing about Loki. He was a sly, manipulative, possessive little fox. He had personality.

Never mind the looks of contempt from onlookers. Loki seemed to derive pride from such looks. Even in Midgard people judged sexuality, and knowing this, Loki always loved to be showy. That his love was his lover and he was completely unbothered by their disgust. He was not ashamed and he will not hide like the majority of people around them.

Bucky noticed that too. With Steve, it was different. Steve liked to hide. Sometimes he avoided Bucky's hand when he grasped for it. Sometimes he chose to stay so casual in public that Bucky himself questioned their relationship. He tried to tell Steve that it wasn't the 40s anymore. They were allowed to display affection. People were more understanding. But Steve still acted as though Bucky's touch scalded his very existence. It hurt.

There was a time when sneaking small gestures and sweet, subtle caresses felt like little glimpses into heaven. He wasn't sure why Steve decided to keep their relationship private…

The Avengers knew. They were well aware of it, but Steve chose to be private about it. It hurt Bucky. He felt betrayed Steve had been ashamed. Bucky had a feeling it had to do with his stupid Captain America image. Who knew? Steve never gave him an explanation. So Bucky wouldn't give him an explanation when he breaks up with Steve.

It wasn't about revenge. But God, would he love to see Steve shattered into a million pieces whenever he saw him in a prospering relationship with Loki. This was one thing he'd never do - he would **_never_ ** be ashamed of Loki. He would never dare hurt him on anyone that way.

It will feel so god damn sweet when Steve turns into history.

For now, he had this. They weren't official, but they definitely weren't just friends. Bucky was well aware he loved Loki and Loki loved him. It wasn't even up for questioning.

With three minutes left for the the driver to come, Loki comes happily trotting with a full tray of drinks. He had a cotton candy frappe, two ultra caramel frappes, and a pink drink.

Bucky couldn't help but smile. Loki's enthusiasm to try new things gave Bucky motivation to go out and see as much of the world as possible. He wanted to show Loki things he liked and rediscover all the good in life and find new things. They'll learn to become human together. They'll learn their independence. And maybe one day they can live the life Bucky dreamt.

Bucky tried the new colorful drinks. He liked the one Loki said was called a pink drink. The cotton candy one was too sweet - he liked real cotton candy better. He made a note to let Loki try the real thing later.

Bucky settled for caramel.

Loki’s hair was slicked back, but he'd done so much walking and changing clothes that it got fucked up and lost its form. Most of it was a greasy, unruly mess that Bucky loved so much. He liked it so much more when Loki let his hair down. He loved the way it framed his face. It made him seem easygoing.

Of course he still loved when his hair was slicked back. His cheekbones stood out more and it gave him a different, more serious aura. It's hot.

Bucky sipped his drink absently. It's venti. The other drinks were smaller since Loki was just trying them out. This one they knew they liked.

He hands Loki's phone back before pulling Loki into a sweet hug. He doesn't say much but Loki didn't have any qualms about it.

They've both had their fill of social interactions. They needed time to recharge and both respected and understood that.

So, when the uber comes, Bucky rested his head upon Loki's shoulder and rested his eyes.

It was only then that he noticed how tired his feet were. His heels hurt.

Loki smiled, holding the tray. He rested his head atop Bucky's and continued to sip his drink.

By the time they got to the compound, Bucky was heavily asleep. Loki picked Bucky up and used him as a tray by placing the drinks on him. When the car had pulled out of the driveway, Loki allowed his seidr to envelope Bucky in a plume of emerald smoke. He casually levitated Bucky all the way to Loki's personal chambers through winding paths and long corridors.

Loki figured that they kept Loki and Bucky so far was because they were unstable and unsafe. If they did pose a threat, the two would quite literally have to go through the Avengers before they could do fulfill any part of their devious agenda.

The door was ajar, and that was a bad enough thing already. He _hated_ whenever anyone else came into his room so randomly. Maids always put things out of order. He even begged his mother to tell them to keep out.

When Loki got in, there was a teenage boy inside. He was clad in a red and blue full body suit with a pattern Loki did not recognize but admired. He wasn't bothering anything.

He was another brunette, with wide, wondrous eyes and a little pink tongue that poked out as he worked on the task at hand: screwing a nail onto the bottom of Loki’s new olive green love seat.

Stark also had bots building pieces of furniture Loki recognized as the ones he had chosen.

Tony himself was helping replace Loki's wallpaper with a fitted green leather wallpaper. It was gorgeous.

Loki no longer cared that there were people invading his space. He grinned ear to ear and floated Bucky onto the bed.

For Tony, the magic itself was no longer something he'd bat an eye at. He'd seen Loki's magic himself, he'd seen aliens and gods, he'd seen all sorts of shit, nothing was weird. He himself was an oddity.

Although… It was still high suspicious that Loki chose the Winter Soldier to be his friend. Sure, the guy was a suave mother fucker, and everyone knew Loki was promiscuous (Loki attempted several times to flirt with Tony.), but this was such an unlikely pairing. Bucky didn't exactly appreciate how different the world had gotten. Some things remained the same, but to him things were _seriously_ different from how he remembered it being. The last thing he should be doing was mingling with something that came from the sky. He was only vaguely aware of the fucking moon landing. And of course their relationship was even more so hard to accept because Loki did try to take over the bloody world and Bucky was _a trained and brainwashed assassin_ and everybody **especially** Clint knew Loki had a penchant for brainwashing assassins. So, yes, it raised quite a few concerns and not to mention hairs on the backs of many peoples’ necks.

And also - even if they all weren't worried something evil was about to happen (which they indeed were), the Avengers had all been concerned and gossiping over the fact that Bucky has been way too friendly with Loki

So while Loki used his powers to affectionately bury Bucky in his three stolen duvets, Tony decided to ask finally the question every body had wanted an answer to.

“So exactly what are you doing with Bucky?”

“Keeping him entertained until Cap returns. One shouldn't be confined like an animal, yes? It isn't any good for him. He deserves to see the world and to have friends. I'm told he isn't social… he hasn't been anything but darling. What are you keeping him in his room for?"

Tony kind of… sort of.. maybe agreed with the god of mischief. Dude had a point.

“It's not my rule. It isn't even a rule. Steve just freaks out when Bucky goes out and does shit. He's very protective.”

“He really should be going out more. Keeping him here is a step farther from his recovery. Sure, his say has provided him some respite from all the trauma, but he's due to return to the world. He deserves that.”

Loki's eyes shift back to Peter. The little thing just wanted to spring up and talk and greet Loki and ask him all sorts of questions about aliens and where he was from.

Loki immediately recognized the childish wonder in his eyes and cooed. He plucked Peter up and sat him on a chair off of the floor. And then Loki hands the boy a cotton candy frappe and suddenly, they're friends. His curiosity warmed Loki's little heart.

He remembers the children of Asgard. As a prince, he and his family often had to do charity work, and Frigga loved to bring Loki to orphanages. Always children would come to him. It was the only times he chose not to he so formal because it delighted his beloved mother. He learned to appreciate their innocence and naivety.

Maybe one day he'd have his own. Maybe a that four legged creature he had seen. Or actual children. But he'll ask Bucky about those furry babies soon. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll it took so long because halfway through writing I decided to start a new file because I was having a mood. Then and then and thennnn...
> 
> Digital Infinity War came out like four and a half hours ago so I watched that. So basically it's 4:40am. 
> 
> And now this. 
> 
> Oh also I still rp, hmu pls ty ily all


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is going on a lot longer than I had anticipated yet somehow it isn't as detailed as I intended. 
> 
> Fuck me I guess. I'm trying not to drone on and on.

Most of the furniture had already been set up, save for the canopy bed. They were still working on it.

Tony had his henchmen recover the default furniture and also transfer Loki's things into the dressers.

Loki had two now. One was a typical large, heavy wooden drawer and the other was a full on two door closet with a stained glass window. The wood itself seemed expensive. It was thick, sturdy, and smooth with a dark varnish that Loki loved. Loki filled it with his new feminine clothing. He had bought mostly dresses and lingerie, a few skirts and designer tops.

The canopy bed was fashioned by the same wood and it just made perfect sense to get it.

The mattress sitting atop the old bed frame still had Bucky in it who remained tuckered away between Loki's blankets, undisturbed because everyone tried to remain as quiet as possible. And, Loki's scent was all over the sheets. Bucky loved it. Loki lifts the mattress and all in it using his magic, setting it aside.

Loki also used magic to position the new bed right in the center of the main wall and added a matching trunk to the foot of the bed. It had a vintage look and also had a bench on top. It was a pretty green.

The suite was starting to look a lot like home. All it needed was personal clutter and pictures and maybe a four legged furry thing. He still doesn't know what it is. (The word he's looking for is cat.)

Tony picked up a box set of picture frames Loki had bought. They guy really was trying to get comfortable… seriously, if he weren't, he wouldn't try to embed some sort of sentiment into his new living space.

Tony gently set the box down on top of Loki's drawer which Loki took a good look at.

“Tony? I wish to frame pictures. I've taken a few… how might I acquire physical copies?” Loki showed Tony a picture of himself and Bucky the first night they had decided to try out this new tech, and it was a sweet shot of them both looking a lot happier than Tony thought they were capable of being. Both of them always looked so sullen, it came as a surprise to Tony that they even possesses the muscles it took to smile. Then Loki showed him a sweet innocent looking Bucky, laughing, and another with the both of them giggling about a filter in the form of a video.

So just like that Tony taught Loki how to use a printer after Tony explained that videos can't be printed and framed BUT he can set the video as his desktop Screensaver and also as the background for his TV when he wasn't using it. That's exactly what they do.

Loki frames three pictures for now. These were the sweetest ones that he would be okay with others viewing. Private, more intimate files Loki kept for himself. These were the ones that they let their walls down in. Those where their eyes are are soft and loving, the ones where a little too much skin was exposed, and the silly ones Loki would much rather treasure than expose. They were both bad asses, they might as well keep the reputation rather than destroy it. Besides, Loki didn't want to share how precious Bucky was. Even if it was through photos in Loki's private quarters.

When Bucky awoke, only Peter and Loki were left in the suite and everything had already come together. Peter sat on the bed watching television whilst speaking to Loki.

Loki was in a pretty silk robe, cuddling Bucky who was still fast asleep. Loki faced Peter as he brushes Bucky's soft hair as he slept. His nimble fingers also stroked the man's face. Sometimes while he talked, he looked down at Bucky, wondering how on earth he had gotten so lucky to wind up right here. Peter observed them, looking for those particular glances. He'd been around countless times enough to know what Steve wasn't like this with Bucky. He usually sat stiffly and mum near Steve whenever he was around. Steve elected to deny Bucky's existence. Peter was rooting for Loki.

Loki grew fond of Peter and spoke gently to him. He was kind, sweet, and brave, and Loki admired his fast reflexes and sharp mind. He also had a sense of juvenile wit to him that Loki also enjoyed. Peter was just being his jovial self. He didn't have to try at all to entertain Loki.

Bucky awoke gradually. His eyes were closed when he heard Peter gently ask Loki,

“So do you like him? I've heard everyone talking… they're wondering about you guys.”

Bucky was wide awake by then as his interest peaked. He kept his eyes closed so Loki would actually answer.

Loki contemplated his response, but then smiled, cuddling up to Bucky. “Oh, young Peter, you are quite a keen observer… I thought we were doing good at being discreet. But now that we've been caught…” Loki had a playful tone to his voice that suggested he knew they weren't exactly hiding. Peter tilted his head.

“Alright, yes, the feelings alright there. I never believed I'd be capable of feeling for someone this strong if at all. But here I am… I'm wrapped around his finger and I couldn't be any happier.”

Peter smiled knowingly. “You know, he loves you too. Never let him go. I think you're perfect.”

“Things have always been so complicated for me. I only wish it were that easy.”

Peter's eyes shifted to Loki as he started to brush his own silky hair, tiny fingers weaving through shiny black waves. Any evidence of product being in Loki's hair was gone. “It's Steve, isn't it? You'll be fine. They're hardly together.”

Ah, so other people took note of Steve's distance, too.

Loki nodded and continued to brush his own hair. “I really hope that's the case. Someone this perfect shouldn't be easy to attain. Just look at him. His beauty far exceeds that of all the angels in heaven. ” gushed Loki. He tucked brown locks behind Bucky's ear to show Peter.

Bucky's lips twitch into the slightest smile. He tried so so hard not to expose himself so he could keep eavesdropping but he was so just ready to crumble and blush. He fought hard against the immense pressure of the heat that threatened to spread across his cheeks.

He managed to stabilize himself enough for Peter's quick mind.

“YOU SHOULD SEE HIM WITHOUT A BEARD. WAIT HERE.”

Suddenly, Peter departed from the couple gleefully. He comes back under a good ten minutes with an old shirt box Steve had kept. There flimsy cardboard receptacle held various pictures, mostly formal shots of family gatherings and and such. Peter remembered a particular photo of a young Bucky being in here. He had a little fun snooping around in people's rooms. They didn't have a lot but Steve on the other hand... he had some weird shit. And among the aforementioned weird shit were 1940s memorabilia. And other stuff. Other weird stuff Peter didn't even want to think about. But then there was this so…

He showed Loki this picture of Bucky in uniform, clean shaven and looking gorgeous as hell. Peter could see how Loki got so thirsty over Bucky that fast… Bucky's a whole ass snack.

Shaven Bucky was something else. Seeing the picture made Loki squirm from here he sat. 

“Well?”

“Oh, my…” Loki was speechless. The picture wasn't of the best quality but it was clear Bucky was even prettier behind the beard he wore. His hair had been slicked back a little in the photo and Bucky wore a proud smile that just did things to Loki. 

“...Wow.”

 _“Yeah…”_ Peter chuckled.

Bucky made a mental note to shave later. It has been a while since he's shown his face to the world. The idea popped into his head earlier today, but now it became much more apparent he had to. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thirsty Loki is a good Loki 
> 
> Feedback pls ty
> 
> Bear with me please I promise I won't keep droning on. I'll have drama ready for yall


	10. Chapter 10

There were two days left until Steve returned from his mission with Natasha and Sam.

It was unclear what the main objective was to Bucky, but he couldn't care any less. Things did not change. Steve would leave when he had a mission and Bucky would be alone to ponder his thoughts. He didn't miss him. He wasn't constantly fearful of the notion that Steve might return to him in a black bag. He never even felt the absence of his presence. They only ever spoke when it was convenient or whenever Steve tried to dictate what he thought would be better for Bucky.

No, you can't do this, you can't do that. It's not safe, you might relapse and hurt somebody, HYDRA might want you back, you might get lost or whatever the fuck. Steve kept drilling this shit into Bucky and it made him feel less human than he already felt. Steve restricted him in so many ways that he felt suffocated. All Steve wanted to do was hide Bucky.

At first he had been constrained in his suite comfortably. Lack of socialization became his norm decades ago, but as time went on he discovered more and more about himself and about the past. And he came to the realization that this was not the world he wanted. Yes, he was with Steve, but his world was very limited and Steve did not love him. When he did, it just wasn't what Bucky was looking for.

They spoke in was and whens, of times Bucky only faintly remembered, and it was a constant reminder that Steve only kept him because he was another one of his tokens of remembrance. He hated talking about the past. He had lost his whole world and what life he had ahead of him. He hated hearing Steve try to engage in storytelling. Reminders of how he had died a long time ago were incessant.

Anyway, Bucky had two days until he had to return to that. It would be long he could confront their stagnant relationship and leave once and for all.

But for the next two days, he has this.

He had Loki on the new sofa sitting in front of him, his wispy black hair freely resting atop his shoulders as he concentrated on one thing; playing a violin. Bucky didn't question how he had managed to acquire it and elected to admire his concentration.

Loki had already mastered proper form and techniques. He had gotten his hands on it a few hours ago and had a few books and YouTube videos to go by. Now Loki was trying to imitate a classical ballad by ear.

He wasn't failing at all.

The time had to have been around three in the afternoon, or ten in the morning, it was very hard to tell. He lost track of time a long time ago. He didn't care though as long as he had Loki. They could lose themselves in time and still Bucky would be fine.

Laid out in front of Bucky was a previously mundane canvas. For a while he outlined the silhouettes of the scene before him. He drew simple sketches of the furniture and of Loki. Overtime, it became more and more detailed. He brought out his paints and started expertly mixing shades to create the proper tones.

He had taken art classes with Steve a lifetime ago when things had been much more simple. Steve wasn't the only creative one. He liked to draw while Bucky liked to paint.

Their day is leisurely and slow, pleasantly silent while the two enjoyed me time but also basked in the other's presence. It was more of a leisure recovery day. Yesterday had been a busy one. They could go out and explore some other time.

By sundown, Loki had mastered the instrument. He stroked poignant melodies onto the strings as well as lovely ones. The way the instrument vibrated and hummed brought Loki into a state of serenity and focus that he rarely enjoyed in this unruly world. His mind was at rest. At least for now he puts everything behind him.

His music also put Bucky at ease. It motivated him to keep going. The two of them coalesced to provide the perfect atmosphere for either of them.

He finishes his artwork within the same day, something that he hasn't ever done. It turned out beautifully and very realistic. Its main focal point was Loki in his green silk robe, the focus and devotion to his music evident.

Both their hands are tired. Loki's fingertips were sore from roaming the strings on the fingerboard, his other hand felt heavy from holding the bow. His neck also felt stiff from holding the violin in place. Bucky's hands were dirty and tired from holding brushes and pencils for so long. Neither of them cared too much.

Bucky washed his hands and left the painting atop Loki's coffee table. His lover had yet to see it. He was unsure as to what their official status was, but they evidently weren't reduced to a friendly status. Things happened fast. They had rushed into things but their fervent feelings were sincere. That they knew.

So if Bucky decides to overcome this obstacle (aka Steve) and if the former stays true, he'll choose Loki. He had already chosen Loki. That's the thing. He had no clue how to handle this but he _does_ want to finalize things with Steve. He didn't want to be with him anymore. It wasn't worth hanging on to. He wanted his independence. He wanted the happiness Loki gave him.

Bucky got up and stretched, gathering his materials to clean and put away. Loki checked the time and did just the same. They'd both missed lunch and by now their hunger became apparent.

“Ugh, my love…” Loki whined when his stomach growled. Bucky chuckled.

“Yeah, I'm hungry too. I'll have them bring some food up.” Bucky sauntered into Loki's kitchenette, tapping the shiny silver pipe gently. The water flowed in a calm, cold stream over Bucky's colorful hands. He had all sorts of paint on him thanks to him testing shades or accidentally bumping on his mixing tray.

Loki followed and wrapped his arms around Bucky's waist, resting his head onto the man's back. “How about we go cook something? It'll be fun.. I suppose it'll be good for the both of us. I don't have my own personal cook anymore.”

How could he say no?

 

* * *

 

“Yes I know what an onion is, this is an onion. I'm not completely clueless. I'm self sustaining, you know.” Loki responded as he held an onion out to Bucky.

“The recipe says spring onion!” Bucky gestured to the ipad propped on the counter. It displayed a recipe for soup.

“It would help if I knew what a spring onion is! What is it? This could be a crop from the spring, that would make it a spring onion.”

Bucky shook his head, shrugging in a way that the corners of his lips turned downwards. “I don't know what it is - I've never personally cooked an actual meal.”

Loki scoffed but chuckled to himself. He grabbed the ipad and held the home button down until it beeped.

“Hey Siri, what the Hel is a spring onion???” As the website loaded, Loki returned to the wide open refrigerator to stare at the fresh vegetables. Loki kept his hands on either hip. 

“It's the green thing, Loki.” Bucky announced when the images came up. 

“Yes I'm aware, but you need to be just a tad bit more descriptive than that.” Loki pushed aside broccoli, asparagus, lettuce, cabbage, all sorts of ‘green things.’

“The long green thing.” Bucky replied.

Loki's arms dropped to his side and the man gave Bucky a look from over the silver refrigerator door. Bucky responded with a laugh.

“Well, I'm not wrong? You told me to a tad bit more descriptive."

Loki shook his head with a smile, tucking his messy hair behind his ear. He grabbed the iPad for a reference picture. He snatched the long green thing once Loki identified the vegetable. Then he switched the iPad screen back to the recipe.

“Okay, cut the green thing into very small parts.” Loki instructed. He handed it to Bucky who chopped away the weird white ball off with his own personal throwing knife. He didn't carry as much weaponry on his person but he always had a gun, bullets, and at least two knives. He proceeded to slice away at the thing. 

Loki does the same to some tomatoes for their chicken parmesan, using his freaking weapon, too.

When the time came to cook the chicken, Bucky nonchalanty used his fuckin metal arm to pick it up and flip the slices. 

Loki gawked at this, wide eyed, as he himself stirred the soup. For a second he was speechless, utterly bewildered that Bucky would even think to do this.

“Shouldn't you use… something? I'm sure there's something more appropriate to use…”

“Nope.”

Loki started to say something but there were no words.

His confusion was adorable to Bucky, so much so that Bucky finally broke out laughing with a snort, his nose crinkling in that adorable way he does.

Loki smiled, melting. He pulled Bucky close to him to pepper his sweet face with kisses. “I love the way that you laugh...the way your eyes light up… “

It's cheesy. Even Loki knew that, but it couldn't be truer.

They sat on the couch together when they finished cooking and Loki finally saw the masterpiece his lover had been working on. He never would have guessed that Bucky was so talented. The dimensions, shading, and color transition was impeccable. The painting itself seemed to have texture. That was how good it was. And the small details were all there. From the strings to parts of the violin... Bucky caught it all in the painting. 

Loki had always been an admirer of the arts due to the architecture and design of the resplendent palace that had once been his home. There were plentiful murals decorating certain places of the already flamboyant structure. He found pleasure in memorizing the little details and the work people had put in from intricately designed and textured walls to those adorned with the finest of art.

Naturally, when Loki is presented this, he just had to hang it. The painting finds its place above the headboard of Loki's bed.

The two called it a day and turned themselves in to the couch. They fell asleep cuddled to one another with the TV still playing a movie.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lots of smut ahead! It's m/f. 
> 
> I'll try to incorporate masculine Loki in the future, too.

The sun rose slowly, casting golden light into Loki's dark suite. This day would be their last full day with one another. Loki arose to the sight of his floor to ceiling window overlooking green grass and tall trees, and a hazy sun hanging lazily in the sky. Its warm rays tickled Loki's cold skin. Its beauty couldn't compare to that of Asgard’s, but Loki reminded himself each day that he was just lucky to be here at all.

His lithe form was enveloped in a warm embrace, a pair of two strong arms held him securely. Although it was admittedly slightly troublesome that one arm was a lot harder than Loki would like, he was still grateful to have him here. His poignant thoughts were cut short thanks to Bucky. Loki didn't even have to think of all he had lost. And no, it wasn't apathy because he did care and it did hurt. He never had the time to properly mourn - there just wasn't any time for such luxury.

Loki sat up to go brush his hair and wash his face. But first, he placed a sweet kiss onto Bucky's forehead and blanketed his form.

Only a few minutes later does Bucky notice the smaller man's absence. He woke up only to see Loki on his way back from the bathroom. He was in nothing but the same emerald silk robe he wore yesterday, and when Bucky's eyes focused completely, he could see that the silk was wrapped around a curvaceous feminine form.

Loki was still brushing his hair when he notices that his lovers beautiful eyes were vibrant and awake, focused on her. So, Loki smiled, elegantly making her way over to the man. She straddled his hips and he rose to kiss her.

“Hey, beautiful…” Bucky purred and wrapped his strong arms around her even smaller frame. He could practically feel as the lady preened over his greeting. Loki smelled faintly of sweet perfume. Bucky's kiss slowly ghosted her skin, trailing down the pale column. The smell of perfume was much more intense on Loki's neck, he noted, as he sucked marks on her soft ivory.

Loki easily shuddered and her she gasped as Bucky's mouth went on to explore her sensitive neck. He began to suckle which earned him small feminine whimpers. There was bound to be a bruise where his lips were.

To Loki's dismay, Bucky's lips left him. Bucky kissed the small darkening bruise and went further down Loki's chest. He held his arms a little farther from himself to lower Loki and expose his chest to the man.

“Bucky… not right now. Breakfast first.” Loki smiled and gently pushed the man. He pouted but he does oblige. In one condition.

“Let me play with your tits first, baby girl.”

“Is this form your preference? You seem particularly fond of this sex.” Loki mused, but nonetheless lead Bucky's hands to the dark green ribbon on his robe.

“I don't care who you want to be as long as you're mine, darling.” Bucky unceremoniously pulled the ribbon apart and practically ripped the cloth off of Loki's shoulders. Loki's eyes sparkled with lust and Bucky's blue ones darkened with need as both pairs cast downwards, hungrily watching Bucky's hands.

Bigger hands massaged and groped the perky, pale tits, his hands huge next to Loki's small frame. His touch alone brought Loki to mewl. Bucky spent a good time playing with her breasts, until finally he brought his attention to rubbing Loki's soft pink nipples.

Loki bit her bottom lip and scrunched her eyebrows together. The pink nubs hardened under Bucky's thumbs, and soon enough his rosy lips found their way onto those little nipples.

His tongue wiggles over Loki's sensitive nipple while one of his metal hand gripped the hem of Loki's robe. He popped his mouth off of her and immediately his actions are followed by a needy whine and dainty arms that tried to pull him back. Bucky easily overpowered him.

Loki practically growled and gave him another desperate yank. “Fuck. Don't you dare stop now, James...”

“Relax, baby… I'll give you just what you want.” Bucky flickered his eyes upward and had to chuckle. His eyes are met by a hard glare.

Bucky traded the already sore nipple for the other, giving this one just as much attention. His own softer hand slides over Loki's curved hip and traveled to the woman's ass. In this form, Loki was still small, but certain parts of him weren't - this was one of them. Bucky had a good handful of Loki's bubble butt.

He snuck his cybernetic limb into Loki's robe and without further ado, began to stroke the small slit. Loki's skin continued to be smooth and pale down there, but the heart of her femininity had an adorable pink blush to it. She cried out in surprise but easily succumbed to his touch. Her hips began to nuzzle his hand while his thick finger parted her pink pussy lips.

Those prodding silver digits stumbled upon the small pearl. Bucky couldn't exactly feel her honeypot and the divine moist she let off, but once Loki squeaked and shuddered beneath his touch, Bucky just knew. He continued to rub Loki in the same spot, his own eyes flickering up to watch Loki grow more and more desperate.

Loki threw her head back, her hair hanging in wispy black strands that Bucky just loved. She panted with wanton lust as her hips rolled forward to meet Bucky's touch. Though as the pleasure mounted, she shies away too, but out of desperation for release she continued to move towards Bucky's incessant touch. All the while, Bucky kept his lips on Loki's breasts. He switched every now and then so the little nubs wouldn't become too sore.

Loki began to cry out in long, beautiful moans, calling out Bucky's name in ecstasy. One dainty arm rests atop Bucky's bare, muscular shoulder. The other hand went down to stroke the obscene bulge in but that hand is gently brushed away. Loki was kept under Bucky's close observation. As soon as her body began trembling and her moans intensified, Bucky pulled away.

“Uh uh. Breakfast first, baby boy.” Bucky grinned wickedly at a stunned and flustered Loki.

“ **_Don’t_ ** use my own words against me. Fuck me now.” Growled Bucky's bossy bottom.  

Alas, Loki did not get what she wanted. Bucky stood up and put a shirt on. Loki couldn't be bothered with clothes. So, with a whine, she simply wrapped the robe over her statuesque figure.

Bucky's brown hair was a mess due to the way he had slept as well as Loki's constant touching. They were on their way out when the lady caught this. Loki pulled him back in.

No, no.

“Darling, you can't possibly go out looking like that. It's improper.”

Bucky huffed but what could he do? He sat there and easily submitted to Loki brushing his hair. “Looking like what? I'm gorgeous.”

Once Loki had successfully brushed and styled Bucky's pretty brown locks, they made their way down the corridor which was somehow oddly silent, seemingly vacated. Neither were aware that it had to be around five in the morning when they got out. They both came to the conclusion that the others were all downstairs busily enjoying their meals.

Loki grinned when they both seemed to have the same thing in mind. Loki was still hot and Bucky still packed a hard-on in his sweats…

Bucky shoved Loki into the wall with a loud thud that resonated throughout the seemingly abandoned hallway. Loki laughed naughtily and peeled the robe right off for her man to have complete access. Bucky snatched Loki's small hands and pinned them against the wall hastily, not that Loki would bother trying to break free.

Within moments, Bucky's lips placed sporadic kisses down the nubile body. And his mouth made its way between Loki's thighs. His strong arms hooked around slender thighs to secure their lewdly open position.

Wanda awoke to the sound of loud feminine moaning. It couldn't be Natasha, she wasn't due to return home until tomorrow morning. And it couldn't be any of the other guys because well… They had no business moaning like _that._ Much less should they be calling out the name ‘Bucky.‘

Thor was already awake by the time Bucky had first slammed Loki into the wall. And now this. He was all too familiar with the sound of _those_ moans. His room had been next to Loki's during their teenage years after all.

Rhodey immediately asks FRIDAY to put on music to cover up the sound. Bruce slept peacefully. And Tony and Pepper gave each other a look, agreeing not to speak about it.

Anyone that heard and put two and two together all silently agreed not to mention anything. First of all, it was awkward. Second, they didn't want to be caught in the drama concerning _that_ particular pairing.

Bucky Barnes held Loki's hips over his face as he lay on the hallway, lapping up the last of Loki's juices. She's panting, whimpering, and cum still dribbled down her chin. She finally hopped off of Bucky and helped him to his feet once she herself recuperated. Her and Bucky's cheeks remained flushed pink.

“How was that?” Loki asked as she wiped her face. Bucky did just the same before hooking an arm around the lady's very small waist.

“So talented… But I think I can suck cock better than you can.”

“Oh, is that a challenge?” Loki grinned. Before long, they made it to the kitchen.

They're fairly confused when there was no food prepared or even remnants of it. They took matters into their own hands and began to cook, still bewildered. There was no evidence of food ever being made or consumed whatsoever. There were no stray napkins, plates, or coffee cups. In fact, the keurig itself seemed unused. There weren't any coffee splatters or leftover pods.

_Oh._

_It was still too early._

They were all still in their rooms. 

Loki paled upon this realization. But just as quickly, she shrugged it off. He had never been one to be bashful when it came to such matters. He simply read the instructions on the pancake mix packaging and got to work.

But of course… neither of the two knew how to behave. This time it's Loki who pushes Bucky up against something, her small hands twisting and pumping Bucky's length while they made out. This ends with the pancake mix getting tossed off the counter and Bucky hoisting his new lover onto it. Loki got rawed eagle spread atop the kitchen. Loki isn't exactly silent and neither was Bucky. The super soldier's hard thrusting could be heard too. All that mattered was their need for one another.

Breakfast itself wasn't all that interesting, except for the fact that Bucky's little minx continued to try and tease him. Bucky successfully kept his pants on… He was pretty sated from all they had done.

 

* * *

 

“Babydoll, I need a shower. Wanna come with?”

It was an offer Loki could not refuse. He needed to freshen up. All that cooking made him smell rather unpleasant.

Their time is spent grooming themselves in silence. Loki perched onto the counter and outstretched his legs to shave. Meanwhile, Bucky trimmed his beard. Just a trim.

While he waited for Loki, Bucky made sure the temperature of the water was just right. Loki washed the razor and tucked it back in the drawer it had originally been.

Of course, when Loki got in, the two just **had** to make love some more. This time, Loki was bent over the rib of the rub with all holes exposed to Bucky. He gladly used both entrances as he pleased.

But after, they both washed up, deep conditioned, used bath scrubs, and then put in a bath bomb to get their skin all smooth.

After the bath, Loki went right ahead and did a face mask on both of them because self care is good for the soul. Bucky also put a hair mask on the tips of their hair and then they both smoothed lotion into their skin.

For the rest of the day Loki couldn't _not_ touch Bucky in some way. His green eyes seemed to permanently be embedded with lust. They both subconsciously knew that it would be be a long while until they'd have such a long time together. Steve and his closest friends would be around and who knew how often all three of them would be sent off together. The might as well make it worthwhile.

It went both ways though - it's either Bucky would reach over and spoil Loki with his touch or Loki would do the same for Steve.

Bucky went ahead and shaved his beard completely after dinner. Shit, he hardly recognized himself. It was concerning, yeah, but he hadn't actually seen himself bare since perhaps the 40s. He looked amazing.

And Loki seemed to agree…

When Bucky left the bathroom smelling strongly of aftershave, Loki wasn't the only one surprised.

Loki wore a full set of black lacy lingerie. The bra had all the normal functions of a pushup bra, but the cloth over the frame was sheer and had lace black floral accents all over it. Her high waisted panties matched the cloth. And to make things even sweeter, Loki's gorgeous thighs were adorned by a perfect black stripe that held up two pairs of thigh high stockings. Just the sight of her brought heat upon Bucky's crotch.

Over Loki's shoulders was that gorgeous see through coat that Loki had bought. The sleeves elegantly ran down Loki's slender arms and fanned out at the wrists and ended with a beautiful faux black fur lining. The opening of the robe had also been lined with the same fur, as was the long skirt tail. The coat itself had a skirt that went down all the way past Loki's feet and ended in a circular shape that dragged along the floor gracefully.

“Wow…” was all either of them could muster, both entranced in their own way.

Stunned at the others beauty, they both slowly moved closer until they met at the foot of Loki's bed. Unsurprisingly, their lips became entangled once more, caught in each other's arms.

This time Bucky laid his lover out on the bed and carefully and slowly undressed her. His lips traveled down her arms, her neck, her legs, everywhere he could… He worshipped her body like the goddess she was throughout their night of passion. Every inch of Loki's skin felt Bucky's loving touch.

By five in the morning, Bucky continued to penetrate deeply into Loki's core. It was around that time when he reached down and started teasing her clit and before she knew it, she had lost all track of what was happening, until she was coming hard, her tight walls milking his straining cock out of control. Loki practically shrieked as pleasure shot throughout her body, overtaking her and causing her to shudder violently. Bucky punched his hips deep into her when he himself fell over the edge. His hot seed spilled inside Loki in hard spurts. Slowly, Bucky continued to thrust, the two of them still very sensitive. Loki easily came once more.   
  
They lay in a tired, panting heap, overworked bodies disintegrating into the sheets. Bucky covered them both with a blanket as Loki's tired self fell into deep slumber when her breathing steadied  

Not far from them was a pile of discarded clothing and the remnants of a beautiful night stained the sheets and dried between their legs.

After tonight, Bucky knew it had to have been more than just simple sex. It felt genuine. It felt a lot more natural than the way he and Steve clung to old memories that Bucky hardly remembered. He hoped it would stay that way when Steve came back… He hoped it would be easy to let go of his past.

They were well aware that hours from now, Loki would be alone again and Bucky would have to face whatever consequences came his way. The others saw a great deal of flirting and with the realization that they were in the rooms, it was quite possible that they knew so much more about their affair than either of the two would want. Any one of them could tell Steve what happened.

He didn't want things to be complicated, but it would be.

If things don't blow up and time does come for Bucky to let go, he wasn't sure he was ready for that. He owed Steve. And he couldn't just break his heart and replace him so suddenly. He did care. He always would. But now there was Loki...

We had formed a deep personal bond the first night, and slowly, without realizing it, I'd become a character in her story and she in mine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter is where the fun starts.
> 
> I feel illiterate as shit rip me
> 
> Thank you for reading!!! Next chapter is where the Stucky aspect of the story comes. I'll be honest, this story leans more towards Winterfrost than Stucky, but there WILL be more Stucky incorporated into the story. 
> 
> I'm still up to roleplaying! Literate only and please refrain from taking like a day to respond. I understand time differences but like - ya know.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope ya'll enjoy this sordid relationship! And of course Bucky would talk shit about Steve.. in his mind he was attempting to justify a whole freaking affair. It's always good to shift the blame to the other person for not being enough! (Note my sarcasm.) That's exactly what typical cheating partners do!

Steve sat in the cockpit of the quinjet, all his fingers holding his phone in place. His thumbs tapped away at the keyboard. His whole body hurt and he was still nursing the biggest fucking concussion from knocking his own shield into his face. 

“Mornin’ babe. I'm on my way home, Buck. I'm sorry it's been a while since I last texted you. It's been pretty busy. How are you? I missed you. Look, I'm sorry I haven't been paying attention to you. I miss you, I miss us, it's just that I've been dealing with so much. I'm trying to recover. Always remember that I will always always love you. Okay?”

“I should be there in two hours. Go eat something, please. For me.” 

Things weren't exactly peachy. Ever since he came to, he realized just how fruitless his efforts and sacrifices had been. HYDRA continued to operate under the radar, the tesseract hadn't been destroyed and continued to be weaponized by many, including the very agency that he had been rooting for, Steve lost everything he ever cared about, and he was tossed back into an unfamiliar world in a constant state of pandemonium. And then he found out he hadn't lost  _ everything.  _ He found Bucky again, got him back, but in the process put a wedge between another friendship because the guy killed the other guy’s mom 'n' pop. So yeah, Steve's life is a massive fucked up joke and Steve's mind was having the grandest time trying to grasp all the bullshit being hurdled at him. Added to that was certainty that he had caused a massive rift in their already dysfunctional team all because he wanted his assassin ex-boyfriend back who ostensibly didn't give a shit about him anymore. Perhaps he did, but Bucky demonstrated such coldness towards him. He never picked up on why Steve grew distant. He supposed Bucky mistook his need for time with disinterest on Steve's part and perhaps that was why Bucky chose to glower in his presence. Bucky also didn't seem to understand any of Steve's motives. He had told him to lay low and be discreet a long time ago and Bucky didn't respond too well to that either. He got all angry thinking that Steve was ashamed of him and his past. His feelings were still the same. He continually berated him with the bullshit that they needn't hide. The world would accept them. It made him seem reckless and frankly, it was disconcerting to Steve. He needed Bucky to understand what was at stake and he wasn't actively trying to push the guy away. It wasn't shame whatsoever. 

Having his life on the line brought clarity to Steve's thoughts. He could die any second and he didn't want to not be in good terms with his lover. He pledged to try harder. He’ll try to clarify what it all meant and what was at stake. Most importantly, he’ll try not to be so distant either. He'll also try mending the Avengers. It was his fault (mostly) why they fought in the first place. Everything was on the line. His relationship was hanging by a thread and the Avengers’ professionalism had been compromised. Again… something he should be held liable for. He was to blame and Steve wanted to make things right, as he should. 

And by god was he trying to make things right. He tried to maintain special care of Bucky so he wouldn't revert back to his old self and kill everybody. He tried to make their relationship less obvious because Steve actually had consideration. He didn't want anyone to think he betrayed them just to get his boyfriend back… which was exactly what he did. He risked earth's most formidable line of defence for something so petty and yes, selfish. They were civil towards each other now but they weren't exactly buddy-buddy. 

He just wanted what was best for Bucky. He'd seen the way some of the others looked at him. He just wanted to keep him as inconspicuous as possible to keep him out of everybody's radar. Maybe once things were okay, they could freely express their love for one another. But for now he just didn't want their relationship to be magnified and judged. 

“You alright?” 

He snapped out of his thoughts long enough to notice Nat had taken a seat near him. Steve looked down at his phone, the screen still lit. His blue chat bubbles were left without a response, but beneath them was the small grey line that Steve hated so goddamn much. Read at 8:32am. 

He clicked his phone off and looked to Nat with a small smile. He nodded but she had picked up on his forlorn expression. However, she chose to respect his boundaries and push no further. Her concern had already been expressed  

On top of all his problems, there was Bucky completely ignoring Steve's pledge to make things right. 

Little did he know Bucky had never actually seen what he had written him… and wouldn't ever see it.

Loki's eyes snapped wide open at the sound of Bucky's beeping phone. He snatched it up and saw immediately that it had been the Captain that had disturbed his slumber with two alerts. Right. That pest would be returning soon. 

Out of curiosity, Loki unlocked Bucky's device. He had easily memorized his code because Bucky never cared to conceal it from him. As he read on, more creases in his forehead appeared. Bucky had told him that Steve wasn't exactly the sweetest lover and often, he felt alone even with his lover near. Steve repetitively denied their relationship in front of others and pushed him away. 

Of course, Loki took Bucky's word for it. It was late, why would Bucky lie? The night was when people reveal their true selves. With this knowledge, Loki truly believed that he did not have any competition and that in no time, he would be calling Bucky his own. This text changed everything. With this, he knew the man still cared and had the intentions of reconciling with his inamorato.

No one will be taking his love away. Not again, not ever. These texts are deleted promptly and the phone is set back aside. 

Loki gently shook Bucky awake. 

His method of saying good morning was particularly odd, but definitely something that Bucky would never complain about. 

Because as soon as he had his eyes opened, Loki was already between his legs, grinning. Even with an unruly bedhead, Loki still looked as stunning as ever. 

“God, you're perfect.” Bucky cooed as his own lips curled to match Loki's grin. “Get over here.”

Loki pressed his lips against the head of Bucky's cock, planting a playful and teasing kiss. His tongue poked out from parted lips and teased little flickers against his slit. His bony hand clasped a rapidly hardening rod.

 

* * *

 

The two headed to Bucky's room so Bucky could get ready. Not that he needed to… He looked stunning as is and Loki wasn't particularly fond of the idea of Bucky dolling up for anyone that wasn't himself. 

Bucky stood in front of his mirror with a hand on a bottle of cologne. He had a button down long sleeve shirt on and a pair of leather pants. His belt was undone and so was his zipper. From his lips escaped soft moans and gasps, his half lidded blue eyes were cast down to a pair of gorgeous green eyes intensely watching him. Just looking at his black haired minx got Bucky to shudder. 

He just looked so  _ perfect  _ down there with his cheeks hollowed out around him as he bobbed his head. Loki looked absolutely delightful with his lips tightly auctioning his thick cock. And god, Bucky was just mesmerized as Loki's long black locks bounced along with his expert movements.

The landline sitting next to them began going off. Neither of them went to answer it and so it directs to speaker phone after a good few rings. 

A familiar voice came through,  _ “Hey pal, I'm home. Are you up yet?” _

The shorter of the two bit his bottom lip in hopes to stifle his own moans. None of which he was able to suppress. Bucky was close to coming. Loki knew so he sat up, continuing to jerked him off with expert, nimble hands. Loki spat down on the man's cock for extra lube. Just so it felt better for both men. Loki loved the way Bucky felt in his hands. He was so thick and long… He loved how his swollen cock twitched when he drew closer and he reveled at the sight of the man's veins as they grew angrier the closer he got. He loved the heat of him sliding along his palms. 

Loki leaned right into his ear. “I need you to remember something, baby..”

Bucky's hips arched into Loki's touch as he traded soft yet deep moans into desperate whining. Loki shushed him - the phone was still on. He felt pins and needles and he gasped, attaching his lips with Loki's to muffle himself further. 

_ “Baby? I missed you. Will you come down to the common room? We stopped and got McDonald's. Knowing you, you probably haven't eaten yet.” _

Loki kept going until he felt Bucky suddenly shudder and cum into his hands. 

“Mm, god..” Bucky moaned quietly, resting against the wall to recover from all that. He was beautifully disheveled and Loki marveled at the sight of him - his cheeks were still freshly flustered, his lips an extra pink while he had bit into it, and and his skin glowed from last night's sex. The black haired one leaned in once more into his ear. “You're mine. Remember that.” Loki purred, before grabbing the man's now shaven cheek. He turned him over and kissed him passionately. 

_ “Hello? Bucky? Are you there? Okay pal. Get some rest.”  _

“All fucking yours, Loki.” Bucky gasped under his breath before pulling Loki by the waist and kissing him fervently. 

“ _ I love you.”  _ The phone clicks, indicating Steve hung up. Unbeknownst to him, his beloved had been callously hooking up with a complete stranger without even giving it a second thought. 

Was Bucky guilty? No. Did he have a single care at all about whatever repercussions this may come with?  _ Slightly _ . But almost is never enough. His feelings were still up to question. Loyalty to either of them he could not guarantee. Maybe he'd be a fool for Steve once again. Or maybe he would stay hating Steve and eventually give himself wholeheartedly to Loki. The possibilities were endless. There were three hearts that were about to be broken. How long Bucky could hold it off to make the right decision, he wasn't sure. Because he  _ knew  _ it wouldn't be unfair for either of them. This had all been his fault. Loki never asked for this, neither did he, and no matter how distant Steve had been, he deserved not to be treated like a fool. Loki also deserved better than whatever clandestine meetings they'd hold in the future. 

A pleased Loki walked off to the man's kitchenette to wash away any evidence of the illicit act that had just ensued. “I suppose it is time for all this to come spiraling down. You and I both know everyone had heard what happened. I will be homeless and you will return to your poignant association to the Captain.”

“Loki, there's a good chance everyone was still asleep. We got up pretty early.”

“And that thought is the only consolation you can provide? Who is to believe that enhanced individuals trained for combat wouldn't hear loud disturbances? They already suspect us. I'm sure of it.”

Bucky sighed and fixed his belt. It was a mystery to him how quickly Loki's mind and attitude moved so quickly. But they were only minutes away from facing their sin. 

Loki brushed his hair again with wet water and then wiped his hands with a towel. “And if today we manage to pretend what happened did not… this liaison will never prevail. What then, Bucky? What if he suspects your infidelity? Do you really love me? What's going to happen, Bucky?” He had spoken slowly, but as his words continued to flow, his eloquence suffered and became shaky. 

Loki had no idea what he was going off on, his mind was moving a mile a minute and he couldn't quite fathom why he was so suddenly becoming hysterical. He didn't want to lose Bucky, yes, but he usually kept his composure in the face of others. Fuck, he wanted to secure his relationship with Bucky - hence the morning blow jobs - but now he was panicking. This would  **definitely** ruin everything. He had no idea what the fuck he was doing and suddenly he was just crying. 

_ Everything just had to be so complicated.  _

He didn't want to be alone. He didn't want to have to think of all his mistakes and all that had abandoned him, his unworthiness of happiness, his loss… All the malignant thoughts that rattled in his skull were cleared just because someone came into his life and made a connection with him. That someone showed him love even for the shortest time. It happened quickly, too quickly, and it was almost obscene. This had all been a fucking mistake but goddamn it he had never felt this way before. He wanted Bucky. 

He looked to the man, that devilishly handsome man with soft, understanding eyes, and he wept. Soft sobs racked his slender frame. He felt so weak and small… until suddenly those arms enveloped him in a tight embrace. 

“ _ Of course _ I love you. That's why we are here. Stop crying, darling… we'll work this out somehow. I'll try to let go of Steve. We need time.” Frankly, Bucky needed time. A few nights ago it had just seemed so damn  _ easy  _ to say it to the man's face. But suddenly he came to a realization that no. Steve  didn't deserve to be dropped so hastily and then replaced. That was his best friend. A brother, a lover. At some point, he had been his only world and the same went for him. Steve risked  **e v e r y t h i n g** just for him, and only now did Bucky understand. Steve deserved the world. 

Loki listened intently, his body fighting to regain control of itself and halt the sudden outburst. Loki wasn't helping his case however. “You’ll… you will  **_try?!_ ** ” He pulled away angrily, his eyes swollen and red with glossy eyes spider cracked with reddened veins. “Promise me!!” Cried Loki. 

Not a single promise was made, but Loki did receive a compromise. 

They will wait. Loki needed to be patient. Bucky needed to let Steve go gently. This was not the right time. So many people possibly witnessed their dalliance and it would be too contentious to leave his old love and jump into another relationship. They shouldn't be too obvious. For one, Loki might just be murdered by Steve. Two, Loki and Bucky would never make it out there. Three, they didn't want to be the subject of scrutiny. 

And, secretly, Bucky was unsure whether or not he should pursue Loki when he owed Steve so much. But he had to placate Loki. He was to blame. He initiated this relationship. Loki sought comfort and wound up in Bucky's bed because Bucky asked. It wasn't Loki. Loki deserved love that he never received enough of. 

So, as soon as his paramour had calmed, Bucky led him to the common room. It was so obvious that they had slept together. There were bruises on their necks visible even through long hair. They both carried a certain after glow…

When they arrived, Loki came last, meekly hiding behind the man. Just as soon as Bucky walked through that door, it were as if he had forgotten all about Loki. It felt like a dagger to his heart, but much more intense. (He knew what that felt. It wasn't so bad compared to the sheer fear of feeling all his blood leave his body.)

Because Steve got up and intercepted Bucky's path to the bags of McDonald's to kiss Bucky so openly. 

Bucky himself was surprised. It didn't go unnoticed that all of the Avengers were seated in this very room and most of them had their eyes cast to the newcomers. Steve was… kissing him… shamelessly? And he initiated it? Bucky was so taken aback by the familiar but nearly forgotten feeling of those pink lips that he just had to close his eyes and cup the man's bearded cheek. 

All this time and he had just realized that he missed this. 

“You look good…” Steve whispered, and Bucky smiled, melting as he felt strong arms hold him. These once scrawny arms were now practically threatening to bust every seam of whatever he had on. (A simple grey sweater.) 

“The beard suits you a lot more than me…” Bucky presses their lips together once again. 

Loki stood back, horrified. He could feel all sorts of eyes on him. Curious pairs from two others that had just arrived. And glares of disgust from those that were here for  _ that.  _ Perhaps it was of feelings of homophobia, but none or the Avengers harbored such thoughts. Loki felt so dirty, so used… 

He could feel his blood drain from his face and rush to his feet. He could practically feel his own skin paling. Loki had known some sort of romance was to be expected, but they were a  **lot** closer than Loki had anticipated and accepted. He felt just as betrayed as Steve should be. He kept his hair in his face as he glared at nothing in particular. 

Loki rushed past them and rammed his shoulder into that of Steve and Bucky and proceeded to make a bee line for his older brother. He stood towering in the kitchenette, snacking on breakfast foods. Fuck this and this sordid relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Loki's about to go full bitch mode in the next chapter. Let's fucking gooo!
> 
> He won't exactly take too kindly of the fact that Bucky's having conflicted feelings already. Who really is the villain here? 
> 
> Uh, all of them in their own right. 
> 
> But it's certainly primarily James Buchanan Barnes. He basically took advantage of Loki in a moment of weakness. But, they were both mellowed down and at the time they somehow clicked and that was strange for either of them. They have similar experiences and feelings. They've both done things they regret. That's where their chemistry comes from. Bucky just felt unloved and found it in this newcomer. All his life, Loki never felt loved to begin with and suddenly it's served to him on a silver platter. Who could blame him for such a sudden attachment? They probably shouldn't have slept together repetitively...
> 
> Does that make what he did okay? No, and he dragged Loki into a huge mess, but is Steve the one to blame for not providing a solid relationship? Or is Bucky at fault for misunderstanding Steve?


	13. Chapter 13

Loki felt a large hand on the small of his back as he angrily ate his brothers nuggets. He bit down on each one and yanked the poor nugget away hastily.

“Are you all right?” Mumbled his rather concerned brother.

“You didn't know?” he asked in a hushed whisper.

Through gritted teeth, Loki hissed, “Of course I knew.”

“Right, then you should not be displaying such petulance. You knew what you were dealing with, Loki. I suggest you leave them. This is scandalous.”

Loki could practically _feel_ himself turn red. Perhaps Bucky had lied to him all this time and he had only used Loki as entertainment. The past few days had solely been another one of Loki's humiliations.

But… no. The feelings were all there. Loki was a pathological liar and was infamous for being pretentious so he recognized small mannerisms and anomalies in behavior when it came to people lying. Bucky demonstrated none of those signs. So, no, he hadn't been lied to. But did he like watching Steve and Bucky canoodling?

Also **_no_ **.

Perhaps his brother had a point. Loki knew exactly what he had gotten into when he proceeded with the affair. He knew that Steve would be back and that they were lovers. And what did lovers do? Make out, cuddle, and flirt. They had a right to do that. But that man was Loki's man now, and he had a right to him too. He's deep in thought as he glared so obviously at his lover and his _other_ lover. His blood was fucking boiling and he was still angrily ripping nuggets apart and biting down on them too hard. He's _punishing_ the nuggets.

Thor reached for his food back but instead got a knife plunged in the space between his middle and pointer fingers. The knife gets lodged into the counter.

This wasn't the first time it happened and he was in no mood to quarrel with his now hot headed brother. If only mother hadn't spoiled him, Loki would have been so much sweeter and less viscous. But he'd always been like this. Thor had to bribe little Loki to even like him when they were kids. Ah, yes, he remembered Loki as a toddler - always hid behind his mumma or wedged himself in her arms - and young Thor had always attempted to charm the glowering child into playing with him. He brought fruit and toys and made offerings to little Loki. Sometimes it was thrown into his face, or regifted to Frigga, or simply rejected. It varied from time to time.The day Loki accepted his gifts was the day mother set Loki the two year old down for five seconds and Loki wanted attention. So Thor got to briefly play with little Loki before he stole his dagger and attempted to blind him. So, yeah, Loki had always been somewhat dangerous. Not that Thor was scared. He just didn't want to get stabbed today. The knife thrusted into the counter was a good enough warning… the thing was buried so deep and cleanly into the marble that only the handle was visible. The whole blade disappeared within the hard surface.

Tony and Rhodey exchanged a certain look, and Tony used his chin to gesture to Loki. Rhodey nodded with understanding. Loki's jealousy was palpable.

Loki's mood unexpectedly shifted. Suddenly, he's cheerful and bubbly. And unsurprisingly, Loki skipped merrily right to Bucky. Thor groaned and just as soon as he sees this, his hand flew to the bridge of his nose to pinch it before Loki gave him a migraine. He just wanted… for once… Loki would refrain from being Loki.

“Oh, Lo…” Defeated, he watched as Loki sat way too closely to Bucky. Loki promptly

“Hi!” Loki goes as far as nuzzling Bucky's shoulder, to which Bucky didn't flinch at or push him away initially. His instinct was to wrap his left arm around the slender yet tall body. Steve just looked absolutely shocked. And even more so when Loki pecked his man's shaven cheek. A million different things ran through Steve's mind, but his own brain feeds him some sort of horse shit: Loki is the god of mischief. He was trying to initiate some sort of trouble to get a rise out of him. Because that's what the god of mischief would do. He was trying to get a rise out of Steve for the sake of aggravating him.

But for Wanda, Tony, Pepper, and all the others present that day… they couldn't help but glare at Loki and also look to a very disappointed Thor to reign in the little giddy, vapid whore he called his brother. But did they say anything? No. Sam and Natasha  were glaring hard at Bucky and Loki. But did they say anything? No. Natasha goes back to catching up with Bruce. And Sam watched the game on his phone but the thought of not liking Loki never left his mind. That mother fucker was just bad news through and through.

Loki's body language was everything. The very way he leaned in, nuzzled Bucky, and even placed a bony hand over the man's toned upper thigh… Steve was trying **so hard** not to let it get to him. His focus was primarily on that. He hardly even noticed that Bucky had his arm around the flirt. But Steve did see the hand that was way too close to home. He brushed the small hand away as unobtrusively as possible.

“So you really got ready for me to come home, huh?” Steve smiled, caressing Bucky's cleanly shaven cheek. He looked so much better this way… the beard wasn't bad but he loved the fresh faced sharp jawed look. That's how he knew Bucky. “Got all pretty just for me…” Steve could feel Loki glare straight into his soul. And before Bucky could respond…   


“Hey, Bucky, what is this?” He inquired, gesturing to the oreo McFlurry sitting between Bucky’s thighs. Loki's voice became sickly sweet. “May I try some, please?”

Despite Steve's harsh glare, Loki bat his eyelashes at Bucky with exaggerated butter eyes and (not) subtle seduction. Loki wanted this to be clear: he was here and he definitely slept with Bucky.

Bucky made it clear to Loki to keep things discreet, but he himself hardly remembered to do that. How could he when Loki looked at him like that? And there was nothing wrong with letting the alien try his dessert. Bucky smiled down at Loki. “Oh, this? It's ice cream. It's kind of like the froyo we had, but different. Here…” Bucky scooped a concoction or oreo and vanilla ice cream and led it between Loki's willing lips.

Since fucking when did the tower have froyo, and what business did _his_ antisocial lover have even talking to Loki?

Steve's left eye twitched.

Even more so because Loki asks for another and Bucky had the **nerve** to feed him more. All the while, Loki's eyes darkened with lust and he flashed a sultry smile. The atmosphere of the room became pretty uncomfortable. Everyone that sat there tried to remain casual but they were ALL listening to gossip. The room had a certain air of tension.

Steve cleared his throat right then. “May I have some, Buck? Been a while since-”

Bucky showed him a now empty cup. “I'm sorry babe. There's no more.” Over Bucky's rounded, broad, and muscular shoulder, he could see that small little shit looking right at him with such satisfaction, pride, and mockery. And he _swore_ Loki winked when their eyes met.

“Here, I'll throw that away for you, sweetie.” Loki sat up slowly, making a show of popping out his ass on his way up. A sleeve covered pair of hands brushed his hair away from his shoulders and _everybody_ could see the now exposed hickeys. He took the cup to the trash and disposed of it. His stride back was full of confidence, showy, and particularly asking for attention. He made sure his shoes clicked the floor and that his black locks bounced with every move. The bruises were unmissable. If it hadn't been clear enough, at that very moment it was indisputable whether or not something happened between the two. Steve was _pissed._

And as he sat back down, Steve's more feminine competition somehow gracefully popped himself down onto Bucky's lap.

Loki turned and with a pretentious gasp, slowly removed himself from where he sat. “ _Whoops_. Pardon me. How clumsy of me. Sorry, James. I'm not into you that way.” Loki winked as he sat right next to Bucky once more. Steve was no fool. Loki's ostentatious display was all too prominent. It was as though Loki was doing this on purpose.

Steve had hoped that the bruises weren't done by his Bucky. Steve was adamant in choosing to believe Bucky's innocence. He was a fool that loved a man so intensely that he did not want to admit to himself that something scandalous had occurred over the last few days even when the evidence presented itself.

One thing was for sure. Loki was a fucking threat to his relationship. He had his shortcomings but he was going to make up for it. Bucky never stopped being his during his absence. And Steve had to make a move now. Some sultry bitch was testing them. He had to assert his romantic status and remind Bucky who he was with.

“Well, you better not be… this one right here is mine.” Steve smiled at Bucky, cupping his cheek and leading him in closer for a long peck.

Steve straddled the man's thighs and in the process brushed a smug looking Loki aside with his knee.  

He totally pushed the Captain’s buttons. “And frankly… I miss you.”

Bucky moaned and grabbed Steve's ass.

He knew exactly what Loki was doing, and knew they were on thin fucking ice, and in his mind he wanted to push both of them the hell away, but he _liked_ that because of Loki, Steve became jealous enough to want to be near him in public. He liked that there were two people trying to get his attention. He liked the way Loki acted so sly. He loved Steve's jealousy. 

Loki didn't care too much when they left the room in a hurry. His presence had been established. Steve knew to watch out. Steve knew something happened, or at least the thought of an affair had been planted into his mind. Such thoughts would make him vulnerable and unhinged. It would inevitably cause them to fight, and Bucky would fall right into the palm of Loki's hand.

 

* * *

 

Loki silently made his way back into his own room when he felt his presence was no longer required or wanted. The Captain had friends here. Their loyalty would be to him. It was a wonder to him why no one had spoken of the previous incidents to Steve. (there were more than just the hallway sex. He himself had spoken to Peter and told him of his romantic interest towards Bucky. He made Tony help him print suggestive photos, and everyone else had seem them interact up close during dinner.)

He spoke too soon.

A man by the name of Sam who looked to be a simple man and not an Avenger followed him. He could hear and feel his presence from a mile away. So, when Loki concluded that he must be following him, he turned on his heel and looked him in the eye. Sam immediately became perplexed. He was sure he hadn't made his presence obvious.

He shook the thought and proceeded to get what he came here for.

Sam rebuked him, saying, “You need to get the Hell way from Bucky. I see you. I see the way that you talk to him and flirt with him. I don't know what the hell you want from that guy, but in case you didn't know, he's fucking taken. Stay the fuck away from my friend or else you'll answer to me.”

“So vulgar…” Loki smiled. “I assure you that I have no ill intent.” He kept his composure, and wanted to maintain it, but Loki reminded himself that he was the god of mischief.

With the same danger and playfulness he had before, Loki grinned slyly, “We are merely friends…”

He walked away with a dramatic flip of his hair, his hips swaying with such fierceness that suggested otherwise. He was not being subtle at all. He made no effort to not be scandalous. His little show was all too contentious. 

Sam was not the sole person that wanted to be a compassionate friend. Natasha Romanoff also decided to warn Steve through text about Loki.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll...
> 
> This was kinda messy. Not enough thought process was offered here but it's 2k words and I didn't wanna drone on. I had fun with petty Loki.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Steve contemplates life.

Bucky felt… stupid.

He lay in bed, the back of his head resting under Steve's hairless underarm. He had an unfamiliarly muscular arm holding him in place, its calloused hand stroking his bare, sinewy side.

So this was why Steve had been so sweet. He had been buttering him up because Steve had needs that he wanted to be met. Instead of leaving, which he had originally wanted to, Bucky fell asleep from the exertion. Yeah, Steve was bigger now, but he had always topped. Steve needed something fierce to get off. They were both super soldiers so their endurance was nothing short of impressive. Meaning to say they fucked pretty violently. 

Little did Bucky know that Steve was actually making an effort to regain their closeness. But the sex happened to spite Loki and it really wasn't what Steve had in mind. They had lots of sex before, it was the most they did as a couple. It was usually only lust centric, devoid of all romance. Steve made an effort this time to incorporate lots of kisses...

Steve watched him sleep, a small smile creeping up to his own face. He never ceased to think that Bucky was the most handsome man he had ever seen. But, quite truthfully, Steve preferred Bucky with a smooth baby face. This was the face akin to the one he had watched mature, grow its first mustache, smile, cry, and eventually be the very face he had given his very first chaste kiss to. Bucky without a beard reminded him of when things were simple. When they knew each other and the most trivial quirks and habits. When Bucky had been a meticulously vain stud that turned so many heads, when that same face laughed the way he did - with his whole face lighting up, his eyes harboring every vibrant star in the galaxy, little playful lines dancing across perfect skin, and his nose would crinkle up in that cute way it did… What Steve wouldn't do to have his Bucky smiling that very same way again.

There was a time that they were so helplessly in love that no matter how hard they tried to be ‘normal’ and be with women, they'd always gravitate towards one another unknowingly. At first they both tried to bury their feelings. It wasn't right and the world would turn them away in disgust. But then they realized that none of that mattered. Bucky had Steve just as Steve had Bucky. They grew up together, played together, and struggled together. Steve was Bucky just as much as Bucky was Steve. Their personalities had merged and they had adopted the other's traits. The most fundamental years of their youth were spent hand in hand, practically inseparable. They were together as one against all others.  

Steve just hoped that one day, Bucky would smile again. He longed for the day that Bucky would no longer have to wake up in the middle of the night haunted by all those years that he had been robbed of. He dreamt of having Bucky forgive himself and finally rest. He deserved to rest. He deserved his happiness, even if Bucky thought that he had been tainted.

Steve stroked Bucky's soft cheek, his touch tender as his thumb dances across Bucky's crestfallen face. He wished he could take away his pain and let him be at peace. He feared that Bucky would never be the same again. He was far too broken already.

Steve hated the way Bucky always cast his gaze downwards, shuffling awkwardly whenever anyone else was present. He was stiff. Ashamed. Like he didn't deserve his place in the world. Had it not been for Steve being around, he likely would have eradicated his very existence a long time ago. And when he wasn't cowering, Bucky removed himself from the present, opting out of existence by simply dissociating.

Steve missed his confidence so terribly. One of the things that charmed Steve was Bucky's confident stride, the way he squared his shoulders so surely and had his dimpled chin proudly pointing upwards. Others would view it as arrogance, some might even call him a pompous asshole, but Steve was in awe at the very way he carried himself, sometimes even envious. It's funny how things turned out. Now it was Steve that had to care for Bucky. Now it was Steve that assumed the role of being the stronger of the two. Steve had to be Bucky's crutches and he didn't mind at all, but he definitely missed the past. Life was harder without Bucky doting on his every move. Bucky was his impulse control and also practically his second mother. He knew exactly when Steve needed a pick me up. Bucky had probably been oblivious to Steve's sudden bouts of dispirited moods.

Which was… fine, he supposed. Because Bucky shouldn't be bothered with his thoughts. He didn't need something else to worry about, if he worried at all. Because Bucky never ever bothered asking him about missions? He still hadn't. Did he care?

Of course he did… Bucky always cared, he never stopped, that's why he hadn't killed him when he was supposed to.

He was just despondent. Still moving away from reality. He needed time and sometimes he didn't want to talk. He wasn't uncaring. Still, it made Steve wonder. Some days he didn't know what to think so he doesn't dwell.

One day, all will be well, and Bucky will smile the same way again.

“I love you, Buck,” Steve mumbled, pressing a kiss to Bucky's adorable little nose. And with that, he took a nap too.

 

* * *

 

Loki came into his room early enough to have to listen to at least fifteen minutes of Steve and Bucky fucking.

It easily made him want to kill Steve, but Loki reminded himself each minute that Bucky wasn't actually his. Yeah, it hurt, but for the rest of the day he keeps himself busy.

He had a violin to play and music to learn. Books to read. And cat pictures to look at.

Then, he had a nap to take.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a shit chapter.


	15. Chapter 15

Two months go by, Bucky became isolated again, and neither Bucky nor Loki caught at the very least glimpses of the other's long locks flashing by. 

Bucky heeded the sudden end of Loki's sad serenade of the violin screeching melodically through his walls after about a month of him playing constantly. He thought he'd never tire of it and Bucky took pleasure in the fact that he was doing something productive with his hands, lest she become miserable when not preoccupied. Time spent alone always pulled Bucky into the madness the dark provided. 

Loki's playing stopped so abruptly and it left them with nothing but a wall and silence. Now he had no idea what Loki was doing and it worried him to no end. Loki had told him about his self destructive past. Bucky often felt tempted to reach for his phone and ask Loki how he was.

They missed each other. But Steve clung to him in a way that suffocated Bucky. He was aware now that Steve wanted to restore the relationship, so he refrained from even so much as contacting Loki or looking at him. He became aware, after a while, that Loki deleted Steve's texts. He wasn't mad… but it did make him come to his senses. 

He was wrong to betray Steve. He had built his world around him and either of them had been the others foundation to grow. Steve had wedged into his very existence and molded Bucky just as Bucky did to Steve. Losing him would mean losing a part of himself that he hardly knew he had. Steve was family. Steve was the only one who would love him as unconditionally as he did. He would give up his whole world if it meant being with Bucky. 

It wouldn't be fair to pursue his relationship with Loki. 

So, yes, Loki had been a mistake. He still cared, but he just couldn't bear do that to Steve again. Gradually, the two became a lot more public with their relationship, so it wouldn't make sense to see Loki anymore. Overtime, Steve began taking Bucky out to help him rehabilitate. He usually took him on walks to be familiarized to his surroundings, talking to him whilst Buck traipsed through streets and hallways. Steve wasn't ready to let him out into the world but apparently the god had gotten him to go that extra mile without problems. So, Steve ventured with the weary ex assassin to places that were near enough. He always evaluated how Bucky was doing to try and cater to his needs. He spent so much time trying to psychoanalyze the man and read into all his actions and words. 

Steve brought gifts and pressed kisses to his skin. He fed him, he talked to him, and from time to time Bucky also engaged, but he felt so empty. There wasn't much he could give Steve. 

With Loki, he opened up completely. It just felt so easy to divest himself of his problems and thoughts of others that to someone that just wanted to listen and couldn't judge him because of their connection to the subject. 

Bucky flipped through his pictures, looking through the ones he took of Loki. Steve lay his head on Bucky's sinewy abdomen like a little cat. How did he have the nerve to look at someone else when he has Steve? 

He highlighted every single image. And then his finger hovered over an icon of a little waste bin. Did he really want to throw these away the same way he had thrown Loki away? 

He frowned and hit cancel instead. 

He left the app, only to be face to face with his screensaver. It's that picture of Loki, hair tousled, his cheek turned to the side - angular features sitting prominently - as small smile danced upon his features. 

Bucky sighed.

And Steve turned his head, his face that of concern. Bucky shook his head and Steve looked away, mumbling. “I wish you'd talk to me.”

“There's nothing we need to talk about.” Bucky said coldly. Too coldly. Steve pursed his lips at that and focused his attention to the moving display on the television.

Dinnertime came and the two wordlessly got up. Steve wrapped an arm around Bucky's waist and together they left Bucky's room. As soon as they so much as stepped foot out the door, Loki's door came bursting open and they both stopped to stare. 

The small god was in tears, his eyes pink and puffy. Wet trails curled down his cheekbones and stained his delicate cheeks. At first, she seemed shocked to see them both here, and a million things ran through her mind, the thought process something Bucky could see. 

Bucky's chest sank. He hated this. Part of him blamed himself. He didn't know exactly what brought tears to Loki's eyes but he felt responsible nonetheless.

Loki's eyes flashed with scorn and suddenly he stormed past them, shoving both burly men aside. 

“...Lo?” Bucky called out softly, a swift hand snatching Loki's elbow. Loki yanked himself from his grip and turned so hastily. Loki gave him all but a second of a viscous glare and then Bucky backed away. 

Once he passed a certain distance, Loki scurried instead of angrily striding away. He ran straight into Thor’s arms and sobbed in his chest. He had texted him moments ago about needing to find solace, and Thor offered his arms and his ears to his poor little brother. He was indebted to him after all those years spent neglecting his little heart. Now all they had left was one another. Of course he'd care for Loki. 

The immense hurt in Bucky's eyes was all too clear. Steve just sighed. Of course he'd care. Steve wasn't completely oblivious, he'd seen the bruises and the scabbed over claw marks that ran down Bucky's skin. He just never confronted him about it. 

“Let's go.”   
  


* * *

 

Loki and Thor weren't at the kitchen and they never showed up for dinner. So, it must be bad. Thor always showed up, that gluttonous lil fucker. It worried him to no end. The scalding look Loki had given him was all he needed. Loki blamed him. He hated him. Bucky added his own name to the ever growing list of people that have done Loki wrong.

Bucky retreated to his quarters as soon as he finished his plate. The last thing that the metal armed man wanted was to be in the presence of others. Steve followed suit, ever so clingy. It drove Bucky up the wall and pissed him off to no end, but for the simple reason that he didn't want to talk, he elected not to reprimand Steve. He even went to the lengths of denying the man's existence. Bucky wanted to think and to do that, he shouldn't have company. 

Perched on the swivel chair position in front of Bucky's desk, the brunette glared darkly at one of many blank, dog eared pages within his leatherbound journal. He wished to write of his misplaced rage, his sudden and unexplained frustration, so maybe be can figure out what set him off so much. 

He knew. But it wasn't the answer he was looking for. 

Silence and tension hung over the air in such a way that made Bucky's skin crawl and blood boil with vitriolic rage. To make things worse, Steve began to talk about the past. Again. 

It took everything Bucky had not to punch him square in the jaw so he wouldn't have to listen to him babble on about shit Bucky would never again relate to. Couldn't Steve just let go of the fucking past?? 

“ - We loved to dance, Bucky. We couldn't go to dance halls, but as soon as we had enough money, we bought ourselves a radio using spare change. We didn't have food for two days, we just kept on dancing. You were always so talented. They almost kicked us out for being too loud. - “

Bucky huffed at that. He couldn't even envision himself doing that. Not in the past and especially not now.

“ - Sometimes when it got too late, we took that shabby radio to the parking lot under the building. We'd be tired from work but god, we loved to dance. You looked real good - “

As he kept talking, the more irritated Bucky became. Was he just making this shit up? Why couldn't he just remember? Bucky couldn't stand the stupid look on Steve's face. He had his head stuck so far up his own ass as he talked. Steve's blue eyes sparkled with what Bucky envied and eventually hated: nostalgia. Because no matter how hard Bucky tried, he will never have memories to hold on to. That's why he kept the journal. To jot down whatever fleeting memory assaulted him as of late before all that left his mind like a hazy dream. Because maybe, just maybe, he could peace together who the hell he was meant to be. 

But no. Because when did Bucky ever have his way? He wanted to stick a bullet in his mouth but instead he got Steve. This yapping sap obsessed with bullshit pipe dreams…

Bucky finally snapped, standing up so abruptly that his chair flew out of its place. 

“ **STOP** ** _fucking bringing that shit up!_** I can't fucking stand listening to you talk! I will _never_ be the same! Let go, god damn it!” 

Thus began a strife between the two lovers. 

“WELL YOU'RE NOT TRYING!” Steve yelled right back.

All he ever did was try to remember. Every day he lamented over losing touch of who his family had been and who he was meant to be. The angry brunette fiercely shot daggers his way. “And you think you're helping? I  **_am_ ** trying!” Bucky held up his journal and waggled it to and fro.

“Every fucking day! Every goddamn day, every damn minute, second… I'm trying to figure it out. You aren't helping. All you ever do is whine and complain about a hundred years ago!” 

Back and forth they went, eventually leading up to Bucky screaming the most hurtful, horrendous shit he could think of to Steve. 

“I don't care you who you are or what the hell you've done for me! I didn't want this, I didn't want any of this! I'm sick and tired of you treatin’ me like a fucking mental patient!"

Steven Grant Rogers was  _ pissed _ . And by then, he was yelling all sorts of nasty shit already. 

“ _Because you_ _fucking are!_ ” He screamed, “You're the biggest fucking burden I've ever had! All you ever fucking do is sit on your ass all day and cry about that stupid bitch! I do everything I can for you and you have the _nerve_ to cheat with that bastard!”

Bucky shot out of the room as soon as he spoke of Loki in such a way. He flounce straight into his balcony with his journal in hand. As he marched off, his clunky boots thudded against the floor so hard that things shook enough to clink together with each step. Bucky violently yanked the sliding door shut and sighed. He stood just behind the railing to rest his arms onto the cool metal.

The guilt rushed to him just as quickly as cold air hit him in the face, easily snapping him out of his vitriolic fit. 

Great. 

Steve was all he had left. Steve had been so patient with him… what gave Bucky the right to cut him to the bone? 

But… Steve gave him such a hurtful rebuttal. He said he was a burden. So had everything just been a lie? Certain aspects of life was just too damn hard, love being the most complicated. Did he love Steve? Truly? Or was he just feeling obliged to love him given their past relationship? It behooves Bucky to be romantically involved because he was indebted to Steve. But beyond that? What more? He was just Steve's burden to care for. He was just another piece of memorabilia of a world that had long since abandoned them. 

Bucky sat down, carefully writing of his encounter. It wasn't until an hour later until he saw Loki's light in the corner of his eye. He stood up, shut his notebook, and crept quietly near the edge of his balcony to peep at the god out of curiosity. 

Thor held a small bundle in his arms as he approached the bed with caution. It was Loki, tired and still in tears, but nearing sleep. He'd spent hours attempting to fingers solace in his only family, but to no avail. Thor wished he could take away his guilt and pain, his lonesome, and whatever else that ate at his poor little brother. But he couldn't. They were never particularly close. 

He tucked Loki in bed and left him with a kiss to the temple. 

“Lítt Einn, all is forgiven. Father is proud of you, so is mother, and she loves you so. Even to this day. Brother loves you, too. One day all will be well. Rest, okay?” 

Loki sniveled, his tired eyes unable to keep themselves open for longer. “How can you be certain?”

“Because life hurt you enough. I wasn't there but now I'm here.”

“Will you stay?” Loki tugged his arm, just needing comfort. He couldn't care any less that they were both adults and he shouldn't weep like a baby. Loki couldn't bear to be alone. Specially not now. He was hurting and he needed all the comfort he can get. 

Unfortunately, Thor shook his head. “No, little one. I am sorry.” he tucked Loki in and before he could cry harder, Thor held him a little tighter. “You can keep my blanket for now. You'd like that, yes? Brother has to eat. And bathe, then clean, so much to do. I'll be visiting our people tomorrow. I need to ready my itinerary.”

Loki sniffled. He wanted to protest and guilt Thor into staying, but he was right. He'd kept the man long enough. He had himself to care for and a responsibility to his people. At that moment, Loki was glad he wasn't king. Responsibility wasn't his strong suit and he'd have the worst time trying to get through to the masses at this state. What good of a leader would he be?

Thor caressed Loki's head until he fell asleep. The poor thing continued to cry and there was nothing Thor could do to abolish him. So many people hurt Loki. So many things bothered him. Bucky was one of those things and the big brother wanted to spar with him for breaking his little brothers heart. But what good would come of that? It was trouble. It would not only upset Loki, but also Steve, and then Thor would have enemies and two other people could potentially want to hurt his Loki. Worse, they were at the mercy of these people. Thor would much rather not be kicked out worse comes to worst. 

He sighed and bundled Loki more, soothing his back, but there really was nothing he could do as sobs wracked his entire body. Loki was asleep but peacefulness will not come to him. As much as Thor hated it, he left the room.

Bucky sat there, his hair dancing along with cold gusts of wind, frowning. Loki had told him how he hated nights of such dreary, dismal emptiness. Bucky presumed that such nights must be frequent for Loki once he'd taken his feelings of being unloved into consideration. 

What he wouldn't give to spare Loki from empty beds and poignant nights of drowning in morose thoughts. 


	16. Chapter 16

Bucky went back to bed with Steve last night. He received another banal apology, one that which Bucky disregarded. Steve hardly knew Bucky spurned him and continued on about how he meant none of what he had said. True colors show under pressure. Bucky wasn't about to let what Steve said go. Steve likely already has forgiven Bucky and was ready to continue giving him his all, but Bucky didn't work that way. Not anymore. Still, Steve kept talking.

He had that same dismal look to him, but that look was the pinnacle of Bucky's current state of mind. Bucky gave Steve no response and with a heavy heart, fell right asleep in the middle of Steve's passionate and apologetic sermon.

Steve sighed at his weary state of repose. He felt he'd already lost him.

And, he did, because in spite of all of his efforts, what little amount of small talk they had in the past eventually diminished. Bucky grew cold. The brunette hardly spared Steve a glance.

Every night, ever since the fight, Bucky escaped to hide in their balcony. Steve speculated that he left to avoid having to lay in bed with him for an extended amount of time. He also guessed that he was seeing Loki, yet part of him wanted to hold onto any pretense that Bucky's innocence and love for him was still there. Because the Bucky he knew would never dare hurt him. Much less betray him.

What he didn't know was that his worst fears were happening right under his nose.

Because every night, Bucky slid off the bed at obscure hours to retreat to the balcony. Perhaps he was going through something a lot worse than his nightly ordeals. Who fucking knew. Definitely not Steve. Because that man wouldn't allow him to help. After that whole argument, he wasn't sure how to help. He didn't want to overstep boundaries or piss Bucky off even more.

Every night, Bucky came to watch as Loki cried himself to sleep through the large glass window. He watched as his quivering form eventually tired and gave in to the pull of sleep. There wasn't a single day that Loki hadn't done this.

Bucky sat hidden behind the seat of a large, cushioned wicker chair, staring into the sliding doors that allowed him to view Loki from afar. Safe distance. 

He wanted to know what caused him ache. He wanted nothing more than to wipe his tears and stroke away all the lines of worry creasing his face. He wanted to lull him to sleep, to provide comfort, and not allow him to suffer dark, agonizing hours. Bucky wanted to be there when Loki awoke, just so he wouldn't wake up to invasive, mean thoughts. And instead wake up to a hand stroking his silken black hair and a nice smile.

But what kept him from the strong desire he felt to race to Loki's aid was the man in his own room. He hadn't been loyal before, and fuck, he obviously wasn't if he had second thoughts, but for some reason, something in him felt terrible. Because maybe Bucky hated the care he was being given, but that man back there lost just as much as Bucky did and lived to remember what he lost. Suddenly, learning that everything wasn't over gave him new hope. He had Bucky to hold onto and that's exactly why he stayed at all. Bucky treated the poor guy like shit. He brushed him aside, disregarded him, ignored him, and often angrily pushed him away. All Steve wanted was to love him.

God. Fuck. He couldn't just hurt Steve. He shouldn't be adding to the pain that he's already given the man.

So, after a couple nights of stalking his ex, whom he'd been deleterious to, Bucky clambered into his own bed and held onto Steve.

His respite was cut short, as if he simply weren't allowed to rest. Shortly after he'd drifted off, he found himself coming to.

_ Only this time, there was no room to move, no soft mattress, or warm body. There were no cotton duvets encasing his form and there was no pillow resting beneath his head. This time, he realized with sudden panic and dread, he couldn't move. And there, inches from his face, was a dirty little window he had become way too familiar with in the past. _

_ His cryostasis chamber. _

_ Bucky screamed, every limb in his body fighting to try and break out of the capsule, but no amount of brute strength could make the metallic door budge. He thought he had escaped. He thought he had his freedom. He thought he had fought his way out and he was well on his way to being human again. But as the glass rapidly frosted over, everything he knew told him otherwise. His strength disintegrated and the fight in him became hazy instead of burning fiercely. His struggle became weakened. _

_ He wanted to scream ‘NO’, that they couldn't do this to him anymore because he had won a long time ago. That no, this wasn’t really happening. He wanted to deny this but this was truly what his reality had come to… again. He wanted to shout, maybe even plead if he had to, but he knew all his efforts were futile in this all too familiar ordeal. The hope left him, just as consciousness did. And he'd lost control again. _

_ He fought and fought until he was able to at least bring his mind into consciousness. He couldn't do so much as twitch a muscle or shift his eyes from the pellucid skin almost hanging over them, but he had his thoughts. He would have his thoughts for years, suffering. He would be stuck with his guilt forever until the next time they wanted him to destroy and strike sorrow and fear into the hearts of many. _

_ Bucky was back again, facing the same hell he'd been through. Who knew how long he'd be here for? Another seventy years? Would it be decades or a century? This was hell… _

_ And when this was over, what would he come back to? Everything he had known would be taken from him again. He couldn't say sorry to Steve. He couldn't wipe away Loki's tears. Bucky would never see them again. History would leave him behind once again. _

_ Bucky tried in vain to will himself to move. Twitch a finger, maybe wake himself up, but Bucky had no control over his own body. At the back of his mind, he knew resistance would be futile and defeat was imminent, but he couldn't accept his fate… Choice was completely ripped from him. _

Bucky woke to a start. He woke to Steve hovering over him with concern written all over him while the blonde held Bucky's arms down. His whole body weight sat on Bucky's thighs so he couldn't thrash about.

Steve sadly watched Bucky as the brunette's eyes are blown wide open and his chest heaved almost dramatically. The familiarity of the situation was disconcerting, but part of him didn't think it to be real. His mind still screamed at him, he needed to get the fuck out of here or else. Bucky's thoughts ran rampant, his whole thought process a bedlam of shit ramming around the inside of his skull, berating him with the intense need to leave. On top of it all, his heart thumped violently in his chest. All he could here was the rapid pulse, yet everything was so quiet. 

“Buck?” Steve whispered. He climbed off of the man who immediately wore a cavalier expression, pushing past him with the shake of his head.

He sat up and snatched the ice cold glass of water that he knew Steve had at the bedside table and took large sips. The cold water gushed down his body, the cool feeling of it enough to bring him back to reality. He was safe and sound in one of the most secure facilities possible and around people he knew that would keep him safe. This was the best place he could be. No one would hurt him ever again. Still, he needed to be alone. He needed to be outside. 

“I'm sorry. Go back to sleep. I need some air.”

Fuck, the last thing he needed was for Bucky to be out there. Who fucking knew if the man was stable at all? The last thing he wanted was to see Bucky splayed and splattered on the grass below. He always came to the terrace. What if he inexplicably jumped to his death? Steve gripped his wrist this time, hanging on to the cool metal. His eyes were pleading. “Not again. Come to bed. I don't want you coming out there anymore.”

And of course he was met with a snark glare, one that showed extreme confusion but also angst. 

“Why the fuck not?” Bucky hissed. 

And he wanted an answer, so he got one. “Because you might jump!!” 

Bucky's blue orbs intensified and grew angrier by the millisecond. “Are you fucking kidding me??? I just had a nightmare. I'm freaking out and I want air!!” Bucky yelled into his face. 

Bucky's was screaming and so Steve's natural reaction was to yell right back. “You're not listening!! You're not stable. Get the fuck back to bed!”

Bucky Barnes was in no mood to deal with this. He grabbed Steve and dragged him the hell out of his suite and locked the fucking door with an audible click. He slammed his own back against the wall and shut his eyes. Sighing.

He eventually stilled his breathing enough to stagger into the balcony, silently entering the calm darkness of the night. The wind blew into his room, hitting him square in the chest. It was the kind of cold that felt gentle, but it was cold enough to make the skin surrounding his cybernetic arm hurt. 

Out of the periphery of Bucky's ice cold stare sat Loki. The black haired man sat there, empty eyes wide, white knuckled as he practically hovered over the edge of the cold silver metallic railing that bit into his skin. His feet dangled over multiple stories, the wind threatening to yank him loose and drag him into the great below.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm pretty sure this warrants a trigger warning. So be warned.

Loki's sore and sticky eyes fluttered open to the sight of a dark room and a heavy heart gripping at his chest. A navy blue hue blanketed all of Loki's possessions and the soft rumble of the air conditioner was all Loki had in his presence.

There was no telling as to what time it had been. It could have been dawn just as easily as it could have been dusk. The darkness radiated the same melancholy haze he’d felt before, the atmosphere feeling bleak and morose. It didn't matter anymore. Nothing did. He could while away entire centuries and he still wouldn't have a care. Everything hurt and he hadn't left his bed in days. FRIDAY was on the verge of calling for help. He hadn't eaten, he slept at odd hours, and sat in his showers until he, the Frostgiant, grew sick. He could only faintly recall a time where his eyes weren't puffy from crying and his cheeks stayed dry.

Loki remembered all at once his awful plight and all those he had failed and those who failed him. Just as easily, he resumed what he'd been doing several hours before. With a weak sniffle, his mind flooded with memories of the past. Father never saw him, he resented him. He poisoned his mind with hate towards his own, and Loki was fool enough to believe in his every word. And then, by some cruel twist of fate, perhaps karma, he'd learn he was one of those he had regarded with such hatred and disgust. Father's discrimination was abhorrent enough, but once Loki knew, he saw himself the same way he saw those ‘monsters.’ Unfit to live.

And he was, wasn't he?

He'd been abandoned. That was his fate. But dying alone as an infant was too sweet of a destiny, and instead he'd been stolen and raised to suffer, unloved, unseen, and living a lie for a whole millenia.

But then someone did love him. The woman whom he recognized as a mother bathed him, clothed him, raised him, and above all loved him unconditionally just as a mother should. She might have not been his biological mother, but she was the best mother any fool could be gifted with. She took Loki in as her own.

And his final words to her were not those of gratitude and love. No, he shunned her after all she had done for him.

With a weak whimper, Loki went back to sobbing relentlessly.

It seemed to last for hours. It seemed to last for days. All Loki could think of was how he'd taken her for granted all these years and how maybe, just maybe, had it not been for him she'd still be here. What he wouldn't give to have her near.

He missed her loving embrace, her counsel, and the way she reminded him day to day that he was special and loved. All he wanted was to apologize for the years he'd forsaken her and tell her, look mother, I'm trying to change. I'm trying to be better. She would be immensely proud. He hoped the thought never once came to her mind that she had failed as a mother. She'd done all she could…

After hours, Loki lay in his bed between soft duvets like a shallow grave, his eyes empty and lifeless. He sat motionless with a semi permanent stickiness to his blue eyes. Long, black eyelashes clumped together from all of the tears that he had cried. Empty. Just empty. There was nothing left of him. His soul was far too broke to be salvageable. Loki thought this as his unfocused eyes cast down on a stark white wrist that was his own. Soft trails of blue veins slithered upwards into his rose colored palm, and just beneath it sat a small slightly raised line of white surrounded by a similar pink. His scar was large and glaring, one of many that littered his body, but this was most prominent. It was only by some miracle  that mother had found him bleeding profusely in his bath. He had to explain and ultimately vow to her not to do that again. It shattered him to see her cry. Her boy had become umhappy enough to attempt to take his own life. She felt largely at fault, that he knew, and her heartbreak left him to suffer for years. The large emblem of his utter failure peeked out from beneath soft, olive green sleeves. He only wished he'd succeeded in taking his own life long ago, but he couldn't. 

Suddenly, the empty silence broke to the sound of violent screams and unmistakable struggling. The loud guttural pleas consisted of a concoction of ‘NO’ and ‘PLEASE.’ Occasionally, the bellowing voice blurted an ornery growl of “LET ME GO.”

Loki's eyes focused and he listened well. A painful pang in his chest told him immediately that this had to be Loki's James undergoing another one of his infamous night terrors. Loki remembered with a sad sigh that Bucky's mind never generated new fears… it just forced him to continue reliving the past that he tried so hard to leave behind. And he was beating it, one step at a time. That's what Bucky told him.

But they both knew that the past caught up as they ran faster.

Loki sat up and vacated his bed, tiptoeing barefoot towards his balcony. A slender, pallid and veiny hand gently slid the glass door open, his movement unsure and airy. Vacant. He felt like a silent movie. He was seeing everything through glass eyes and his movements felt foreign even to himself. Despite this, he made it out, and he rested his forearms upon the silver rod lining the glass railing. Loki's soft curls blew in the same direction as the wind, which was cold and hard and made the wet trails on his cheeks bite harshly into his skin. It stung his eyes, and for a second he wondered why considering his heritage. Loki was of Jotunheim, but the only home he recalled and knew was Asgard.

This new home was nothing compared to Asgard. Back home, his terraces had strong, thick and detailed stone rails with marvelous columns twisting upwards toward decorative arches that framed the view of the golden city. Through which he leaned over and rested his arms there as he did now, and sometimes he sat on the stone to gaze into the pellucid waters that had once shown him sharp, jagged mountains and the fascinating structures that stood on land that could be his. At various points in his life, he sat on his balcony reading, dreaming, and in awe at the sight bestowed upon him. He grew up with such beauty and not once did he fail to regard it with such admiration. His innocent dreaming turned into a burning need, then hatred for all he had, and suddenly after years evolved into an overwhelming feeling of alienation that he didn't know he had.

And now there was no scenic view to ogle. No home to hate. No more sordid plans left to fulfill. He wasn’t the bastard son, the villain, or the prince. He was reminded, again, that everything that he had come to know was gone. And there he was, all wrapped up in sweet attrition, pitiful, another weakling that shouldn't have a place in the universe. Just as he had said, if he truly were for the axe, then for mercy’s sake, just swing it.

Existence hurt, and life was but a recurring nightmare. Nothing in life provided continuity asides from the pain that life itself provided.

What was the point? Loki asked himself as he found himself hauling his body up. He mounted the seemingly frail wall between himself and possible death with such impetuousness that easily suggested he didn't have a care at all whether or not he fell to his death. It would be unceremonious, but it would certainly be better than having to decide if he sincerely desired the warm embrace of death herself.

He didn't fall, however, but instead managed to plop himself down. He was hanging on by the pinky as his absent stare landed onto his slender, pale feet. They dangled daintily high above ground and ached a little as the cold air blew onto them. Just over his feet, he could see just how far down the drop was. Would it be enough to kill him? Or would he be found the next day lying there, broken, and he'd have to explain to his sobbing brother why he'd tried to leave him for the umpteenth time. Loki sat there, outweighing his options, barely hanging on by the pinky. At the back of his mind, he hoped to slip.

There was one thing that he had left, and this was his brother. They were not bound by blood, but their bond was even stronger. Thor loved him as if he truly were his own, and not once did he deny their closeness even with the knowledge of Loki's identity. Because that was love. There was somebody out there that loved Loki, and damn it, he didn't want to fail him again.

Again… because he'd already done it countless times. Because that's right. Maybe being born of Jotunheim didn't equate to his malevolence, but he became a villain in the end. He took lives, more than he could count. He was tainted, impure, a monster. He'd caused so much ruin.

Loki was unworthy of happiness, be it ever so fleeting. He didn't deserve to take another breath… He was born to die every day.

Loki released his grip, one hand at a time…

“Lo!” Bucky gasped so suddenly. All the fear, panic, and dread left Bucky, only to be renewed and replaced with a flurry of emotions. He was wide eyed, but no longer angry. In his eyes were fear, sadness, and concern.

Loki snapped his head to the side, his knuckles growing white and his palms began to sweat. Bucky's expression drooped as they came eye to eye - Loki's eyes were deep set, dead, with dark rings of weariness hanging below his absent gaze.

Oh? This bothered him? He wanted to shove off right then. Just to see the way Bucky's face would change as Loki plummeted into the fast approaching ground and landed with crunching bones and in a pool of his own crimson liquid.

But instead, he gripped tighter, and he became aware of his actions so suddenly.

 _Oh, gods_.

How could he even begin to _think_ such things? He had vowed to mother not to try again. He wanted to honor his promise... maybe that way he could restore her trust in him. 

Loki gasped, and his eyes became more aware, less absent, and quickly became apologetic. Bucky quickly jumped over the barrier to get to Loki. Before Loki knew it, he was in Bucky's arms being pulled onto solid ground. And then, he was in the man's lap and was being cradled. Loki's eyes found Bucky's, and his lip began to quiver uncontrollably.

Where were you? Why have you abandoned me? You used me! I missed you, I cried, and you were never there. You lied to me.

No words escaped his lips, only a soft squeak and then a sob. Bucky knew exactly what Loki must have been feeling, because his next words were, “I'm sorry… I'm so sorry. I'm here.”

Loki couldn't hold back as a torrent of tears attacked him, and neither could he suppress his sniveling. Bucky was there to comfort him, to hold him, until Loki relented.

“Y-you were scr-screamin?” Loki asked brokenly through choked sobs.

Bucky nodded as he held Loki tight. “Another nightmare.”

“Where were you?” Asked Loki, pertaining his dream.

Bucky began to stroke Loki's skin, just as the Jotun traced his fingers over the ridges on Bucky's metal arm. It never really seemed to sink in to Loki that Bucky was unable to feel his ministrations but the brunette appreciated the sentiment nonetheless. “I was trapped… they took me again. And they had me back in that cell, and I tried to fight, I really did… I couldn't.”

“But you're back now. Not a single soul will ever lay a hand on you again.”

The two conversed for a while beneath the mask of darkness that stretched for miles.  The lonely night becoming less threatening for either two. They both knew full well that sleep wouldn’t come to them soon, so there they sat on a single wicker chair. Again, they connected, with their souls hanging on to one another whispering “I know.” And I understand your pain. They confided in one another as though they had known each other for an eternity.

Bucky had seen Loki suffer. He'd seen him cry the whole night through. He'd seen him cry for days and days. The most he could do was ease him through his words, providing him what he hadn't ever experienced. Empathy. Because Bucky understood what he felt, just as Loki did.

And Loki consoled Bucky with the knowledge that yes, he could kick and scream, he could struggle now, and he wasn't trapped anymore. Nothing he’d done was for naught and all his efforts to fight weren’t in vain. Everything he wished to do in his dream, he could do. It had all been a nightmare, and when he'd wake up, he'd be home. Loki reassured him that next time, he would wake up in bed, tucked in beneath soft sheets, and surrounded by people that would help. Because they had each other.

Talking to each other just made them feel light. There was no pressure to communicate and even silence felt comfortable between them. As they watched the dark blue sky reveal lighter blues, Loki nestled into Bucky, his sore eyes slowly becoming heavy. The conversation between them grew silent and tired as they both held each other closer. Loki breathed in Bucky's scent in deep drags just to savor every second of his presence. The smaller man had his whole body pressed to the man's muscular form like a puzzle piece. He listened intently to the sound of Bucky's beating heart and the rise and fall of his chest.

Both of their eyes watched as the horizon reddened slightly, and eventually the sky rose a golden ball that spread its yellow rays into the sky. As the sky turned pink, Bucky carried Loki inside and into bed.

The two fell fast asleep in each other's arms.

The next time Bucky would ever have a nightmare, he would remember this night. And he would be able to escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bucky & Loki will have a talk later. Ahem. Why the fuck did this ass hat leave Loki??? Loki shall find out.


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shitty chapter me thinks. I had writers block for days.

Steve sighed and meticulously ran a hand through his golden locks. Bucky disappeared from his view and for a while, Steve watched closely, just to get a good glimpse, but he seriously couldn't see him. He never heard a thud so it was safe to assume that Bucky hadn't leapt to his death. So that meant…

Steve was left enraged. He climbed into bed and tried to go back to sleep, but he couldn't. He knew exactly where Bucky could have gone.

Contrary to what Steve may think, nothing scandalous occurred between the two. Their meeting had been chaste yet meaningful, likely vital to both their psyche.

Bucky felt a lot better by the time both woke up around midday, and so did Loki. The raven haired lady took a quick shower and fixed them both up a nice plate of breakfast foods. She couldn't believe she was this close to self immolation because she felt herself to be unloved. Alone. Yet there she was, waking up in his warmth and making food for the man she so desired, just as she had dreamt of doing. Those ill feelings had left her for the time being, and she felt mellow, but in slightly disbelief and shock. She could have easily woken up in a sterile room with bandages and casts holding her battered body in place. A fall like that would never kill her but it would succeed in hurting her.

After that night, Loki was given reaffirmation that Bucky did care... yet he still hasn't spoken to her about…  _ them.  _ It was indeed a touchy subject that Loki would much rather defer. And while she was sure Bucky shared her concerns and would gladly engage in conversation, she wasn't sure exactly how to bring it up. She could potentially allude to the topic until Bucky understood what Loki wanted of him. But she didn't know how (suddenly) and the silvertongue felt all of her confidence leave her. Speaking to Bucky had never been a daunting task before.

So while Bucky relaxed, Loki cooked, and pondered whatever her next move could be as the delectable smell of bacon wafted throughout her suite. Loki had no ideas.

Thankfully, it was him who brought it up first. He began with an apology.

Bucky had his hair in dark locks that clung together from being damp. He only wore sweatpants and an undershirt, but in Loki's eyes, the man looked as dashing as ever. As he sat down on the barstool next to the island, Loki prepared for the worst. Both tortured souls seemed to have a million words waiting to slip between their lips. He caught Loki just in time to watch her pile crisp bacon strips onto two plates. They were de-greased and stiff, but also crunchy.

“Loki, I'm sorry. I should have talked to you… I didn't mean to hurt you. Somewhere along the line, I realized Steve deserved better. He saved me. He was my best friend. And seeing you just wasn't fair.”

“I shouldn't have cut you off. I hurt you and I'm sorry.”

Loki listened to him speak, pausing. Her hand hung in air, clutching a pair of tongs with four pieces of bacon between the metal. “But?”

“I honestly thought that I'd be doing everybody a favor by letting you go. I freaked out, okay? Being with you made me realize that maybe the love for Steve left me decades ago. I love you, and maybe you'll bring me to leave a man I'm so indebted to. And I'm so confused. This is hurting you both…”

Bucky had his eyes cast downwards as he spoke. Upon seeing the way Loki stopped, her eyes wide open and hoping for the worst, Bucky could no longer look her in the eye.

Loki sighed and placed extra strips onto Bucky's plate. She slipped it before him and the porcelain clinked against the cold counter.

“If a choice has to be made… if you've even considered prolonging such infidelity… then perhaps it is time to let go.” Loki said quietly. She wasn't trying to persuade him to come to her, honest, she was merely being perceptive. It had been made clear to her that the only feelings Bucky had for Steve had been empathic and remorseful.

“I need time to think… I just need time.” Frowned Bucky. “It's not fair that both of you are caught up in this. I don't know what to do.”

Loki took a seat across from the man, laying her pale hand down onto the other’s metallic limb. “Take your time… But I advise you to look not into the past. Maybe, your relationship with the captain can be mended. It will hurt me, but I just want you to be where you are happiest. And if your happiness is with me, then I assure you, I will be the light of your life.”

And yeah, it's gotta hurt. Loki wanted nothing more than to have Bucky's love. She had nothing. No one. And then there came Bucky who gave her a shoulder to cry on and the warmth she found within his arms. But Bucky was not hers to keep. He was already involved in a pre-existing relationship when she had met him. As much as she wanted to scream ‘ _ PICK ME’ _ , she knew she had no right to have a hand in manipulating his choice. Loki picked at her left hand subconsciously as she stared at her plate. She had bacon, eggs, and sausage just as Bucky had. She lost her appetite. If his happiness depended on her misery and solitude, she'd much rather wait until her time came to either find love or achieve the obsolete joy of utter emptiness and apathy. That was a bit rash, but she had always had a flair for the dramatic.

“I'm sorry, Loki…” Bucky sighed. She was a tortured soul long before he'd given her the misfortune of coming across his deleterious presence. Now she suffered because of him. He never fucking thinks. “You deserve so much more.”

It was indisputable. Therefore, Loki couldn't argue.

The two picked at their food in silence. Bucky washed the dishes after.

“I want you to know that my feelings are still true. I care about you so much. Maybe I can't be here for you romantically, but know that I'm here as a friend. You don't have to do this alone.”

Bucky's own words ignited something in him. Suddenly, Bucky was back in Brooklyn again, just after Aunt Sarah's funeral. He was with Steve, wiry and with a long, slender face. A pair of sad blue eyes looked to his own to try and convince Bucky that he was all right, and Bucky was telling him the exact same thing: he doesn't have to do this alone. 

And he let Steve into his life permanently with that very same promise.

It made everything feel even more of a mistake. Loki's sad, vibrant green orbs peeked through a curtain of soft black hair. It to OK everything in her to keep her voice from breaking. “I-it's all right, James. I can manage. If you choose him, I'll accept it. I won't force myself on you.” Every word made her want to cry. She knew she couldn't accept it. She knew she needed Bucky, a new hope, a new reason to be alive. She needed his care and love. Loki was bound to fall apart the minute he made his choice.

“Loki, this isn't goodbye… I'm still here for you. Call me. I'm here.” Bucky cupped Loki's face. “I want you to promise me you'll never do that again.”

Loki broke down into tears.

Fucking hell. Loki was the obvious choice. Steve was strong now. He wasn't sickly. He didn't need help. Loki was there and he needed Bucky the most.

Bucky spent some time consoling Loki and reminding him that all wasn't lost. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll I'm looking for new rp partners pls hmu ty


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What happens when (justifiable) insecurity meets anger and hysteria?

The next time Steve saw Bucky, he rushed into him and shoved the brunette hard into the wall. His blue eyes had darkened with rage but around them sat a puffy ring of pink.

“Where the fuck have you been?” Steve spat, every word punctuated by a slight shove. Bucky’s eyes were wide like saucers. He’d never known Steve to be aggressive. And this in itself was new to the blonde, driven by a full night alone in his thoughts. Their faces were mere inches apart. Steve's hot breath blew upon Bucky's skin like an angry dragon billowing smoke from his flared nostrils. 

They both knew  _ exactly  _ what the answer to this question was. 

The brunette had no plans to discuss the matter. After all, he’d done nothing wrong. He fucking saved a life. He fucking got himself some help, too. That wasn’t so bad now, was it? And who the fuck cares? Bucky wasn't his ward. He could do shit without the need for Steve's permission. He doesn't give a single shit about whatever Steve wanted to make him do. Why listen to a man that never obeyed a single rule? As far as Bucky knew, the man disregarded every stringent regulation he was meant to abide by because Steve just  _ had  _ to get his way. Bucky shoved Steve right off of himself. He wasn't going to let him boss him around anymore. 

In truth, his judgement was bullshit, and Bucky was utterly askew. He hadn't at all taken into consideration how things may look to Steve and was very quick to defend himself and shift the blame. Nevertheless, Bucky continued exactly what he was doing, pushing Steve away to yell, “Get your fucking hands off me, man!’

“It doesn't matter where the hell I've been! It shouldn't concern you. I don't need to be babysat! You're so fucking clingy it's aggravating.”

Steve turned red immediate at the sheer preposterousness of Bucky's words. “You were  _ cheating  _ on me. I have every mother fucking right to want a fucking explanation!” 

He would have cried but he was so absurdly infuriated. How fucking dare he. Steve suffered all night thanks to him. Because he cared. Because he fucking loved him. Was it too much for him to realize that? Was it too much for Bucky to maintain the sanctity of their relationship? 

“Except I  wasn't !” Yelled the metal armed man. It was his turn to push Steve into a wall now. He gripped the man's collar and rammed him into the wood before bolting away to retreat to his own room. Steve followed suit, stomping practically as he stopped the door from slamming and pushed right through the doorway.

“And you really expect me to believe that? I've seen the way you look at each other! He acts like a complete giddy fucking slut!”

Bucky huffed as soon as he realized that Steve had made it in. Fucking parasitic clingy fuck. He wanted nothing to do with him. He was in no mood to argue. “Well maybe it's because it's refreshing to talk to somebody that doesn't treat me like a goddamn basket case!” 

“ _ Stop  _ trying to act like that's what I meant! That's not the issue here. We're talking about how you're hip deep in that dumb bitch! You're lying and cheating on me!” 

Bucky growled, very adamant to maintain the lie he wanted to instill in Steve. He  _ didn't  _ cheat. Not that night anyhow. So there was some truth to it. 

“Don't call her a fucking slut! You don't know her. And n o t h i n g happened between us. Do I have to spell it out for you? Do you really think that after I flipped my shit, I'm just gonna go ahead and fuck my friend?” 

Steve rolled his eyes and crossed his arms over his broad chest, the muscles in his upper arms flexing as he does so. Thick veins peeking from his sleeve ran from his creamy skin all the way up to the back of his hand in river-like trails. “Then why the hell were you with him?” He asked this defeatedly as if having resigned from argument. 

Bucky calmed upon seeing Steve's features mellow slightly. In Steve's eyes was a challenging glare but also a small glint of sadness. It suddenly became apparent to the Captain why Bucky had left: he didn't want to talk to him. It was hard to talk to him. Bucky said he didn't like the way Steve regarded him.

But why would he come to Loki? Why would Loki, of all people, be anyone's first choice to confide in? And why would Loki even speak to Bucky? Obviously there had to be something at play here. What the fuck would a supervillain with glaring panache want with a brain washed, trained, and highly skilled assassin? Bucky was vulnerable. Easy. 

Seeing Steve calm prompted Bucky to provide the blonde a proper answer as he rationalized his lover's contentious interest in the newcomer. “Because she's my friend. And she needs me, too.”

Steve snapped. That's exactly what Loki would want him to think. 

There they were, screaming at each other again all because Steve was under the impression that Loki wanted to utilize Bucky's unused and hopefully long forgotten skill set for some sort of deviant plan. 

“THAT'S  BULLSHIT . Loki doesn't care about you! He's baiting you. What the hell could he possibly want to do with someone like you?”

Bucky's eyes grew wide with shock. Did he really just say that? Did Steve even love him? Why would he say that? 

“You're a fucking murderer for God's sake. That's what you both are! He's only talking to you because he's got some sort of fucking agenda. He's going to weaponize you, Bucky! Can't you see that? What business do you have talking to him anyway? For all I know you're both getting ready to kill us all.” 

By then, Bucky's confusion and bewilderment morphed into anger. It became clear that Steve had struck a nerve. His face became red hot and tears stung his eyes. Hot tears streamed down his face. He never ever wanted what happened to him. He had no control over himself. He had to live with guilt that ate away at what was left of him and the memories of seeing through looking glass whilst his own hand slaughtered so many people. There was nothing he could do to stop himself. He became a slave of the very same people he hated and wanted to fight. Yet there he was, killing under their name for their cause. He could never live with himself. Even if he didn't want to do any of it. What's more was the heavy weight on his left side that gave him a constant reminder of what he'd done throughout these years. That he could perhaps tolerate and try to cope with,  But for Steve to remind him of his past..? 

“GET THE FUCK OUT! HOW DARE YOU CALL ME THAT! I'M NOT A MONSTER, THAT WASN'T ME! IT WAS NEVER ME! YOU KNOW DAMN WELL WHAT HAPPENED. AND YOU DON'T KNOW EVERYTHING, STEVE! BECAUSE UNLIKE YOU, LOKI WOULD NEVER EVER TALK TO ME LIKE YOU DO!” 

“Just look at yourself!” Steve hissed. “Calm the fuck down. You're unstable. Don't let him get to you.” 

With hindsight, perhaps he should have chosen his words carefully, because Bucky was  _ pissed.  _ As he spoke, the brunette's hands began shaking. 

They went on back and forth, Steve's argument going from ‘Loki will manipulate you’ to sobbing over ‘if you wanted to talk, why him’ and then screaming ‘you're cheating on me!! You don't love me anymore!’ Additionally, Steve sobbed over his insecurities. Steve spent too much time in his thoughts. 

Steve also cried over something about, "If you loved me, why can't you trust me enough to talk to me? You never talk to me anymore, why would you go to him? Am I just not enough for you? Is that it? Am I that terrible that you gotta fuck off and cheat to talk to someone? Because I'm right here and I love you!"

The other's counter argument was something along the lines of ‘She's just my friend!’ or ‘You're an asshole!’ or 'If you really loved me, you'd show it!'

And eventually escalated to, “YOU BETTER STOP TALKING TO LOKI. FROM NOW ON YOU'RE STAYING WITH ME IN MY FUCKING ROOM!” 

Which garnered a response as ornery as, “YOU’RE A PSYCHOTIC CONTROL FREAK! I TOLD YOU I AIN'T YOUR FUCKING PET, YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME!” 

And all in all, it led to Bucky kicking Steve out of his room indefinitely. 

Of course, Loki overheard (and memorized per verbatim) the uproar of their altercation from her room. She had a feeling she would be seeing Bucky later. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not exactly proud of this chapter. Or this story. 
> 
> This is what you get when you cross a man holding onto the past while suffering through all sorts of shit and the consequences of a fruitless sacrifice, a war weary tainted man who just wanted his god damn plums and to have a gay ass time but instead got tortured for decades, and a greasy twink with daddy issues, extreme depression, and a penchant for mischief. 
> 
> Obviously, it's not going to end too damn well. Specially when such characters ALSO have to deal with a fucking love affair.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya'll aren't gonna like me for this chapter lmaooo

Steve left Bucky's room red faced with shiny trails running down his face. 

He didn't know what to think anymore. 

As he left the room, his anger towards Bucky faded, and as he neared his own, a new wave of tears struck him.

Guilt came rushing into him like trying to catch freight train with his hands. Steve hurt Bucky. He knew that. He said things he'd never even once dreamt of saying, things that made him feel so  _ dirty.  _ He knew Bucky down to his very core - not once did it ever cross his mind how badly this would destroy him. Steve just completely invalidated everything Bucky had done to recover and trampled it into the dirt. Instead of being proud of his growth, Steve became selfish. Shit, he had a new friend finally. He was opening up to someone other than him. Steve supposed that had to be a good thing. Yeah, normal people had friends, made connections, he should be happy Bucky found that. 

But why not through Steve himself? 

He asked this as he made his way into the confines of his dark suite. The door clicked shut behind the broad shouldered man and his feet silently thumped against the floor, muffled by the teal fleece carpet. The king sized bed crinkled and dipped as he sat down with a sigh. 

He really hadn't been good to Bucky. He hadn't made it easy to be spoken to or else he over analyzed everything Bucky would say. All he wanted to do was protect him now that he was the one meant to care for Bucky. But he'd stunted his growth. Said all kinds of shit that made Steve ache just as he thought about it. Bucky would never do that to him… What kind of lover was he? 

He could only imagine what Bucky was doing. How he felt. It made his heart skip a hollow beat. How insignificant and how Bucky felt stuck, probably. That was because of Steve. If he had to guess, Steve knew that his lover was hurting because of all the pain his own hands have brought. Those flashbacks must be killing him now.

All because of Steve.

Steve, who was meant to be his best friend, his lover, his protector, the one who knew him most, had driven a knife into his heart and twisted it around to make a gnarly hole. Steve ripped up Bucky's heart. 

All he could do now was wallow in self pity. He didn't want to hurt Bucky. There was no way to possibly explain himself.. 

He'd made a promise to protect him but in turn wound up being the one who would cause him pain. 

A small sniffle resounded in the otherwise empty room, seeming to bounce off the walls to further emphasize just how alone Steve was. Back in the day, things were never quiet. Bucky always talked to him. His charming laugh echoed throughout the small decrepit unit they housed. There was always music and life was magical even through times they had to salt their rice because that was all they could eat. The hardest times were the best times. Life was a fucking paradox. Steve had it all before he turned into who he did… He dreamt of this life since he was a scrawny, bullied kid in Brooklyn. And he came to him, but at a price. Because now, the love of his life wasn't anymore. 

Maybe that was a good thing. Fuck, he'd seen the bruises. He'd seen the claw marks and the hickeys. He'd seen the way they'd looked at each other. Bucky didn't give him that anymore. Bucky was probably happy with that son of a bitch Loki. He or she or whatever the hell Bucky thought she was gave and received the love that Steve didn't have anymore. There was no way in hell Bucky wasn't personally going behind his back to see her. She's got to mean a lot for Bucky to do that… 

But it wasn't fair. He'd grown up with Bucky. That was  _ his  _ Bucky. The one he'd played with, the one who was his protector and caretaker, the one who he'd once loved wholeheartedly. He'd seen that face grow and mature with his own two eyes. He'd seen the way Bucky became Bucky. And he'd been the one to witness his downfall. He'd been the one to pull him back. What the hell has Loki ever done for him? Given him sex?

But it wasn't… about Loki. No. This was about how God awful Steve was that Bucky had to seek comfort elsewhere. He had a lover. Yeah. But Bucky couldn't even do something as little as  _ talking  _ to Steve. Like Bucky told him, he treated the man like a fucking basket case. 

Steve's hand hovered in the air momentarily, plucking a worn down, dog eared image with random splotches of circular brown spots, yellowed with age, and framed in an antique plastic. It was a formal shot of them both, the muscles on their face evidently straining to maintain a smile. They had been in their twenties at the time, just barely understanding the feelings that had been implanted into their hearts and grown into something beautiful. 

They were merely friends here, but Steve remembered Bucky's soft, loving eyes, carefree and ready to give Steve his all and more. He missed him. He wished he was back and he wished he hadn't hurt his lover. But he did. Steve blamed Bucky for something completely out of his control. He called him a monster despite the fact that it had been the monsters who broke his will and erased everything he was. They robbed him of his memories and stripped him of his identity… None of that was his Bucky. Yet he was the one to suffer through penance and carry the weight of the evil deeds that he did not commit. The very last thing Steve should ever, ever do was to rub all of that in his face. None of that was Bucky's fault… 

He wasn't a freak for his PTSD. He wasn't a basket case. He should not have been looked down on whenever he had a panic attack. Steve should never have treated Bucky any different for the times he recalled the gruesome details of his past… 

Steve could never take back the words he had just said. But fuck, he wasn't going to lose Bucky. He promised him he would try. Actually try. He was going to change for the better. Steve vowed he was going to become the person that Bucky had needed and hoped he would be.

 

* * *

 

Bucky spent hours in his room, trying to come to terms with what had just occurred between them. He was certain that Loki heard. But at that moment, he doesn't dwell on  _ that _ too much… 

Instead, Bucky contemplated Steve's words, twisting and turning them, trying to make sense of it all. He understood he'd made a mistake… He really shouldn't have cheated on Steve. He cared. It broke Steve. He could see that. And that was probably why he was able to say those things to make him suffer in the pit of misery that was his own mind. Just as he'd made Steve feel. It still didn't justify what he'd said, but…

It also doesn't justify how Bucky purposefully disregarded their relationship in favor of having a romantic escapade with a person he literally just met. And then lied in front of Steve's face about it. Yeah, it wasn't right, and Bucky wanted to apologize. 

Six hours into moping, his phone finally beeped. It was (unsurprisingly) none other than Loki with a written letter saying, “I do hope your mind has not fallen into self-attrition. Please do not take to heart all that Steve had told you. You are not a monster.”

Bucky read this all, and he knew it made sense, he'd told this to himself a few hours prior. “Yeah, guess not. But that's not what's bothering me. I think he and I both deserve an apology.”   
  


* * *

 

Later that evening, his door creaked open and in came a silhouette he'd memorized all too well. Dim yellow light from the hallway flooded Bucky's otherwise dark room. It hurt Bucky's eyes, so he looked away and nuzzled back into bed. 

Steve took notice of this, watching as the other figure shifted and the blankets seemed to shorten. “Buck…”

“I just want to talk.” 

Bucky listened to Steve's footsteps as they drew near, a pattern which he'd recognized and memorized simply out of skepticism and watchfulness early on in their time among each other's presence. His eyes adjusted to the once invasive source of light. Thus, he flickered his lamp on. 

Steve stood by the edge of the bed and Bucky sat up, motioning him to come near. 

“Bucky… I'm sorry. You're not a - “

The elder of the two cut him off abruptly, “ - Monster. I know. Even if you didn't mean it, it doesn't bother me anymore what people think of me. I'm used to that way people glare at me. I'm used to the way they watch me when they think I'm not paying attention. I can live with the way people flinch when they see me. So it doesn't bother me anymore what you think or what anyone else thinks…” At first, his voice was sharp and spiteful, but gradually grew softer. 

“I know and it shouldn't have to be like that.”

“But it is. Even you treat me different.” Always watching. Always on guard. Always reading into everything he was about to do. As if at any given moment, he could turn into the Winter Soldier again. As if Bucky was still HYDRA’s asset and he was solely here to gather intel and then the Avengers would cease to exist. But Bucky _wasn't._ And everybody forgot that he had beaten their programming. Even if what was left of him was a broken shell of a man, a miniscule fragment of who he had been, he was himself again. And no one was ever going to understand that because of his troublesome past. He was fucking subhuman. The housed two other assassins, a man with severe anger issues who could turn into a literal monster without a moments notice, and a witch who had worked alongside HYDRA and had once gone up against the Avengers. Yet they were the ones treating Bucky with so much scrutiny. It was hypocrisy at its finest. 

Steve sighed and sat at the edge of the bed. “I'm sorry… there's no way two words are going to bring back everything I've done and haven't done. You deserve so much better…” 

“I do.”

He's heard these words before. Typical. There was nothing profound being offered to Bucky. 

“ - I’m supposed to give you my unwavering devotion… I love you, still, Bucky. That will never change.” Bucky turned to Steve, expressionless and laconic. 

“I want to try again. I want to be here for you and aid you in your recovery. It's the least you deserve. I'm not going to stop you from doing anything…’ 

Tuh. Bullshit. Steve would much rather keep him in a room and ensure his alterego doesn't pay a visit or he winds up freaking out and hurting some unlucky bastard. And, he wasn't going to let him have a friend either. “Except for seeing Loki.”

Steve paused, but he didn't seem phased. “It's not appropriate…” he began. 

Bucky clapped his hands together. Which Steve never understood HOW but Bucky doesn't flinch when his palm hits the hard metal and makes that weird ass clang. “There it fucking is!” 

“... You cheated on me.”

He  _ was  _ calm. “I didn't fucking cheat!” he snarled. Steve looked away in contempt, sadness, and then he sighed again. 

“Please don't lie to me.” Steve pleaded. He was all too aware that something happened between them. It had been indisputable. 

Bucky's features softened. He did say early on that Steve deserved the truth. It was the least Bucky could do. Their relationship may have been dysfunctional, but they were still in a relationship nonetheless. Steve didn't deserve disloyalty. 

“We had sex a few times… yeah. But we're just friends now. Now I'm being honest. I'm sorry I lied. But I guess we both fucked up.” 

Steve sighed and finally laid in bed with him. “Thank you for telling me the truth…” 

Bucky just nodded and threw his blanket over Steve, too. Their eyes met, finally, blue on blue. One an abyss in an ocean, and another a pool of blue and green flecks. “I'm not going to stop you from seeing him.” Steve mumbled softly. 

“I won't stop you from doing anything. I'm here to help you. Not hurt you. I won't stop you from healing.”

 

* * *

  
  


Steve shook Bucky awake. “Come on, Buck.” 

The messy haired super soldier groaned in response and immediately shielded his eyes. Light that crept into the room through his window caught the glint of his metallic limb, and immediately blinded Steve. 

It was his turn to groan. But this wasn't new. He walked off and shut the blinds to resume tugging at Bucky without suffering permanent blindness. 

“Come with me. Let's go home. I wanna go to Brooklyn.”

Bucky looked to him, too groggy to fully process this. He was barely awake and he was being hit with, well,  _ that. _

“...Hnnnmm?” is all he could muster. Steve kissed his sleepy little face. “Let's go…” 

 

* * *

  
  


“You're serious?” Bucky's eyebrows knitted together, his eyes wary and doubtful. He sat in a very expensive car, with lots of technology that was unfamiliar to him. He understood weaponry and certain technology, sure, but he's never had the luxury of actually sitting in a car this advanced. He wasn't even sure if the tech in it was available elsewhere. It's  Stark's  car. 

Steve smiled easily and encouragingly as he sat in the front passenger seat. Bucky had his hands on his lap as if he were afraid to do so much as touch the damn wheel. “Yeah. I trust you. And it's time you're able to go where you want to.. it's time to get back up on your feet.”

Bucky gave him a look of hesitation. Sure, yeah, he was living up to what he'd said last night, but fuck. Driving a car to fucking Brooklyn was  _ not  _ what he anticipated. And Steve seemed to be slightly amused by that. 

“God dammit, Steve. Alright then.” he sighed after a few moments. The fucker had a point. He had to get off his ass. So, Bucky grasped the key and stuck it into the ignition. The car came roaring to life in a loud, powerful purr. Apprehension left Bucky's body and he found himself falling in love with a god damn car. 

Steve coached him, of course, and taught him to work the GPS too. Steve punched in directions to Brooklyn from there. 

It all came back to Bucky. Within minutes, he was cruising down the streets, a self accomplished grin on his face. They had the top down and their hair danced with the wind. Meanwhile, Steve quietly tracked down Bucky's relatives. He found someone by the name of Kimberly Proctor and as Bucky drove, he contacted her via text. Their situation was peculiar, the story was unrealistic, and very very hard to believe. 

Especially when the text read, “Kimberly, This is Steve Rogers/Captain America. I used to be close friends with Bucky Barnes and from what I've heard, you're a relative of his. Is it possible to come over today? I'd love to gather information regarding his upbringing. Thank you, and I'm truly sorry for giving you a late notice.

Steve.”

She must be extremely gullible to believe Captain fucking America, the ass hat whose face she had to grow up to watching during detention and gym class, was really coming to talk to her about her long dead uncle who was really more of a distant relative now. 

Yet, surprisingly, she was very receptive. It wasn’t uncommon for people to come around asking about a James Buchanan Barnes. She'd tell them the same story almost by heart about a brave soldier who was beat friends with a superhero as best she could. But she could never truly give his story justice. She never met the guy. And he didn't live to tell his story. Kimberly immediately shot up from her place in her porch swing and ran right up to the attic to gather what she could for her great uncle. She didn't actually think she'd meet Mr. James Barnes himself. She knew Cap had been his friend and all, but she didn't think Uncle was  _ alive _ . 

They traded places along the way. Steve was well aware that when they got to Brooklyn, things would be very very different from how he'd remembered it. That fact alone was a hard to swallow pill. The world moved on without him. Such thoughts weren't going to stop this. He was determined to get Bucky home and help him remember his origin. Steve only ever told stories relating to that aspect of Bucky's life spent with him. He figured Bucky deserved to have a glimpse of the world Steve couldn't exactly help with. 

Upon entering Brooklyn, he told Bucky the plan and the reason they came here. Lucky for him, Bucky was in good spirits that day and happily obliged. 

“Shit, Steve. Shoulda told me sooner,” he said with a grin, “I would have gotten all pretty and wore that cologne you like.” 

He was wearing a white Gucci shirt and a leather jacket with a single glove. Casual, yet handsome. “Believe me, you look good…” 

The car slowed at a certain street, one that did not seemed to be a street people usually frequented to get to places. It was more residential and private with beautiful, modern houses sitting within five feet of one another. Steve's eyes scanned the area and his whole mood drooped. 

This had been their old neighborhood. There was nothing at all recognizable. Their entire history had been erased. There wasn't much for him to see anymore. Top to bottom, everything was new. The roads, the sidewalk, they weren't cracked and dirty as he'd remembered. They weren't uneven and the grassy lots he'd played in were gone. Most people had the luxury of experiencing melancholic nostalgia. Steve had none of that. 

Bucky picked up on the sudden change immediately. To Bucky, Steve seemed to be scanning - searching - and obviously not finding whatever it was that he sought. There was a certain sadness and longing to him that revealed he wasn’t just looking for his boyfriend's relative’s home. This must have been somewhere significant to Steve. Maybe even himself at some point. 

“Are we.. are we close?” 

“Just taking a shortcut. Almost there.” Steve sped away. So, Bucky was right. 

In a few minutes, they arrived. As soon as Kimberly spotted that car in her driveway through her window, she knew they weren't bluffing. That  _ had  _ to be Captain Fucking America. When hey got out, she nearly fainted. Hot damn if she weren't married ~

She was very surprised that both men were a century old. To top it all off, the handsome other man was  _ her dead uncle.  _ Kimberly was very warm to them and even fed them both. She didn't know all that much about Bucky's parents, just their names and cause of death. She knew a little bit about her grandmother Rebecca, she was Bucky's niece, and then her own parents. 

She provided Bucky with a picture she'd found of the family Bucky grew up with. Like Bucky, she didn't quite recognize them but was able to name them all by memory. 

He came to learn that his father's name had been George Barnes. A woman by the name of Winifred was his mother. Lastly, Bucky had a sister named Rebecca Barnes Proctor. He stared at these pictures hard and long. Bucky really didn't have anything. The faces didn't register in his mind. His brain scrambled to match a memory to those faces, but he couldn't. James truly had nothing. He wasn't given a single flashback either. Maybe he would find them in a dream later tonight. Yeah, he would. Always. And then he could write about it in his journal. 

Kimberly gave the picture to Bucky. It belonged to him anyhow. 

They both thanked her and then went on their way. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also it's currently almost 5am and I'm supposed to "wakeup" for school soon hahahah!
> 
> I START TODAY and I have a fun ritual of pulling all nighters and then drowning myself in coffee until I can hear my own pulse in my head and I start shaking.
> 
> This would also have been published sooner but then I got a specific idea for the next chapter. Halfway through this 3.3k word chapter I decided to write half of another chapter lmao. 
> 
> I'm a mess. I have three chapters for the future already written out but I don't have the shit in between lmao
> 
> Also LOL @ Bucky just being all like yeh we both assholes guess we perfect for each other then


	21. Chapter 21

The previous day ended with Bucky and Steve retreating to their respective rooms. Which was fine. They were both exhausted and wanted to retire in their own beds, and Steve wanted to give Bucky a little privacy. He figured the man would need it or else he would most likely just escape to his balcony to be in his lonesome. Steve needed time, too. He spent a short while tiring himself out with workouts that didn't necessarily require equipment. 

 

Yesterday hadn't hit Bucky too hard. He'd  established he once had a family. Long dead just as he'd expected of course. They went around exploring Brooklyn, eating out, and then driving all over. Bucky easily developed a particular fondness for the sound the car gave off and the way everything vibrated. When they got home, he was eager to get in bed. He anticipated to look into whatever memory his mind had to offer. Surely seeing the picture must have  _ some  _ sort of effect. After looking at the aged black and white image for a while, Bucky rummaged through his house until he found a framed picture of a cheesy inspirational quote. He placed the image near his bed and then slept.    
  


* * *

 

Bucky Barnes awoke from a long, dreamless slumber. It felt like forever. But upon checking the clock, he had only been out from 10 something pm to 2:51am. Nothing. Nothing. His mind turned out blank. He remembered details, nothing worth remembering he remembered. Like, what the flowers pinned to his suit during his first communion looked like. Stupid. But he couldn't bring himself to recall the color of their skin, the shade of their hair, what their eyes looked like, which parent he preferred, and if he and his sister were any close. What kind of family were they? Who were his parents? No one can tell him that. Everybody was gone. The worst part was that he didn't even know who ‘everybody’ was. 

Bucky came outside to catch the cool breeze just to breathe. And perhaps, subconsciously, he sought the familiar and comforting company of the lovely yet equally broken and disturbed individual that brought warmth into his heart. Their souls understood. They connected. 

Just as he'd expected, Loki was also there. And he too bore dark circles beneath stained glass eyes. There were soft wrinkles beneath them that suggested he was troubled and exhausted just as Bucky himself had been. 

Bucky had matching dark circles, and his eyes were just as white, pallid, and it had been clear they had both been enveloped in poignant thoughts. 

Loki sat not on the rail but in that same cushioned wicker chair, and he turned his head to see Bucky. There was a certain look etched upon his features that suggested that the hope left his body long ago. And Loki saw it in Bucky, too. He offered the metal armed man a small smile. 

“Tough night?” Loki prompted, his voice hoarse but laced with sympathetic gentleness. 

“Tough day…” Bucky mumbled. He sat on one of his own chairs, but drew closer to Loki's terrace. Their hair was an unkempt mess whose appearance was not too far from a nest nearly ripped apart by strong gusts of wind. 

“Tell me about it, love.”

There was no hesitation. Bucky trusted Loki. “Steve and I went back home… He traced down my family and then we talked to this woman; Kimberly Proctor. She's nice. I think she's my grand niece. She's my sister's granddaughter… it was so weird. Surreal. It's like, I'm older… that's the technicality of it, but appearance wise… She had to be a few years older than me.”

Loki nodded, listening to what Bucky had to say.

“And it was nice. She brought out pictures. She told me what happened to my family, she told me their names… But I didn't recognize any of them. Not a single one. It's just so hard to believe that these people cared so much about me, they loved me, and yet I can't put a name to their faces or a face to their name. I don't have memories…”

“But it still hurts. It’s been bugging me all day. I'll never get to see those people again. Things won't ever be the same and I doubt I'll even have a memory of them… I don't even know who to mourn but I know I've lost everything. Everyone. Steve didn't tell me but I know and I could see it in his face that he knew it too…”

In a hushed whisper, Bucky whimpered, “Everything is gone.”

Bucky looked away into the field of green he had memorized after countless nights of escaping to the balcony. Tears sprung into his eyes. “People get to mourn. People get to cry. I don't get that because it's like I never knew them at all…” 

“It's like I never had a family and I never got to feel any semblance of normalcy. My whole life is just HYDRA this and that and whatever the hell happened after that.”

Loki knew loss. This sensation was all too familiar. He had just lost himself, his mother, and then his father. Things had been rocky amongst them, but he knew in his heart that he never truly stopped loving them. All the resentment came from the ache of questioning their love for him. And of  _ course  _ it  hurt  when he lost the people who sheltered and raised him. He only recently realized that perhaps he was in truth not as unlucky as he had thought. He was  _ saved.  _ Loved, even. He was given a home and happy memories. 

Bucky had none of those. He had nothing to hold on to and remember anybody by. He couldn't imagine how badly that must hurt. Buck had nothing to call home. Loki did. He thought himself unlucky for not having a piece of Asgard. But he had bountiful memories of home and family. Good and bad. He knew every trivial detail and what have you. As for Bucky? He had none of that. Not a fragment of home. Not a single recollection. Just a picture that was otherwise worthless. What was the point when none of those faces were relevant to him? 

The two spoke for a while about this. But as they watched the sun change, Bucky turned to him. They were equally distraught. Loki had been out here for longer. Something bothered him, too. 

“Loki? What are you doing out here?”

“Truthfully… I was thinking about mother. I miss her. She died protecting brother’s past lover. She died without me by her side. The last time she saw me, I was in the dungeons for genocide. And my last words to her were unkind. Cruel. I told her she was not my mother…”

“I can't even begin to imagine how disappointed mother must have been. She took in an abandoned baby, loved him, and gifted him her skills in combat and magic. Then that baby turned… and did all that..” Loki looked away and bit his lip to suppress a sudden whimper. He shut his eyes but he only succeeded in forcing tears down on both of his porcelain cheeks. He failed mother. She died with the knowledge that her only boys couldn't get along and one was imprisoned. He wondered if mother regret mentoring him. 

Bucky frowned. He stood up and hoisted  himself onto Loki's terrace, and then he took Loki into his arms. Bucky held him and combed his hair until the black haired one calmed. 

Things quiet down, and the two men sat in each other's arms, distantly looking into the horizon. They both looked like they'd seen the devil with their own two eyes. 

Loki perked up with a small, sudden smile. 

“So, ‘just friends’?” The god waggled his waxed eyebrows at Bucky with a giggle. Bucky laughed and pecked Loki's little forehead. “Stop eavesdropping." 

“Come on. We got a few hours before sunup .. let's go sleep.” Bucky said. Instead of allowing Loki to stand, he simply carried him off. 

As soon as they hit the bed, Loki playfully waggled his eyebrows and buried them in his many duvets. 

“Steve said we could be friends…” 

“Nothing more?” Loki pouted playfully. “I don't think you really need his permission.” 


	22. Chapter 22

The pair woke by noon and treated themselves with a healthy breakfast of either flavored oatmeal or yogurt coupled with a healthy smoothie. They also had hash browns. 

Neither of them resembled what a typical healthy individual should. Loki's eyes were somewhat hollowed from lack of sleep and swollen from nights of crying, his skin was unusually pallid and he'd shed a few pounds off of his slender frame. Likewise, Bucky looked just as bad. His hair sat disheveled, he had his metal limb in Loki’s dishwasher (recovering from being used as a cooking utensil), and sharp stubble grew along his structured jawline. He had eyes that matched Loki's weary ones. Their clothing was nothing short of lazy - Bucky was clad in a pair of Steve's sweats and a white tank top yellowed from age and stained with unable substances while his depressed counterpart wore a loose olive green sweater and for lack of a better name, booty shorts. 

But they didn't look as bad as last night. They were both content and recovering. 

Neither seemed to mind their lazy appearance. In fact, Bucky was prideful of the fact that she allowed him to see her in such a relaxed state. She let his walls come down near him and only him, dropping her strict posture and haughty attitude that she maintained in the eyes of the public. Not that he minded her superiority. He actually enjoyed her personality; characterized by artful and blatant disdain. To everyone else, her seemingly arrogant manner was all they knew. But Bucky got to see her with her walls down, slouching, with her curls tousled and her clothing simple. There was just something so intimate about being with her and being the only person to see her this way. She trusted him. He knew that. 

Loki sat elegantly atop his emerald green davenport with his exposed slender legs enveloped in one of Thor's duvets. Most were the stolen property of the god of thunder, but once Thor had come in and gifted a sad Loki with another one of the black cotton stuffed sheets Loki seemed to be very fond of. He had gingerly tucked Loki beneath it. 

Loki settled down easily. On his lap sat a large book full of earth's creatures. There were many classifications and categories, ranging from invertebrates, mammals, birds, amphibians, reptiles and fish.

Then once a certain tab is selected and opened, the book offered a wide array of various specimens and even more categories. The book had to be about a foot long and eight inches wide, the spine of which was just small enough to be able to fit in Loki's hands. It was huge to say the least. But, he wanted to learn. He was going to live here. He might as well be knowledgeable. At the same time, the television showed a nature documentary, showcasing animals of certain regions whilst a soft voiced narrator briefly touches upon the specimen’s identifying traits. All the while explaining what the animal was doing in the footage. Curious little creatures put a soft smile on Loki's face. As he watched, he also flipped through the pages, reading up on interesting creatures and others he simply found adorable. By then, he knew very well what a cat was, and very much still wanted a cat. 

Next to him, or, rather, on the floor, Bucky sprawled out with bottles of paint and plates of mixed paint all around him. Absolute focus etched his features, a look in his eyes that screamed, “Don’t bother me, I'm busy.” The messy brown bun sitting high atop his head served as further warning. He was not to be disturbed. He meant business. An image taken right out of Loki's book was carefully placed just ahead of the canvas Bucky meticulously worked on. He was painting an image of a toucan, his mind wandering as muscle memory instructed him to lightly shade the bird’s beak with streaks of orange. That's when an idea struck him: What if he taught Loki how to drive?    
  


* * *

 

That same day, after sending a text to Steve, Bucky dragged Loki through the tower and down to Stark's personal collection of cars. There were plenty to choose from. Muscle cars to SUVs to jeeps, and even a stray military tank. Bucky leads Loki into a gorgeous black Maserati, lightly thumbing over its shiny body. He opened the front passenger seat to the little lady. They both still looked like they just crawled out of bed after three days, but this time, Bucky had paint in certain places, the cloth hardened upon drying. 

He gives her a brief introduction, showing her various parts and controls and whatnot. Once they get outside to the empty streets around the facility, Bucky explains exactly what he was doing to Loki. She sat there, absorbing everything tentatively. Soon it was her turn on the wheel. 

Loki doesn't panic - Bucky teaches her well and with patience. As time went on, she was able to hold the car steady. And then she learned how to turn around the block and all that. By the end of the day, she learned how to drive. Sort of. She didn't know jack shit about road signs, rules of the road, all that. She knew how to drive. That's literally it.

All that was for another day. 

By the time they finished, it had to have been time for dinner. But neither truly wanted to go back. They wanted to maximize their time together. The black haired one turned to Bucky. “Let's go somewhere…” Loki grinned softly. 

“Somewhere?” Bucky cocked his head to the side with a soft smile stretching his pink lips. 

“Anywhere.” 

And that's how they wound up cruising right off to fuck knows where, with Loki sitting in the passenger seat placing flirtatious kisses along Bucky’s cheek and neck. 

The windows were down and their hair caught the wind, dancing in waves black. Bucky’s loose bun easily became undone and Loki caught the black tie and wore it around her wrist, its woven exterior ripped slightly from being stretched. As they drove through the city lights, music enwreathed them, the sound system in the car beyond impeccable. The vibrations of the bass beneath their feet further excited them as the singer belted out lyrics to a song barely coherent to the two. It felt new and wonderful, almost tasting the light, airy bliss. This must have been what freedom felt like. Because at that moment, they left themselves behind. All their problems and everything else that weighed them down simply left them. All that was left was this very moment and the way it felt. Because nothing else really mattered. 

They found themselves hungry when the sky blackened and all that was left were the twinkling lights in buildings and the cars ahead of them. 

“I don't know about you, but this night calls for fine wine…” Loki grinned and placed her hands upon Bucky's shoulders. “You think so? Wanna go to a bar?” Bucky eyed Loki in the mirror?” 

“Dressed like this?” he asks gently. Neither of them looked like they were dressed for anything, really, except maybe for bed. Loki’s austere sweater hung awkwardly around her body whilst her shorts were so small that they rode up past her hips. The creases of her protruding ass showed, not that Bucky complained. Bucky shrugged. “It doesn't really matter. Nothing does, why dress to impress?” 

“Pfft. I refuse to step foot outside of this vehicle clad in this drab ensemble. And you have paint all over you.” It was an easy fix, however. A shroud of green smoke enwreathed their forms and suddenly, Bucky wore a nice polo shirt, a black YSL leather jacket, and leather Gucci high cut shoes, its material quilted like a chanel bag. His muscular legs were clad in tight leather. And, Loki wore a short halter dress that hugged her small waistline and fanned out into a fun skirt at her hips. The neckline of the dress began at her shoulders and dipped far down her chest, stopping between the wide opening of her ribs in a pointed shape of a v. On the pale column of her neck sat a silver choker, with shiny diamonds spelling out the word “CHANEL” betwixt two identical strands of bedazzled silver. 

Loki took a glance at Bucky before fashioning him with a large, diamond lined Rolex watch and put diamond studs on his ears. Bucky smirked and rolled his left sleeve up to christen the watch with the attention-grabbing prominence that it deserved. The man doesn't bother wearing a glove over his metal hand. God forbid anyone looked at him the wrong way - he knew his mercurial goddess would deal with them for his sake. He recalled fondly the last time they made a public appearance. Loki glared anybody down. 

But  not Bucky… Loki's eyes made their way up and down Bucky's dapper outfit. He looked fiiiiiiine. Not that he didn't before, of course, but he really looked majorly handsome when dolled up. To Bucky, Loki's thirst was palpable, and he smirked at the way Loki ogled his form. 

And thus… the two set out for the most prestigious restaurant, dressed like the hottest power couple, arm in arm with their sides pressed up against each other. 

“If I'd known, I would have worn makeup.” Loki mumbled as they approached the greeter to request a table. Bucky smirked. “I should have brushed my hair but when do we ever get what we want?” 

Loki chuckled and nuzzled the man's sturdy shoulder. “Table for two, please?”

“I'm sorry, it's by reservation only. There's a year long wait.” 

This concept was ridiculous to both of them. To Bucky who never had a taste of living lavish asides from being locked in the tower, and to Loki who was royalty and had people cater to his every whim. A year long wait? 

“We don't wait. Ten grand says you'll find us a table. Pronto.” Bucky pulled out his wallet and waved a checkbook around. It bore Stark's name. 

Just like that, they were led to the nicest two person table available and served the finest of dishes as they silently engaged in a game of footsie. 

And lots and lots of wine. 

They had their fair share of sweetest of desserts, flirtatiously feeding one another. 

Loki had a certain blush to her cheeks, one that indicated a little too much wine. She felt warm and bubbly, and god did she just not want this night to end. She knew in her heart that he would soon return to his true lover, and she knew she was hurting herself by reminding her again what it felt like to be within his gaze. The night wasn't quite over yet, but she'd give everything to have him near again. A pang of loneliness hit her square in the chest like a wormhole, leaving her hollow at that very moment. 

She wouldn't allow her sadness to get to her. She wanted to savor this. That thought was quickly set aside and she snatched the hand Bucky had atop hers and placed a playful kiss upon his bony knuckle. 

“M’lady?”

“Alles klar herr kommissar?” Bucky asked, and Loki giggled. 

She understood, Allspeak was a godsend. “I'm sorry, what? Are you asking for my hand in marriage?”

Bucky pulled Loki into his lap with a small laugh, both of his arms snaking around her small waist. “Wouldn't that be nice? I'll give my princess the biggest stone… what do you want? Chanel? Bulgari? Buccellati? Dior? Whatever you like.”

“Gold and emeralds, baby.” grinned Loki, placing a kiss upon the man's baby soft skin. They could only hope that that pipe team could come true. It was unrealistic, unattainable, but they could still dream of a future together without the thought of the possible mess that would ensue if they did pursue such visions. This alone was nice. 

 

After leaving a generous tip, the two set off, rounding the block to where they had parked the car. Bucky didn't want to leave the car with the valet and that was fine. He held her close in his arms for she swayed from having consumed too much wine. They both laughed at this lightheartedly, both silently clinging to the hope that their euphoria could remain. 

“I'm going to faaaalll!” Loki squealed, giggling as she traipsed through the streets in her high heels. But Bucky held her and he swore that nothing would ever happen to her as long as he were around. “I got you,” he reassured. 

And Loki trusted his every word. She wondered, silently, if this was what love felt like, as she looked up at his soft and untroubled features, her heart fluttering the minute her eyes landed on his. 

He scooped her up into his arms and his one hand held her skirt in place so as not to expose her. 

“Mmmm, so strong, James..” She fake moaned and feigned a sultry expression. But she failed terribly and wound up giggling with him. “This is how I'm going to hold you when I fuck the shit out of you..”

“Ohh, is that a promise?” 

To this, Bucky grinned, leaning down as he walked to catch her lips in his. “Only if you want it to be, my queen.”

The whole two minute walk to the car brimmed with sexual tension. If Bucky could take Loki in the streets, he honestly would have had her clothes ripped right off and he would fuck her with reckless abandon in under a minute. Loki sat up, determined to have Bucky asap. Their thoughts seemed to be in sync because Bucky shifted her in his strong arms to have her legs around his waist. Upon entering the car, Bucky and Loki scrambled into the back seat, eager to get it going. Their lips clashed into a mess of teeth and tongue while their hands rushed to tear the others clothing right off. It didn't seem to matter that they were still in the parking lot, visible to prying eyes, their hunger for closeness was far too overbearing. 

“Fuck me, James! Hurry..” Loki whined as Bucky yanked her lacy underwear from her creamy legs. 

It lasts for hours, as it should, the both of them going at it with absolutely no shame. Neither cared that anyone who looked could see that their windows were so steamy that the glass had a grey tint. As they took turns contending for dominance, the car rocked and shook with their fervent movements. They wanted to feel each other and the absolute closeness that sex provided. All that mattered then was their heat and their decadent movements and the sound of their loud, ecstatic moans. They were enwreathed in one another's presence. All that mattered was the perpetuity of this very moment, the ceaseless thrusts, and the intimacy of their touch. The world revolved around their sin and their sin only. 

Loki preened as she mounted Bucky, her little hands weaving into his hair. She curved her hips to thrust for him violently while the man showered her torso in kisses and left her nipples red and sore. 

It was around one in the morning when they finished. The seats were covered in their matted cum, and the car was so hot that the foggy windows had stripes of water coming trickling down. They held each other in a panting heap, grinning to one another in tired lopsided gazes. 

Bucky looked utterly beautiful. He held her attention without even trying as he sat there artfully disheveled, the buttons of his polo shirt undone. His muscular torso was exposed to show skin of ivory, blue bruises and pink rings of Loki's bite marks. His features show a particular sly smugness, the kind of naughty pride that screamed ‘I just fucked.’ His lips were an enchanting shade of swollen pink, his pale cheeks blessed with a beautiful blush and a particular glow that Loki was particularly fond of. By god did he just look so gorgeous, lost in his glow. Something inside her rose, something that resembled pride, and she grinned a little. Knowing she was the reason for the tint in his cheeks was everything to her. Knowing they had both received a sacrament sacred to some, and sinful to others. 

Loki is first to say, “I love you.” 

Bucky heard the words, knowing full well that at some point, he or she was bound to say it sooner than not. His lips fell into a soft smile and he found himself chastely clasping his lips into hers. 

“I love you so much.” 

“I can tell… You made a mess.” Loki grinned against his lips and kissed him again. 

“Oh? Me? I beg to differ. It was mostly you.”

“Because of you!” Loki retorted, giggling. She placed kisses on his cheek but then she got up and attempted to at least conceal the mess. Knowing Stark, this had to be a vehicle of quite a considerable price. He was arrogantly showy and he liked to boast of his wealth with the use of flashy things. 

The drive home was rather pleasant. She wore Bucky's large leather jacket over her almost bare statuesque figure. The material itself was sticky and hot from their recent escapade, but slowly it became cool against her skin the more the AC cooled the interior of the borrowed vehicle. Slowly, the windows became clear again, and they neared the facility. 

Bucky already missed her. He'd spent the whole day with her. It would have to be a while before they could meet again. Steve was being good to him. He didn't want him to become suspicious. So in his head, Bucky thought or various ways to be with her again, turning things over and over in his head to determine what the most logical thing to do was. 

It does cross his mind a good amount of times that he should seriously just leave Steve, but what then? Everyone would be aware of the undermining reason behind  _ that  _ particular decision, that reason being little lady Loki. He didn't want anyone to think of Loki in a bad light… and he knew they already did. 

Such controversy could inevitably cause drama, and they couldn't do anything to avoid drama when they were all under the same roof. Perhaps they could leave, but where would they go? They couldn't stand a chance out there. Bucky didn't know how he could fix things.

As much as they didn’t want to go home, they eventually do. Bucky returned the car to its rightful place in the garage. He stepped out of the car and promptly helped the lady out of it. They were quiet, melancholy hanging over them. Their arrival signified that their night drew to a close and the thought of solitude loomed over them. Silence shrouded them as they made their way to their respective chambers. 

Bucky knew who he loved. It was her. No one else. It couldn't have been any clearer to either of them. But people will get hurt. He was in too deep… there was no point in turning around. Loki needed him, Steve needed him, and Bucky needed Loki too. There was no right or wrong answer. He had to break things off with someone. Someone was bound to be hurt. He held her hand on the way up, stroking the soft skin as they neared the forthcoming nights alone. 

Bucky remembered the way Loki hurt. He'd remembered those large, guilty, ice cold blue eyes as he clung to cold metal, ready to let go. He remembered Loki's form trembling from sobs and the way he had to watch him for days just crying. He didn't want Loki to spend another night alone. If he needed him, Bucky would be right there. He wanted that much to be known. 

“Promise me that you will talk to me. Please. No more rough nights. Don't torture yourself. I'm here. Always.”

Loki smiled and gave him a hug. “Just as I am here for you…”

“I'm serious, Loki.” Bucky rubbed her little back. “You need to talk to me as soon as you start feeling amiss. You are not alone.” 

Loki nodded, clinging to him. It helped. It really did. And she made sure to remember. She had someone to empathize with her, and by god she wasn't going to take him for granted. Someone cared and that was exactly what she needed. 

Soon though, they're in the elevator, getting closer and closer to the point they'd have to separate again. Bucky held her in his, trying to just make the most out of the few minutes they had left. This had to be love. The unwavering happiness they felt merely at the thought of sharing the same space, the way everything wrong with the world just seemed to dissipate, the way all he could ever think about was Loki, he yearned for her. Just a touch, just a mere glance, that could be enough. But his heart set aflame with the need for her unbroken consistency in his life. It ached, but also fueled them both to wake up another day and endure it all again. 

They car dinged and the solid silver doors parted, bringing both of them to the hall that housed the Avengers. It was a long way down the corridor, that they knew, but in a snap of their fingers, they would both be in separate rooms. Bucky would room with Steve, and Loki would be alone again. This waking moment would cease to exist, lasting only in fleeting memories. 

Loki wondered what would happen if she grabbed Bucky's arm and fled with him. What if they ran faster than their problems could? What if they could leave themselves behind, leave everything here, and be free? Together? 

A taste of heaven was given to her again, and tonight, through the clouds, she could see what paradise and happiness was to her. It was beautiful; there would be no more anxiety, no more fear, because heaven was with Bucky. 

A pipe dream. All it was was another illusion, a mirage in a desert while Loki suffered beneath the rays of the hot sun, barefoot as he walked through scalding sand in search of some sort of respite that was not to come. This dream was another cruel sick joke to mock his suffering. 

The pair continued onward, and for a second, Bucky wanted nothing more than to have Loki fully. He wanted a home of his own, to be back on his feet, and to watch sunsets with Loki in a view of their own choosing. They could be together and he wouldn't have to worry about Steve. Veayse they'd be over. And they wouldn't be around to feel their glaring eyes, their scrutiny, and they wouldn't have to walk on egg shells around anyone because they would be free. What if they ran away and left behind all that kept them from true love and happiness? 

They dragged their feet further until they reached their rooms. Bucky stopped at his door and eyed her sadly as she continued past to her own. 

His hand stopped on his doorknob, hesitant, as if he weren't going to see her again. He had to go in and face his reality. On the other side of that door was the man he owed so much. The same one that he's been betraying for so long. Bucky seriously didn't have the nerve to look him straight in the eye and lie again. At least not tonight. 

Loki entered her room after giving Bucky a sad glance. She walked in slowly, flickering the lights on. 

But then as she shut the door, Bucky opened it a little and came inside. 

He spends the night with her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took forever. School n shit.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk what the point of this chapter is.

The morning gave rise to a bright sun, bringing rays of warm light into Loki's room, illuminating his barely clothed form as it streamed into his room. The soft sun tickled Loki's skin until he awoke to a soft yawn and a stretch of his limbs. He promptly sat himself up to find his form to be bare except for a single article of clothing; his underwear. Pallid skin tilted gold as he moved around. Black locks that stood separate from his head shone in the sun, each strand glowing almost, ethereal.

The golden orb also cast its light upon the vacuity of the same bed that once cradled the warmth of his lover. Loki felt unbothered, however. He was okay. He accepted (for now) that Bucky wasn't his. He had managed to slip away some time ago and returned to his rightful place.

But it didn't go unnoticed to Steve that Bucky hadn't been around and in fact wasn't in the tower at all. It didn't go unnoticed either when Bucky only resurfaced at such an odd hour. Steve could only assume what went on considering who Bucky was with. But he didn't dare bring it up. Whatever Bucky did, which Steve was sure he did, was up to Bucky if he wanted to be honest with Steve this time. Steve turned a blind eye as he awaited a confession that would never come. 

As the week went by, Steve kept Bucky as distracted as possible, often taking him out to do the most mundane things. 

Like… go to an actual laundromat. The ever insightful Stark tower had its own, but Steve figured that they shouldn't rely on Tony's commodities. Time will come when they had to do shit for themselves.

And the trip went mostly well. Turns out it was Steve who had no clue how to operate a newfangled washing machine because apparently, Bucky used them quite a bit when he took refuge in the apartment that Steve found him in.

Bucky took his sack of clothing into Loki's room where he found the smaller man lying across his stomach on his daybed. Loki put curtains in the windows, though they were thin and white. It defeated the whole purpose of a curtain but they looked lovely as they swayed slightly from the gentle breeze and provided a certain ambiance to the room.

They greeted one another in half smiles, but nothing more. Loki resumed his reading whilst Bucky took up space on the daybed and dumped the contents of his mustard yellow laundry bag. 

It was another no-talk day for either, it seemed. That was okay, too. 

Loki wanted to spend his time perusing books of history and Bucky had chores. He sorted through the pile (which some was over the back of Loki's shins), splitting clothes up by category.

He had the standard Stark provided clothing and then he had the ones he and Loki had bought. The majority of the pile was dark in color. The metal armed man folded his clothing in systematic robotic movements, focused on nothing else. Room was scarce, and the stacks ended up being placed over Loki himself. Not that he minded. He seemed too busy to notice. And, curiously, Bucky wondered if this truly were the case, or if Loki as simply choosing to ignore him altogether.

Bucky tops Loki's head with a freshly folded pair of underwear. 

And another. 

And another.

Until there was a stack on Loki's head, too.

Loki's response (the only reasonable one it seems) was for him to turn himself into a cat. The clothes atop Loki's previous form safely plopped onto the bed, still neat, but the underwear remained on top of the small black creature. Bucky snickered. “Need a little help here?”

Loki mewed gently yet firmly to make his affirmative clear. Bucky removed the garments but then he scooped Loki kitty up. 

“Awh… Lokitty!” gushed Bucky. “I'll be honest with you. You're honestly cuter in this form.” he joked. Loki squinted his bright emerald orbs at Bucky before pawing at his face.

Cuter in this form.

_ Hah _ .

The next few weeks, Bucky woke up at odd hours to the sight of Lokitty just poking his beard free face with those cute little kitty beans. All because he wanted to make some sort of point that eventually got lost in translation and forgotten. Steve never saw the cat but he did see the remnants of one. Loki had gotten into the blondes closet and proceeded to wiggle, squirm, roll, and squeeze into as much nooks and crannies as possible. By the time he decided he was done, everything had fur. Steve was reasonably baffled. 

Over the next several weeks, Steve brought Bucky grocery shopping, having brunch, shit - even got his hair trimmed (but only by a centimeter, because Bucky wasn't exactly sure if his new lover would like it short.) Then, also, Steve took Bucky to the DMV, all sorts of shit. Steve brings Bucky around to places for the sake of reintroducing Bucky into the world.

In the meantime, Loki immersed himself in documentaries, learning past what's rudimentary to grasp common ideals, laws, ethics, economics, and the conflicts of Earth. He learned a bit of geography, earth's astronomy, and a little bit of the planet’s botany. History. Lots of history. NatGeo, Animal Planet, Travel Channel. Anything and everything he could possibly learn, he did so using the help of technology and the young Peter Parker. (Well, he mostly just sat down next to Peter as he did his homework in the common room and stole whatever book wasn't currently in use to see what he was up to. Sometimes, Peter excitedly talked on and on about a certain subject that particularly interested him. Other times, Loki had to help himself.)

It does come to Peter’s knowledge that the god had a certain thirst for acquiring new knowledge and wasn’t just looking at his books. One day, as the two bonded through silence and studying, the two dressed in near pajamas, Loki hummed at his phone as he got a reminder for a new documentary that was coming up. It had to do with marine biology along the coast of Australia. Peter glanced at the screen of the iPhone X, catching exactly what Loki had previously seen. 

“No way! Mr. Loki, you watch NatGeo? I love NatGeo!! Have you seen the ones with mummies? So cool!”

Loki smiled. “Oh, yes. It was very interesting to learn about such tribes and rituals. I've been trying to learn more through similar factual films, but I haven't quite found an abundance of content on such matters. Most of what I've found don't quite touch upon what I want to learn.”

“Well, what do you wanna learn? Maybe I can help!”

“Everything.” Loki smiled.

As soon as Loki said he's only learning through Peter's books and television, Loki found himself being dragged to a public library by a rather ecstatic Peter Parker. Although he enjoyed and gushed over the young Avenger’s sunny convivial attitude, Loki wasn't sure if he held a particular liking for his spontaneity. For one, Loki sported a pair of slippers, sweatpants, and massive sweater he had stolen from Bucky. Two, he  wasn't wearing any underwear . So  _ things  _ moved around freely in his uncomfortably and unfashionably loose pants. And, tertiary to this list was the fact that Loki's phone hadn't been charged to a hundred percent. He had a mere 80% and it bothered Loki to no end. 

Upon arrival, Loki no longer had any qualms for the library had endless selections. These books weren't exactly magical or older than time itself. They certainly weren't as valuable as ancient scriptures, books of spells, or pretty storybooks he'd been read to as a child, and they certainly wouldn't have the same paramount status as the tomes he'd once had, but they were still books. And they were pretty. Each copy had its own personality, uniqueness, and soul. Covers were unlike the bland green, burgundy, brown, and black leather-bound books in Asgard. No, the shelves were stocked with a bedlam of conflicting colors, chaotic, but each book had individuality. Disorderly, but nice.

Loki picked out complex treatise about various subjects. He had a good stack of books on his person that he had to pick and choose from, returning a few to where they belonged, but then coming back to them. They were in line at check out when he got the text:

“Send me something xo ♡” From none other than the Bucky Barnes.

He left the books to Peter. Quietly, Loki ran off to the nearest secluded isle, a smirk playing upon his lips. It happened to be a section dedicated to law, which no one truly cares for. 

“Now? Really? I'm not home..” he sent. Loki contemplated sending an older picture, but instead, the naughty thing surveyed the area. No one. Not a single camera in sight either. God, was the god of mischief seriously considering this? Well, yes, given the name he was ultimately expected to pull things like this. Maybe not  _ expected  _ but it wouldn't be much of a surprise either. But anyone in the right mind, anyone sensible, would know Loki shouldn't splay himself out to send raunchy images let alone to a taken man. 

“Me neither…” Sent Bucky. And suddenly, Loki's eyes lit up to the sight of Bucky's proudly and fully erected member, salient as it stood out in its full glory. He bit his thin lip to stifle a moab - the stiff column leaked precum for the slit that Loki simply wanted to swipe at with his tongue. He swallowed hard, feeling himself stiffen inside the confines of his baggy sweatpants. Bucky's cock was stiff, rock hard and practically swollen with angry veins and  _ fuck  _ those veins… Loki twitched as he traced his eyes over those god damned veins. He wanted that man down his throat and -

Bucky really was in public. Behind him was a display of tomatoes and bell peppers and a  _ lady pushing a cart.  _ Fuck it, if Bucky had enough balls (he was the epitome of ballsy through and through, that much was apparent) to sneak a picture in public, then Loki should ostensibly be valiant enough to take a few quick shots… He was no stranger to risky public things… So, with all morals thrown out the window, Loki quietly palmed his cock, freed it, and sent Bucky a nice close up of it.

It took forever for Loki to respond. It was long enough for Bucky and Steve to get through checkout and through the parking lot where Bucky climbed into the car and Steve loaded groceries into separate bags. But they didn't have bags. Each item had been placed back in the cart to be put in the reusable tote bags in the vehicle they used. According to Steve, people used plastic bags to hold their items, but then it was established that that was hazardous to the environment, so they switched to paper bags. But paper bags also caused liter so now they charge extra for bags or you just bring your own. It's an odd concept to both men. They were from the generation that wrapped everything in paper and boxes. Shit, even shirts were in boxes. But anyhow…

He slouched to hide his phone, seeing the lovely surprise Loki sent him. But he craved even more of Loki, much to Loki's dismay. 

Because reading the words “Let's video chat” on his phone screen with his cock out in public and knowing full well what the man on the other end wanted of him was disconcerting. But was he going to refute his request?

Hell no.

Loki surveyed the area once more and found it to be exactly as the last time he'd checked: vacant. No passersby. No nothing. 

Loki shot the kid a quick text so it wouldn't look like he'd ditched the poor thing. 

“Peter, let's stay here and read a few. Save a table. I'll see you there in a bit.” 

God, Bucky owed him. 

Loki called Bucky, a band down the elastic waistband of his sweats, while he placed the phone on the second to last shelf. He stuck a few fingers in his mouth to lubricate before leaning against one of the shelves. 

Bucky answered immediately. They had to be quick. And he smirked, seeing Loki already anticipating to give him a good show. Loki blushed as he felt the way Bucky's blue eyes scanned his form. 

“Where are you?” Loki asked when the background behind Bucky seemed much different from a typical grocery store.  

“I'm in the car…” Bucky adjusted his phone to verify this and as soon as he did, Bucky caught sight of a muscular torso that was unmistakably Steve Rogers. But once the camera panned back to Bucky, he had his shaft free from the tight cloth, protruding from a bunched up pair of underwear labeled ‘Calvin Klein.’ 

“Let me see you play with yourself…”

Loki didn't need to be told twice. He yanked his sweats right off and pumped his cock, watching the way Bucky's large hand traveled up and down his meaty shaft. He wanted nothing more than to be there, plunging each fat inch into the tight pink ring of Loki's voluptuous ass. But watching Loki gladly doing this for him in a public place no less easily accounted for the fact that neither were within arms reach.

As Bucky pumped away furiously, Loki kept both of his hands occupied, envisioning Bucky's hands on his body and that hard, massive cock buried far into him as his legs were spread as wide as they were.

Steve failed to notice exactly what his naughty lover was up to and what went on just under his nose. He finished loading the car after five minutes. Shopping for over ten people was a daunting task and needless to say, he had a lot to pack. And then Steve went ahead and returned the carts he'd borrowed at the far end of the parkin lot which bought Bucky and Loki even more time. Release came quickly to the two, thankfully, and while Loki thrusted and curled his long fingers within himself, her back arched and twisted. Melodious screams of pleasure emanated from him and his toes curled, his face contorted from pure bliss. 

Both of them came hard without a single care for the mess that would ensue.

“... Mister.. Loki...?” Peter stood at the opening of the aisle, wide eyed, as he tried to keep his eyes to Loki's face instead of all that.

Loki shrieked and pulled his pants up in one fluid motion. He also grabbed the phone and shut it right the fuck off.

“Peter!!!?” Loki gasped, his features a mix of panic and shock and shame and absolute confusion. Neither knew what the hell to do, and they kind of just stood in place, fiddling around with wide eyes.

Needless to say, the ride home was awkward and silent with neither knowing how to act.

“So uhm…” Peter fiddled awkwardly as he recalled the last time he had spoken with Loki. He had disclosed to him that he had a particular fondness for the metal armed brunette. “When you were on the phone..”

Loki sighed. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone pls rp with me  
> Tumblr 5050dead  
> Ask for kik, we can do that there, too


	24. Chapter 24

For months, neither spent a night truly alone. 

Bucky & Loki spent as much time as they could together, a lot more than what was acceptable given their history. Nobody knew about their late night meetings prior to Steve's approval of their friendship, but it had long since been established that there was definitely something between the two. 

Steve couldn't do anything to stop it - he didn't want to. It would get in the way of his attempt at giving Bucky rook to breathe… but he  _ knew  _ he shouldn't let it progress. And he knew full well that this decision to keep mum about the topic was to say the least highly debatable. There was no right or wrong fucking answer. He had two choices: one being allowing Bucky his freedom and basically giving the two permission to fuck right under his nose, and the other being keeping Bucky on a tight leash until he leaves his sorry ass for his mistress. 

He wasn't stupid. They weren't fooling anyone. Loki's effect on Bucky radiated from him even when the god wasn't around. 

So there he was - moping. The blonde sat in his own room, contemplating the issue at hand with tears in his eyes that threatened to fall but don't. He was seated before his desk with a bottle of tequila and a small shot glass in his rather large hand, twirling the thing amongst his fingers while watching the honey colored liquid move in it. 

He couldn't take away Bucky's happiness… the more time Bucky spent with Loki, the more he could see Bucky becoming himself again.  He was happy. He wasn't having nightmares anymore. He slept when he was supposed to. What hurt Steve the most that it wasn't because of him. And that instead of Bucky being honest with him about his new relations, he chose to lie to his face about it. He treated him like he was a god damn fool and Steve just let it happen. And maybe that's what warranted this treatment. 

Nevermind the way Steve would wake up to the brightness of Bucky's phone as his thumbs danced across the keyboard to tell Loki things he'd never tell Steve. Nevermind the times Bucky destroyed his own integrity as he absconded to another lover. Nevermind waking up to an empty bed. Nevermind seeing them laugh together with starry eyes that were ever nonexistent under Steve's company. 

No. It didn't matter what they did together because in the end it wasn't they who were fools. It was Steve. Because he wasn't enough. He didn't give him enough support or love or freedom or care even if he  _ did  _ just risk  _ everything  _ for that damn asshole but apparently that wasn't enough. And whatever they've gone through together, what they lived through, all of their history just didn't matter. Apparently all of that was irrelevant and he just felt so god damn betrayed. Steve had done nothing but good all his life - what did he do to deserve this? Everything he'd done, all he'd sacrificed, was for nothing. HYDRA was still a thing. Bucky hated him. And the whole planet was more or less fucked so??? What the fuck now? He damn near died trying to protect everyone but it's all fucked to shit. The team designed to protect it - he destroyed. And, again, he was rewarded with Bucky's antipathy. 

So as Steve wallowed in self pity, Bucky and Loki's relationship deepened and blossomed. They laughed, they cried, they healed. Day and night, their thoughts revolved around the other, beautiful and pure thoughts weaved into their corroded hearts. To both of them, such feeling was foreign. Indeed, their union was one that destroyed their integrity, but neither could help but be physically and spiritually drawn to one another. That first night, they just knew that their broken souls were bound together. Equally shattered and tortured, of course they'd gravitate towards one another. 

With Loki, Bucky's outlook on life gradually improved. Loki just had to be Loki… and suddenly, Bucky's life had sunshine and happiness again. Suddenly, he had a reason to wake up every morning and decide that he wanted to be part of the world. Suddenly, he cared how he looked and presented himself to the word. He was a person again and he had a reason to create again. To make art and appreciate life and beauty because Loki helped him dream. Loki helped him appreciate life itself. He helped him remember what it felt like when life was sweet. And, Loki made life sweet. She was his muse, inspiration, and she brought music back into his life. Life was starting to become beautiful again.  

With Bucky, Loki learned to let go and not dwell. Some days were bad for both of them and they both respected that. Yeah. But Loki wasn't alone in this anymore. He needn't wade through the fires of hell. He needn't stand at the edge of despair, hanging on by just a pinky, because he didn't have the will to carry on further. The only thing that held him back was compunction. But now he didn't have to think too much about any of that because he had Bucky. Loki didn't have to suffer the burden and poison of his own thoughts alone. Neither did Bucky. 

As time went on, they both took to doing their hobbies again. Loki enjoyed music, studied, and immersed himself in a world of books and more magic. His dexterity and dedication all played a part on Loki's many skill sets. Bucky's hands made beautiful, intricate things. He was so far away from who they've made him to be. Instead of hurt, he made art. After so long he was finally feeling like he was starting to make progress again. Life wasn't dreary anymore. 

Even his dreams were getting better…

He learned to control them. He learned how to manipulate his own dreams and to escape the sordid memories that his own mind tried to put him through again. And overtime, Bucky got to see bits and pieces of things, fragments of his childhood home, faces, and blurred memories. 

As they healed and prospered, Steve died inside a little more each day. 

Steve knew all about it. Bucky didn't have to say a single word. He knew that Bucky was moving on without him sooner or later. He'd found someone better. 

And among many other things he knew, Steve was aware that Bucky would return soon from a day of romancing Loki. 

While they recovered, Steve died a little more each day. It was only a matter of time until he'd truly lost Bucky. 

He already has… and the only thing binding them had already been violated through Bucky and Loki's liaison. Steve was hanging on by a thread and he knew that one day, Bucky would slip through his grasp and Steve would once again be alone. All he had ever valued and held dear would be gone. 

Steve downed another shot of the bitter liquid, savoring the way that it burnt as it slid down its designated passageway. And he scrambled to put it away and get some perfume on to mask his pitiful disdain in time to receive Bucky's company. There was no point to it. Perhaps he had been punishing himself. Who knew. But Steve wouldn't get drunk on bourbon ever. And heaven knew that he would be lying if he said he liked the taste. Drinking to forget wasn't an option. Definitely not. 

So, like, out of all he's ever done, this too was fruitless. Why try? 

After he'd sprayed himself with cologne and shoved the bottle away in a spare drawer, Steve knocked his hand against the mouse of his computer and the monitor's screen lit right up to show the very first page that always popped up: Google. And there was local and national news. The first banner read: COME ON DOWN AND VISIT THE FAIR in bold letters. The thumbnail was one of a clown. 

All at once, Steve had this grand idea and his mood suddenly shifted. Bucky loved fairs. They always went… By now, Bucky was becoming acclimated to the world. So in theory he should be able to handle a nice visit to one. Perhaps it could unearth a missing memory and help Bucky place a missing piece to the puzzle that was his life. Maybe they could make new memories.

Once Bucky came, the notion that they could try again dissipated. Bucky didn't seem to be amenable. He didn't look like he even wanted to be there. So the prospect of trying again was promptly swept under the rug. As soon as his lover walked in, a dark cloud overwhelmed Steve, and he just didn't bother to talk. Not one of them did. The brunette made a beeline for the bathroom, brushed his teeth, and went right to bed. Steve followed after.

But he didn't sleep. Steve shut his eyes and pulled closer to Bucky's warm body, getting high off of just his scent that was laced with a hint of Loki's perfume. It hurt and it was torture, but he missed his Bucky. This was the most he'd be getting…

After a while, Bucky started to dream again. He found himself in a dusty schoolyard with buildings yellowed from age and cracks ran up and down its facade. He was young, with a uniform stained a dirty yellowed white and pants that hung high on his ankles. But at the time it wasn't laughable or even pitiful. It was a norm. Money was scarce and the effects of it affected all. Every little head in the predominantly white school knew what poverty meant and had endured at least one night of starvation. Out of the blue, the bedlam of giggling children and squealing grew louder and a certain disturbance hung in the air. Some children came rushing to the scene. 

Little Bucky heard the yelling and knew instantly and almost out of instinct to run right to the source of the commotion. At the back of his mind, he knew there could only be one culprit. Amongst the many angry voices was a fierce fighter fruitlessly attempting to intimidate and assert his bravery with promises of a good ass kicking. 

As Bucky ran, he could already see the much smaller blonde head and the bullies that demanded his lunch money. Yep. Definitely Steve. This situation was all too familiar to him. And to Steve. The kid just never tired of putting up a fight. But on that fateful day, Bucky decided (for Steve) that he had had enough. Steve needed saving whether or not he liked it. 

“HEY!” Bucky growled fiercely. He jumped and tackled the biggest one and started pounding on him just the way his daddy taught him and his momma how to. The other children fled, screaming, and left Bucky to fight with the meanest one of them. He knew to stop once the fucker got a bloody nose. And so young Bucky sat up, helped Steve up, and quickly walked away before any teachers could come. 

He was in trouble for sure. He was well aware of that. Tonight, Bucky would have to face a night bent over on the couch after a nice trip to principal’s office. But he chose to ignore that and instead helped Steve slap the dust out of his patchy uniform. He'd known it before but now, standing right by his side, it finally occurred to him just how small the kid was. The great depression probably hit this one hardest. It wasn't until a little later that Bucky would find out that the kid was just sickly. 

The group of nosy children gathered around them dispersed. The excitement was all over. Unbeknownst to all of them, this would be the last time that they could make a spectacle of Steve. 

“You good?” 

Steve nodded. “I didn't need any help. I got them.” 

Bucky cracked a smile. This kid had some balls on him. For someone his size, he was pretty damn ornery. “Sure.” 

Steve loosened a little. There was no way he could have handled them all, with hindsight, and they certainly would have made off with the money his own mother worked so hard for. That money brought calluses and tiny scabs from needles to his own momma’s sore hands. It was for him and for him only. That's what momma would have wanted. “Thank you."

After Bucky had saved that scrawny blonde kid from those ass hats trying to steal his money, he found himself with a partner in crime. Life would never be the same.   
  
They'd play together for hours in Steve's backyard. Sometimes they had to take a break for Steve to catch his breath and never once did Bucky feel it to be a hindrance. He worried for him, took care of him, and loved him even at such a ripe age.    
  
At nightfall, they built fires with pieces of old shoes and a stolen matchbox to keep the mosquitos away. They dreamt of growing up to be the heroic soldiers they would hear about in the radio and watched the stars until Aunt Sarah (Steve's mom) called for them to go to bed.    
  
Overtime that love would develop, build, and eventually evolve. But now the feelings had gone. The care was still there and it always would be. It was only the romance that had gone. 

Bucky willed himself to awaken the moment he knew that the past wouldn’t reveal anymore of its secrets that night. Quietly, he crept out of bed and snatched his journal from the top of Steve's bedside table. His movements were numbered, careful not to wake his sleeping partner. Steve feigned sleep all the while, aware of his attempt to stifle any disturbance his movements may cause. He made sure to jot this all down when he pieced together more memories and then placed the silk string between the inked pages. He closed his journal and returned to bed. It was imperative that he wrote down whatever it was that he saw. He didn't know if he'd ever get the chance to see what he did again. Once he woke up in the morning, he knew he'd dreamt of something sweet, but would fail to hold on to even the smallest of details. It frustrated him to no end. Such memories were fleeting, often leaving him just as quickly as it came. Visions of the bad once always stuck to him like the ghost of bandages - not there but can still be felt.    
Steve figured he'd been dreaming again. Of what he didn't know. But he knew without having to glance at him that Bucky was enroute to his desk to write down whatever he'd seen. 

  
The next time he'd open his journal, he'd find a different penmanship right below his most recent entry.   
  
"We came into the house, got new clothes, and you and I would brush our teeth next to each other. We lay together on a really thin mattress on the floor and fought sleep by telling stories of ghost sightings in that old house around the corner, or about the things we'd see on the news about the war. We had both been so fascinated and excited by the thought of such things happening in our time, too innocent to know the true gravity of the situation. We stayed up for hours until we both somehow fell asleep. We only woke up when we heard mom fire up the woodstove below us. The smell of fresh biscuits wafted throughout the house and we'd get up and run right to the kitchen for our piece.    
  
Do you still remember?   
  
I love you Buck. I always have. I wish you never forget that."

Steve was ecstatic. Maybe there was hope for the two of them. Obviously he cared enough to write this memory down? 

Maybe they had a chance. Maybe Bucky was on the road to remembering who he was. Maybe the feelings he had for him would come back. Maybe Bucky was coming back. This was a start. He remembered where it all began. How. In the next dreams, maybe he'll find himself. 

how it all started. They could try and build it up again. Perhaps there was still time to try and salvage what was left…

Steve fell asleep with hopes of a new day. 

When he awoke, he made Bucky a nice warm plate of sausages and hash browns with scrambled eggs cooked just the way he remembered Bucky would like it; slightly burnt, a little too salty, and with pepper. Meanwhile, Bucky got up and silently crept to the shower. He and Loki planned to head out today. Fuck knows where, but last night it had already been predetermined that they would go on a little adventure. Steve placed all of it on a nice tray and served it with the prettiest set of dishes and utensils his kitchenette had to offer. Next to that, he sat a glass of Naked juice in the plate and also some water in case Bucky wanted something a little less thick. He placed all of this on the table with careful presentation with no true regard for himself. He hardly made enough food to feed himself. All was for for Bucky asides from a few extra morsels. Though it didn't matter much to Steve as long as he was happy. He just couldn't wait for him to see. And he couldn't wait to take him to that fair. Who knows? Maybe going to one could trigger the return of stolen memories… 

A lifetime ago, the young duo scrounged up as much money as they could and blew it all the moment they knew that the fair would be back in town. The same goes for whenever the circus was in town. Shit, they'd dig up loose change from the couch cushions just to have enough money for rides and games. Bucky particularly loved dragging Steve to rides that made Steve hurl up the contents of his stomach. And they'd laugh about it together and do it all over again until there simply wasn't anything left of Steve to regurgitate. That was their cue to head right over to the stupid games that Steve swore was rigged. But they spent their quarters, their dimes, nickels, and even their pennies playing those games to win a simple stuffed bear. Sometimes they forget that they needed to pay for a ride home. And then they'd have another adventure. At times like those, nothing mattered. Not the bills that needed to be paid, or when Steve's next dosage of medicine would come, or how they could possibly get by for another month or two with the way the economy was going. Nope. They could forget and indulge themselves just for a day with pure, childish fun. Maybe, he could offer that to Bucky once more. That way, it wouldn't be Loki alone who would offer the brunette something substantial. 

When he finished setting the table, Bucky strolled into the kitchenette, already dressed for the day. Steve dropped everything he was doing to greet the handsome man with a soft hug and a kiss to the cheek. “Good morning, handsome… I made you breakfast.” 

Bucky awkwardly side stepped and picked up a few sausages with the fork placed neatly next to shiny white china. They usually settled for plastic plates acquired from obscure little stores instead of actual porcelain. Bucky's plate had an animated Donald Duck on it, courtesy of Sam Wilson. This… was not  _ his  _ plate. He almost felt bad, but he made a promise. He had somewhere to be. Steve felt that. 

“Bucky, come sit?” Steve frowned almost immediately. 

“Nah, I'll see you later though.”

Steve watched Bucky devour the sausages and only the sausages and then quickly shuffle towards the door.

“Buck - wait?!” 

Bucky turned to him, his irritability etched on his face so clearly. Literally and figuratively, Bucky had a foot out the door. 

His dark brow arched in annoyance. “What?” 

Steve hesitated. Fearing rejection, he hovers on the topic for a second before finally asking, “Do you want to go to the fair with me?”

“I - what?” Bucky raised his eyebrows even more, his annoyance adding up. “I got somewhere to be.” 

And then the broad shouldered sergeant disappeared behind the door, hurriedly bounding away. He shot Loki a text to go to the basement. He had a feeling they needed to hurry off. 

Steve stood there, stunned, as his valiant efforts were rejected. And to think that Steve thought he had a chance. He wanted to serve him and make him happy and ensure that he had something to fill his belly and that he was taken care of and then Bucky just shunned him??? 

Steve strode after him until he eventually caught up. Bucky abruptly stopped walking when a hand forcefully landed on his shoulder. 

“Where??? To Loki?” It was rhetorical. They both knew full well why Bucky was in such a hurry to leave. Why he was so dressed up. But Steve wanted to hear it. He couldn't fucking take it anymore. He  _ knew  _ but Bucky just couldn't find it in himself to be honest. 

He hissed with evident animosity to the subject, “Why do you care?” 

He picked up his previous fast paced gait but Steve just walked along with him. 

“Because you keep treating me like a fucking idiot! I KNOW! I KNOW YOU'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR! I'M DOING EVERYTHING FOR YOU. FUCK, IT'S LIKE I'M ALLOWING YOU TO CHEAT ON ME! I LET YOU SPEND EVERY WAKING MOMENT WITH HIM. THE LEAST YOU CAN GIVE ME IS FIFTEEN MINUTES OF YOUR DAY WITH ME!” 

Bucky shook his head and just ignored him, averting his eyes to the ground as he stomped away. He didn't have time for this. Not here. Specially not in the hallway where everybody is. “Quit yelling.” 

“We’ll talk later.” Bucky added. But then he gasped sharply, his back colliding into a wall. When he lifted his eyes to glare, he's met with a pair of reddened blue orbs, enraged, but deeply dejected. 

Soon it wasn't just his eyes that were reddened. His cheeks grew pink and red hot. “We aren't talking later. We're talking NOW. You owe it to me! You fucking scumbag liar! I'm giving you everything! I risked everything and everyone for you! Because I love you! And this is how you're gonna treat me?”

“Bucky! Give it up. I already know. Stop lying. Please! Stop lying. I want you to tell me the truth!” Steve sobbed. The way his eyes bore into Bucky's made the other man look away. 

What was there to say? Steve was right. 

“You owe it to me… tell me.. do you still love me? James.. do you love me at all?”

“I know I've had discrepancies in the past, but I'm trying!” 

Neither noticed Loki approach, and when they heard her soft voice, they broke away. Steve eyed her and her small form, her small statuesque figure, and the nubile curvaceous body that was accentuated by the tight clothing she wore. Fuck, he couldn't give Bucky THAT. He wasn't a woman, obviously, and she could be whatever Steve lacked. Loki could be a boy or a girl and in both forms, she far exceeded Steve's appearance. So that was it? Could Steve narrow it down to mere lust and attraction? Was Bucky's needs just not being met? That was an easy fix. But, no, offering Bucky sex wasn't just the cause of Bucky's sudden recovery. It couldn't just be that. Great. Loki was better than Steve in every sense of the word. 

“Is there a problem?” She asked gently. The tone of her voice didn't imply scrutiny. Just genuine concern. No double meaning. 

Bucky eyed Steve in such a way that suggested that his answer wasn't for Loki alone. “No, there isn't.” 

Steve allowed them to leave. 

 

* * *

  
  


When they returned, Loki had a giant teddy bear in his arms. Likewise, Bucky had a balloon animal in the shape of a dog. They came home with smiles that showed blue stains from cotton candy and a whole stack of new pictures stamped with the logo of whatever the fair was called. 

What Steve could have offered and the opportunity to rekindle their romance was snatched from him so cruelly. He asked Bucky first and he got turned down… but for Loki, he was willing to go and even put the beautiful woman first. Bucky deliberately prioritized Loki over his best friend and lover. It was just a massive slap to the face… 

That night, the lock to Steve's room remained shut. Bucky was denied entry upon knocking. And why wouldn't he be? Bucky told Steve to fuck off before. Bucky prohibited him from going to his room, too. Why should Steve grant him the permission to share the same bed? 

This neither hurt not concerned Bucky. For he gladly turned around and spent the night with Loki. 


	25. Chapter 25

Steve wasted away with a bottle of bourbon and a stolen flask of alcohol aged for many millennia. This was all that could allow him to forget. 

But he wasn't alone this time. He had a friend. The petite redhead sat parallel to him as she quietly sat and sipped at a glass of chardonnay. 

“It's been going on for a while, Steve… they can't just be flirting anymore. Hookups don't last for months. By now they've probably developed something…”

Steve sniffled. Although he was cognizant of this fact and fully grasped what this meant for him, it was hard to really accept. His mind simply couldn't process that this was his reality and Natasha was all too understanding of that. She could empathize, but she wasn't about to watch her friend destroy himself over a dysfunctional relationship. She was honest. There was no need to sugar coat anything. She had to help Steve get out of his dysfunctional and toxic relationship with Bucky. It was for everyone's own good. 

“Look, Steve…”

He was listening. They'd been talking long enough for him to recount various encounters and summed up what had been going on between he and Bucky as of late. But now he had no words. She was right. 

Natasha  sat her tall glass down upon the coaster resting on the black marble counter of the bar. “This isn't going to end well. If things are just as bad as you said they were, you lost Bucky a long time ago. Things aren't going to work between you two anymore. Especially not when he found someone else.”

“There is no way in hell that I want to justify what he's done to you and I don't want you to give him a free pass to be with his mistress, but this isn't going to work. You know that.”

“This is going to destroy you…” 

For nights, Steve slept on it. By the fifth night, he'd practically memorized Natasha’s words per verbatim. He'd tossed and turned it over, looking at it from every perspective possible, all the while seeking the comfort and warmth of his rapidly depleting supply of ancient liquor. He got the message alright. 

But Steve still wasn't going to let go of Bucky…

And perhaps that was why he was the damn fool of it all, the bastard, the brunt of the joke, very much deserving of harsh disparaging. So by the sixth night, he came to him in his room, fully prepared to catch him with  _ her _ , to beg for his love and the gift of his embrace. Stiff as they may be, Bucky's arms were home. 

The door was unlocked. It turned with ease yet Steve couldn't bring himself to push the door even slightly ajar. 

“What a pathetic worm,” he thought. “Crawling back to the man that violated his trust and took his love for granted.” 

Bucky turned his back to him and betrayed his trust yet it was Steve that came back as though he were the one with the need to atone for his since. Shouldn't it be Bucky outside his door, begging for penance? Shouldn't it be Bucky beseeching with tears in his eyes to at least be given another chance at having Steve's heart in his hands? Why wasn't it Bucky looking to care for him once more, like he always had, and to ensure that Steve's wellbeing was put first? Where was the man that selflessly loved Steve to no end? Bucky was once Steve's sanctuary. Hurt him he dared not. 

Nevertheless, Steve stood there with the metal knop in his grasp, already turned, simply awaiting his gentle nudge. Maybe, just maybe, all wasn't lost. They could try again. What awaited him on the other side of the door would surely be unfavorable, but something had to happen for them to move forward. With the prospect of an uncertain outcome, Steve slowly barged into his lover’s neat quarters and was immediately greeted by the sight of Bucky and Loki's happy smiles that dropped upon the realization that someone had stepped in. That someone turned out to be the last person they wanted to see and it was written all over their faces. 

The room smelled of warm pasta, mixed with an overpowering aroma of vanilla candles to mask the pasta’s scent. The kitchenette was a mess of pots and pans and various ingredients. Since when did Bucky cook? When did he have the willpower to actually stock his own pantry and then do something for himself? It was Loki's impact that caused him to do so. 

The living area was littered with paints and mixing pans, damp brushes carefully laid out on tissues, and several canvases depicting anything and everything that came to Bucky's mind. Flowers, a fountain, the kingdom of Asgard, and shit - a portrait of Lady Loki busily working a violin. Steve recalled the last time he had attempted to get Bucky to do something creative - fruitless, of course, just as all his other attempts to get Bucky to look forward to doing anything. And yet the opposite occurred with Loki. What was it with the god that was special enough to rouse Bucky's soul, to ignite enough passion and inspiration to allow beauty back into the life of the once broken assassin?

They weren't doing anything bad, no, the two weren't entangled into one another carelessly making love. And maybe it would be better and more forgivable if Steve had seen them in their times of fervent intimacy, but no. It's exactly how Natasha said. Too late - they had developed their own closeness. 

Loki had been showing the blue eyed man a warm stack of freshly printed photographs with a smile previously gracing his and her lovely features. At the same time, Bucky handfed Loki the creamy pasta that they had made together. On the davenport sat several plush toys from their trip to the fair. 

Loki is first to stand, quietly and politely excusing herself from the room to allow the two privacy. Bucky's expression changed as soon as Loki left. His features became stiff, unsmiling, and his eyes showed hostility. Was he simply demonstrating the mercurial attitude he often had, or was this just his typical way of regarding his former closest friend? Of course… He knew the answer to that. Such coldness wasn't unfamiliar to Steve. 

“I'm not here to fight…”

Bucky eyed him with obvious skepticism. “What do you want?” 

“You. I want you. I miss you.” 

Bucky was amenable, perhaps, due in part to Loki's previous interactions with him. But he was cold… soon after Bucky opened his doors to Steve, all of his plans for the night were put aside and they got ready for bed a little too early. As though Bucky would rather end the night than spend time with Steve. And then they settled into Bucky's Loki scented sheets.    
  


* * *

 

Steve awoke. In his line of sight, the first thing visible were glaring red numbers. 

_ 2:36am _

It was warm within the heavy duvet that smelled just like Bucky, but his waist was enveloped in something as cold as ice. He recognized it immediately as the metal limb belonging to his lover and suddenly he came to the realization that he was pressed intimately close to the same body he'd once curled into at times he was frail and deathly ill. Such time felt so distant as if it had occurred a million years ago. He'd nearly forgotten what getting taken care of felt like… Safety and security was a foreign concept to the hero. As was the warmth radiating from Bucky's body. Just the thought of being so near ignited sparks within Steve that set his soul ablaze with life. As the same time, butterflies fluttered within him. Suddenly, there was life in Steve, and all was all right again. Bucky just had that effect on him. 

 

Oh, mercy, when he felt the way Bucky's hand stroked his side and the small of his back, the blonde swooned and would have fallen over had he been planted on his tired feet. Instead, he was in bed, one that was not his own but his lover’s who so carefully caressed his skin. The tender skin of Bucky's fingers cascaded over Steve's him and suddenly he was overwhelmed with such warmth in his heart that swelled and grew. The man before him still cared. The love for him was ever present. He knew just by his touch. Steve met Bucky's eyes - an intense sky blue, with a perfect halo of a darker blue just around the edges, corralling the powerful waves of a stormy ocean. In those stunning eyes, Steve found it at long last. He needn't speak - he just knew. 

Tears sprung into the blonde's eyes. 

Bucky's gentle hand left his side and traced Steve's prominent cheekbone where the tears threatened to spill. 

“I love you.” Bucky murmured, and his rosy lips curled at the ends, exaggerating its luster. 

Steve allowed hot tears to trickle down his cheeks. Hearing the words roll from betwixt those soft lips was truly something else. This was all he'd dreamt of decades upon decades ago. To hear those words meant the world to Steve… 

He didn't want war, he didn't want to win, he didn't want anything else that came with his new way of life and the other things he'd dreamt of. No. All he desired was a future with Bucky, a world of love and security. He cared for nothing more… 

“I love you too..” Steve cried. 

4:54am  
  


Sadly, reality came crashing back down on the blonde, and he found himself waking from a dream to the sound of soft dings. He recognized it immediately and knew where it was emanating from and why. 

Hot tears were still streaming from his features and the harsh truth of it all came rushing right back to him. It was all but another ethereal dream. 

 

They hadn't been arm in arm, professing their love, or gazing in each other's eyes romantically. There was no fervent desire, no chastity of pure love, no impregnable intimacy, no unsatiable want for the others continuity. None of that. 

Not a single glimmer of hope of experiencing such things presented itself to Steve. 

 

What they did have was a space between them. It had to have merely been a foot or two or perhaps even less and yet it felt as though they were miles and miles apart. Bucky felt distant. No matter what physical closeness Steve acquired, Bucky would still be a million miles from him. The man was lost from Steve. Try as he might to reach Bucky, it would all be to no avail. 

 

What was there was coldness - Bucky's back to him as his mind wandered to thoughts of another lover. Did he cherish them? Was he happy to be awake at odd hours, exchanging amorous words to another man at odd hours while he had the gall to lay with another? And all the while, Bucky failed to notice the tears trickling down the blonde's cheeks. Was there truly no care left for Steve? Did he truly treat his best friend with such disregard that he would even consider doing such a thing? Bucky didn't care. He didn't. There was no love for Steve. There were no arms around the blonde, no soft touch, and all that was there was a cold shoulder and neglect. 

  
  


How could the dream have been so tangible? So near? So attainable? He could just as easily wrap his arms around Bucky and tell him those words. And Bucky could do the same. They were right there. But they weren't. And they couldn't. They were nearly there, but not quite. 

He should have died in his sleep where he could live within that moment forever. Where security was a guarantee and there would be no more anxiety, just peace and love that made Steve's heart ache from joy. It would just be him and the soft sheets encasing their warmth. Just the two of them in the bed as they proclaimed their love and spent an eternity of tranquility to convalesce from their war weary past. 

 

But all he got was eternal longing for a man that was his own, but was already too far gone. 

 

Many nights carry on just this way, with he ache of Steve's desire weighing him down, while Steve kneeled before Bucky and practically begged for love, catering to his every whim and fancy, only to be turned away and rejected. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm very much aware that Tom Hiddleston's eyes are blue and not green, and I've mentioned many times that Loki has green eyes in the story, and that's not exactly correct but it's MY story and we shall do it my way. 
> 
> That being said, I'm very proud of myself for pulling 25 chapters out of my ass in such a short span of time and I hope I'll actually be able to finish this and write even more. 
> 
> Maybe I'll learn to outgrow the excessive use of commas. Sometimes I write "word, and" and I KNOW you're not supposed to put a comma, but I tend to use commas where I'd wanna break a certain idea and pause for a second. Bad. 
> 
> Anyway. Hope ya like it! Special shout out to those always leaving feedback ♡   
> I wanna see more people too. Tell me how you like it! Thank you for reading.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Smut. You've been warned. The tags have also warned you.

Steve had lost Bucky a long time ago.

It was way before Loki came into their sordid lives and tore a massive rift into their relationship.

Steve would have done everything to prevent whatever aspect of their life that caused Bucky to suddenly drift from him. He would have given him the world shamelessly and with fervor. He would have put down his shield for Bucky if it meant he would love him again.

He had Bucky. He was still on his side, still officially his, but it did not feel like it. Bucky had slipped from his grasp long ago. What kept him here anymore? It had to be guilt. It had to be the unpayable debt that Bucky owed him for helping him back on his feet, providing him with every physiological need possible and more.  

Then again… they had always been even in the first place. Bucky nursed Steve in the past, and Steve had done the same, there was nothing that Bucky owed. Yeah, he wasn’t exactly expecting something in return. He did it because he loved Bucky. And he would never stop. However, there was only so much that Steve could give. Even the slightest semblance of gratitude was something Bucky did not have to give him. Was it really love? Was it because Bucky had just been too comfortable to let go? Or, perhaps it had something to do with a fear of confrontation. Steve was just grateful Bucky was drawing this out. He feared the nearing day that Bucky would leave him in the dust. Steve was all too aware that one day, he could no longer call Bucky his and one day he would have to return to nights sleeping alone. Their relationship had gone cold long ago, and Bucky slept at the far side of the bed, but it was still some comfort that Steve could call someone his own and wake up to the sight of Bucky’s familiar silhuette. It will hurt when suddenly, he wouldn't be able to give Bucky his all.

For he lived for moments like these.

“ _Open your mouth_.” Demanded a gravely, but empty voice.

Steve did as he was told, and just as he had done millions of times. This was almost routine. The adventure had gone, and Steve was lost trying to frantically find feeling and romance in any of this. After this, he knew Bucky would be withdrawn. He'd seek his other beloved and Steve would be a distant memory.

Still, he couldn't resist as he bit into a roll of leather attached to shiny D rings that held together sturdy straps. He felt it secure behind his head, the awkward new material sitting in his mouth in such a way that made him bear his teeth. He tried as much as possible to keep himself from making a mess by closing his lips around the leather, but it felt strange to force his lips into such a position.

Here he was again - giving his whole to a man that hardly felt for him anymore. He was letting Bucky use him. It felt like a tortuous sentence but Steve wanted to carry this out even if it caused him ache. He was Bucky's and doing this was part of that.

He could hear the click and then the snap, the feeling of a thick liquid dripping down his back in between. Bucky always loved using too much lube. He loved the way it made Steve's back glisten gloriously under whatever light.

Here he was, a bent over effigy of a whore to be disgraced. Bucky would take him from behind without any feelings of love, just rampant animalistic desire of the flesh. And how could Steve hold any contempt?

He had asked for this. Begged for this. He was a fool who sought love in the wrong places.

He wasn't stupid. The sex was to placate Steve until the time came to brush him off. They wanted to wait just a little while longer so Bucky's affair wouldn't seem so blatantly scandalous. They didn't want the breakup to be so abrupt around the time he and Loki had been openly fooling around.

Did he really think he wouldn't recognize Bucky's motives? Was he just too stupid to realize their compromise?

Bucky's hands both flesh and metal spread the oil into his skin, the sensation itself was soft but his hands were heavy. Uncaring.

Every second of this Steve hung on to. It was as though he was trying in vain to memorize every single second from the way things smelt and the very way it felt. All this just in case tomorrow Bucky officially terminated their romantic status.

Not that Bucky would care to take notice. Everything had been a big lie for the longest time.

The silent, stale incense scented atmosphere was interrupted by a sharp, muffled gasp. The bed dipped slightly as Steve jerked at a sudden intruder.

Bucky looked on as Steve tried to back away initially, his small waist curling. Steve brought his firm, bubbly ass back down to Bucky's single metal digit. It hurt, it always hurt. Bucky hardly made love to him and Steve's little hole remained unused and tight. Still, Bucky made no effort to soothe him. He always used to. But Bucky got right to it, shoving more of his hard unfriendly metal fingers into him.

Steve felt immensely unloved. Not that Bucky cared.

It came down to this… _his fist, his kiss…_

Steve took in the extent of his sin. Bucky's metal arm wrapped around the blonde and his neck became entrapped in the crook of his arm. Bucky fucked him with reckless abandon, his hips hitting so violently against Steve that his pounding resonated throughout the dreadful atmosphere of a Steve's lonely suite.

Bucky practically strained to break Steve. “Take it, you little fucking slut. You like this, don't you? This is why you've been such a moody bitch. This is what you fuckin need.”

Steve deserved every agonizing moment of mental torture and the confusion between pain and pleasure. Steve surrendered control. At that very moment he allowed Bucky to take him as his degenerate slut, a meager fleshlight for his pleasure only.

Because at this moment, he was his only. He had Bucky's undivided attention even if it meant it hurt him. Steve was utterly powerless by will. He gave himself to Bucky’s ruthless thrusting. He allowed himself to be overpowered by his weight, his viscous hold, and the ‘love’ that made him feel dirty.

_If I can't have everything, then just give me a taste._

He would give everything for his continuity. But he knew this wasn't love. He had seen the bruises and the giant claw marks. He himself had heard Loki's loud cries of pleasure, his soft mewling… That there was love. Love that Steve did not have nor did he ever. Love that Bucky gave to another man instead. But who could blame Bucky? Loki gave him everything he needed and he didn't need to be violated. Bucky's need for Steve had been replaced.

It seemed to last for hours. It felt like self immolation. The gag was ripped from him so hastily. Steve didn't hesitate - he grew louder for Bucky. He hoped to himself that his _bitch_ could hear every fucking thing. Loki might be fucking him too but Bucky was still **his.**

The time eventually came where Bucky hit his climax, and Steve just _wished_ it would last for hours.

He wanted to feel Bucky's lustful growling vibrating against his chest and Steve's own body. He wanted nothing more than to continue feeling his length violate him from within. Steve wanted to continue calling out his name in blissful pants or even to choke because the arm around his neck was threatening to kill him.

But he couldn't stop the inevitable. He had served his purpose. Bucky shoved deep within Steve and buried his hot seed into the man he once called his lover.

Just as quickly as it happened, Bucky pulled out, leaving a mess between Steve's legs. Steve sighed at the loss of contact. Empty again.

Bucky caught his breath and then brushed his own hair back. Steve felt wandering eyes and suddenly he felt bare, like he needed to cover up.

He could only hope, once again, that those lingering eyes stayed. Because Bucky left him soon after. Guilt was heavy in Steve's heart. How could he just hand himself over to Bucky?

He lay back, respiring deeply. This perpetuity of emptiness would never cease to haunt him.

Steve lay there, sullen, whilst he caught his breath. Just like that, Bucky's continuity was lost. His touch left him a hollow abyss. How could he give up his own soul and dignity for a heart that beat so shallow?

Bucky collapsed onto the bed and called it a night. Steve eyed his back, it's perfectly defined muscles, and the faint scars that Loki's nails had left. There was no use confronting him, Steve thought with resolve.  

He didn't care. Frankly, all he wanted was Bucky's love. He could overlook everything else…

Steve yearned to reach out, he longed for his touch and warmth, to feel his skin against his and achieve the same intimacy they once had, but he knew he wasn't about to get that. Why humiliate himself more than he already had? He'd already turned over the most sacred thing he had to offer to Bucky… why beg for love?

For fear of rejection, Steve chose not to and instead shut his eyes to avoid this reality. He could meet Bucky in a land of hope and dreams. That dream he had nights before… maybe he could have it once again.

He'd awake early the next morning not to the gap between himself and Bucky, but an empty bed and the sheets over his bare skin. A wave of tears struck him. 

He'd wanted what happened last night. He'd asked for it, practically begged for it, but he felt so god damn used. He gave himself to the brunette. He tried to please him. Everything. And yet he still turned away. What did Loki give that Steve didn't? 

He missed his Bucky. He missed his best friend. He missed when he wasn't constantly being betrayed and it was Bucky that did everything in his power to put a smile on his face, and that was all it took to get the man himself to flash him that gorgeous grin. 

But now he brought him tears. Bucky was smiling again... but not for Steve. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this on July 31st but took an extra week to write a small part at the end bc I got lazy.... yike 
> 
> Pls comment pls pls pls


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Really sad I think

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pls gimme comments I worked my ass off on this and it's kinda long and dramatic but hdjslaakkaksla

It was a quiet morning, a cafard aura veiled over Steve from the moment he awoke. Somber was the atmosphere, a certain melancholy enwreathed the blue eyed man. The sky itself was in a state of gloom. Bright blue hues and fluffy clouds had been traded in for dark, desolate skies that bore heavy clouds. It was as if god himself sought to weep and threatened to unleash his sorrows upon the morose world. 

The ghost of his lover’s touch lingered on his skin, undoubtedly haunting the man for months to come. Feelings of fulfilment was fresh on his mind as the pink, welted remnants of last night gradually faded away. It wouldn't be long before such feelings would dissipate, too, and Steve would be left trying to envision what his love felt like and eternally longing for that man. Touch starved, he traced gentle fingers over his own skin, brushing lightly to tease the pale flesh. He coaxed goosebumps from the soft ivory whilst his fingers danced in patterns. Steve sought to replicate what he'd dreamt of many nights before, the very thing he'd silently wished and begged for under the covers of darkness. He caressed his own skin and hoped that he'd still feel him… 

Long forgotten was the love that Bucky once radiated. His laconic lover and their hollow union stole the life out of Steve. In place of love, Bucky chose to leave his lover, broken in shambles. Bucky had always been Steve's strength and willpower. But now there was nothing left and no one to uphold him. He was alone, and desperately so, and he pitied himself as he continued mimicking what was once given to him decades ago. He was deprived. That was what he was. Steve was left hopelessly hollow without Bucky. 

The previous night, he'd surrendered control and pleased Bucky to the best of his abilities. He'd been good. He'd allowed whatever abuse came his way… and the least Bucky could have done was stay until Steve woke up. But of course, who was he kidding, there was no love. He'd been abandoned like a cheap whore. It wouldn't come as a surprise if Bucky left crumpled bills on the able nearest Steve. He must think so little of him.. lying to his face, cheating on him, using him, and neglecting him. He was drowning, utterly alone, when he'd just spent a good few hours with the man just last night. Obviously something wasn't right. 

Steve would have tolerated it. He was still tolerating every stupid thing. From the way Bucky avoided his eyes, to the way Bucky acted like Steve wasn't actually talking to him, and the fucking way Bucky lied to his face… Steve didn't say a god damn thing. No, he didn’t seem to have any verbal qualms to express either when every effort to spark their relationship just exacerbated their current situation. What really hurt was the fact that the man abandoned him to be with Loki…

And he couldn't say they barely knew each other. It had been months. Almost a year, to be exact, and by then they had undoubtedly grew a deep bond. Steve would be history…

What was it about Loki that enticed Bucky? Sure, the guy had charisma. He was a sarcastic royal asshole that had done nothing but trouble from the moment he'd stepped onto this planet. Instead of guilt, he had arrogant sarcasm. He was the type of ostentatious little slut that would flirt with Steve's man right in his fucking face. Tactless. Scandalous. Immature. 

Steve could keep naming names with severe animosity, but what good would that fucking do? He could be bitter all he damn well wanted but that's not going to do any fucking good, now would it?

He wanted to give Bucky whatever Loki gave to him. Whatever Loki could do, Steve could do better. (With hindsight, Steve probably couldn't and  _ will not  _ deliberately turn himself into a woman like Loki could, but you get the gist.) Maybe this relationship was still salvageable… 

Steve dressed in casual, schlocky clothing and proceeded to vacate his suite. Perhaps if he wanted to give Bucky something Loki could offer, he could start by  not dressing like a hobo. It suited him ill. But he didn't care as much at that moment. Clothing wasn't that deep. He could doll up if he truly wanted. Maybe he should. Loki was always gussied up. Bucky could be tired of seeing Steve in sweats? 

God. Fretting over clothing. Since when did it ever matter? He and Bucky were once simple men content without the finer things in life. Neither were particularly temporal. Since when was he suddenly conscious of such things?

It was oddly quiet once he’d stepped out and he assumed that the others were off performing their duties and whatnot. SHIELD’s list of adversaries were extensive. Lots of things posed a threat to lots of other people. People had shit to do. Individually or as a group…

But those individuals didn't include Bucky or Loki. No, they were mere squatters, which is exactly why Thor and Steve owed Stark a great deal for letting these two stay despite their past squabbles and constant butting of heads. Someone ought to let those two earn their keep. Give them missions.

_ Maybe it'll help them stop fucking like rabbits on steroids for five seconds _ . 

But honestly, it probably wouldn't do the two any good. Keeping Loki here where everyone could see him was best. Bucky needed to be excluded from such activities. They were both dangerous…

Still.  _ Something  _ needed to put the two in check, Steve thought as his slow gait led him to thought he door of Bucky's suite. He didn't have a damn plan. If Bucky was in there, they'll talk. If he wasn't, then Bucky's journal would be of use. It was invasive, but Steve had to do something. He couldn't and wouldn't lose that man. If all goes to shit, he could say he wasn't at fault. At the end of it all, he could still sufficiently say he hadn't given up. He wanted to leave it at that. 

Steve gripped the knob and turned it with ease. The door had been left unlocked. But it wasn't enough, was it? No matter what he's done and what he was doing now, it would never be enough. There was always something more that could have been done. Everything just fell short. Still, Steve clung to the delusive phantom of hope. Perhaps there was still a possibility Steve could extenuate whatever animosity he had towards Bucky's infidelity. 

Steve had a feeling that Bucky wasn't there to converse. Light shone from the thin cracks in the doorway, but it was far too quiet. Bucky was either in Loki's room or eating. With Loki. Nevertheless, Steve was determined to find what he was looking for. Conversation wasn't necessary when Bucky kept everything he needed between two leather flaps.

Without a second thought, Steve pushed in, completely uncaring of the notion that he would be violating Bucky's private thoughts and feelings. Such violation was - according to Steve - for the greater good. Just as he had thought, Bucky had gone, and the brown, leatherbound journal sat where it usually was; on his right nightstand. The broad shouldered blonde carefully sat down on the memory foam bed where it dipped slightly from his weight. He took the journal upon his hand and carefully opened the dog eared, bookmarked, book. Its pages were no longer perfectly flat and were spread slightly from months and months of being opened. The very first page had a familiar attachment - a photo of himself in uniform, clad in bright blue and his mask, looking authoritative. It was from the early days that Bucky had won his freedom where he knew not a single thing of himself. The first to return to Bucky was the familiarity of Steve and then knowledge that they were both  _ very  _ close. He didn't know the blonde, but he knew he had to find him. He skimmed past those - he’d seen many of these before. It was invasive, but the blonde had no compunction over going through what lies between those pages. 

Steve went past a good few more sections as he silently noted what those little entries had said. The next few pages outlined things that Bucky  did remember. Those were times during his capture. Memories of missions and training, rampant flashbacks of constantly being beaten and humiliated. How he felt. What he’s done. There were fragmented memories and dreams of his life prior to it all scrawled in frantic writing, cut off, and followed by frustrated and angry rants. Steve caught Bucky in the middle of the night writing. He'd say he had a dream. He wrote it down so he wouldn't forget. But the very memory of such dreams leave him too quickly far too often. Bucky would burst into tears and the journal would sit in front of him, the pen still in his hands, and cried because be just  _ couldn't remember  _ and he felt so broken.

A quarter through and Steve stumbled upon a small passage, one that really stuck with him the morning he had read it.

“I remember stupid shit, the fucking house phone number, my old address... it's all engraved into my memory, but my childhood, who I was, it's all gone. It went by like it didn't happen at all. A huge fragment of my memory isn’t there. One day, I was a soldier. I was an assassin. I was a weapon. And then I wasn’t. And suddenly I'm just me. This. Whatever. I don't have anything to hold onto. No past. No mother, no father, no siblings, no childhood. I didn't grow up. I wasn't born. I never had any schooling. None of that is me because none of that is part of me. I don't know who I am. Was. It doesn't make any sense. But it does.” 

Reading it again made him sigh. Steve remembered exactly where they were and what he had been doing. He'd just woken up. Bucky had finally gone to bed supine between the blankets, and there sat the journal, only about halfway willed with Bucky’s scribbles. Steve reached for it habitually and found the latest entry. It made him realize that there was a good chance that all hope was lost… it was like a good punch in the gut that maybe the caring man he'd thought he'd lost was truly gone. He had a broken shell of what once was, their dreams and aspirations far afield, and there was nothing that showed a promising future. Steve had hoped that maybe it would all come back to Bucky. He clung onto the idea that one day his memories would return and Bucky would be able to foster the same feelings he had for him. Months later, it still hadn't happened, and though he knew that progress and recovery that extensive wouldn't happen overnight, he still wished that his Bucky would return sooner. He missed his sunny smiles and his suave flirting. 

But did that Bucky (his Bucky) exist for Loki, not Steve? 

The blonde sighed as the pages on the right thinned out and he neared the end of the journal. It was only about more or less than half an inch thick yet he still hadn't found what he needed… there didn't even seek to be a mention of the gender bending god’s name. Barely anything about Steve… why wouldn't Bucky include Steve in his private thoughts? These were all bad thoughts… mostly. Maybe Steve didn't warrant his antipathy…

Suddenly, Steve found himself face to face with a very detailed sketch of  wide eyed Loki, done meticulously in pen and marker. It depicted a wide eyed Loki with tears striping his cheeks. The shading was perfect. Dimensions were accurate. The tears showed a certain luster that realistically depicted what tears should look… the eyes had excruciatingly intricate details, the pain in his eyes palpable. Undoubtedly, this image had been burnt into Bucky's mind. He drew it. Obviously it mattered. Obviously, seeing such a broken being impacted Bucky so much that it just had to be engraved into his memory. Loki’s vulnerability affected him so heavily that he was just compelled to make this piece in such haunting detail

This had to be what drew Bucky in. Steve was scrawny and unbelievably sickly. Their lives were riddled with uncertainty - would Steve live to see the next day? They'd never know until Steve was up. Would he make it through that day? Would he be healthy, sick, or have a random asthma attack? Would they be prepared? Their relationship dependent heavily on Bucky constantly doting on his sick lover and worrying over the next dose of so and so. Medication was expensive. Ventolin was hard to come by. Bucky lived to care for Steve. To protect him during their every waking moment… 

Steve never really learned to help himself. It had always been Bucky… He knew what meds he’d need and when. Bucky sooner detected various symptoms than Steve himself realized he he'd nearly lost his mind when he realized he had to care for himself for once and  _ not  _ be dependent. Bucky could have seen the same from Loki, too. Loki showed him vulnerability. Loki was small. Maybe not short, but he was scrawny, and seeing him so broken… well, Steve wouldn't be surprised if the underlying reason why Bucky became attracted to Loki was how fragile he appeared to him. Because big strong macho Steve wouldn't get sick anymore. Because there was someone he could dote on…

Steve marveled at the image for a second longer. Bucky had always been a great artist… he was happy that that part of Bucky was still alive. He flipped the page, though, there was more… 

He finds exactly what he wanted. The next two pages were blank except for ink that had bled through his drawing. 

Bucky spoke of the scurrilous conversation he had upon meeting Loki. What he saw in him. Immediate affixation. And then, sex. Followed by a good summary of shit they've done for the next five days that Steve hadn't been home. Then, the next passages were of inner conflict… 

“Steve doesn't deserve this… I'd be lying if I said I didn't care. He acted like we weren't together, and I thought at the back of my mind that hey, if shit’s like this, then maybe it's alright. There wouldn't be anything to lose. And it wouldn't hurt as much… but as soon as he got back he just _had_ to decide he wanted to try. He loves me and I can see it. I don't know if I love him.”

The blonde didn't bother reading the rest of that passage. He was sure that the rest of it would vilify him as a person and disparage their whole relationship. The perusal of such succession of words would only prove to hurt Steve. He knew what was wrong. There was no use in hearing what Bucky would have to say.

But he wanted answers, didn't he? 

Steve sighed and turned the page. There could be more. But he didn't want to read whatever else would follow  _ that  _ particular sentence.   
  


 

“ _ I don't know if I love him. _ ” 

But he needed it. He wasn't ready to read it, but he's got to. Steve tore it out and neatly folded the paper into a tiny square. He proceeded to shove inside the pocket of his sweatpants with the promise to read it when he was ready but he knew he never would be. 

The next pages were all about how in love they both were, what they've done, and just how utterly captivated he was by the god. There were three colored, printed pictures wedged between the pages. The first one was an image of Loki, slouching in one of Bucky's dark brown wicker chairs. The god seemed exhausted, but his eyes were bright and happy. Over his stomach lay his scarred forearm, and upon closer inspection, a frown creased the snooping man’s features. Loki self harmed. There were scars new and old. It was definitely humanizing. This god… wasn't just a god. He really had feelings. He hurt. He suffered. Suddenly, Loki wasn't just the alien asshole. He was just like everybody else. And he was exhausted from life's trials, this much was clear. In his other arm was a dark bottle of beer, halfway through, and there were many more sitting upon the glass table between Loki and Bucky. 

The next image was something commonly referred to as a selfie. Steve didn't know much of today's terminology, but he knew enough. He flipped to the next image. They both radiated pure glee, something that just seemed so uncharacteristic for the two. Bucky was never this happy around him. A small part of Steve wanted to be happy to see even in a photograph the cute way the skin around Bucky's eyes wrinkled and the precious way he crinkled his nose as he laughed. Next to him was the same man that once corralled innocent men and women and attempted to subjugate them, turned to the side to expose his portrait. Loki had his lips puckered and pressed proudly against Bucky's cheek. Steve couldn't give that kind of love and joy to Bucky anymore. This affair wasn't based on carnal desire. Not spite. It was pure, and Bucky and Loki truly loved each other. Happiness was mutually given and received. Steve sighed and placed the selfie at the back of the small stash, revealing the final photo. This one was intimate, a lot more passionate, and probably way more private. Why on earth Bucky would have entrusted anyone to develop it was beyond Steve. But it was there.

It was an image of their bare bodies pressed against one another. The room was dark, but the flash of the camera made their bare skin glisten. Their faces were cut out and all that was visible were their entangled limbs and their shape. Steve could make out a pair of ample breasts, her curvaceous form, and Bucky's muscular torso. His pelvis was hidden by Loki's shapely thighs. 

God.

He wanted to burn them, crumple them, or throw them the fuck away. Steve was out here being miserable, clinging onto something that wasn't there, while Bucky went out of his way to love someone else so strongly. There was nothing Steve could do to give that man the same spark that Loki gave him. At that moment, he knew that all hope was lost. There was nothing to save. He doesn't do anything to the pictures. He puts them where they came from carefully and neatly. 

The writing became neater as Steve progressed through it. Suddenly, there were inspired little paragraphs of short poetry. There were more doodles and even games of tic tac toe, and different penmanship. Even in his journal, Loki has some sort of influence. Meanwhile, Steve failed to hold his attention. Failed to acquire his love. Steve shook his head, took a picture of the rest of the pages, shut it, and quickly fled the room. At that point, he hardly knew why he was there. Whatever it was, he didn't find it, maybe he did or he didn't, maybe he found what he  _ truly _ needed. But he couldn't process anything. Those words weighed heavily on him…

Not once in his lifetime did he ever think that he would ever be hearing those words come out of Bucky. Specially not pertaining him. Life was indeed cruel. The man that knew every inch of Steve and every secret hiding in the dark crevices of his soul suddenly became stranger to him. Bucky knew Steve more than he knew himself. Shit, the man could predict how Steve would act even before Steve thinks. By some sick, twisted turn of events, Bucky didn't even know if he loved him anymore. 

They were  soulmates.

They were supposed to live together in their decrepit little apartment, struggle, cry, laugh, and love, grow old… together. It was the only thing Steve could have ever relied on - Bucky's continuity. He was never meant to go on his separate way… when Bucky came into his life, they both knew that there was no exit. They would be inseparable. But now, the opposite was true. Their reality was far from that. Bucky found someone better. It was only a matter of time before they've reached their terminus and Bucky finalized the notion that yeah, he didn't actually love Steve. 

He wasn't sure why, but Steve's feet carried him straight into Loki’s room. It was comfortable and neat, regal in a sense, but nothing all too fancy. Loki had made it home and threw in his own personal touch. The whole suite carried a gorgeous theme of blacks and greens. Books lined several shelves, framed photographs sat on decorative tabletops, and, at the corner of the room, there were figurines from random gift shops they've gone to. On the barren wall were dried or drying canvases leaning against it. A music stand stood in front of the olive green loveseat where a hard plastic case with a red velvet interior sat ajar. The violin was placed precariously sideways over the velvet material.

Steve wandered silently, unsure of why he even thought to be here. There were more photographs displayed on matching frames. Some were taken in the city. Some were from the fair. Some were just from here. There were pictures of Loki alone, with Thor, with Bucky… 

Steve didn't have that. He envied Loki, truly, because Loki still had a small part of his family. He’d have pictures now, too. Loki alone had the light of Bucky's love. He just got here and he was already getting comfortable and making this place home. He was adjusting well. The blonde silently slipped into Loki's beautiful room after examining every little picture. The bed was huge and heavy, fit for someone like Loki. Gorgeous silks hung off the carved columns of the canopy bed, draped elegantly in lovely curtains. The bed itself was the epitome of luxury and comfort. This must be where they conducted fervent escapades. This was where Bucky spent nights between her thighs, their limbs entangled and their lips so passionately clasped together. Must have been a beautiful way to forget all about his other man. 

On the twin bedside tables were more frames. The largest one was a picture of the two beaming at the camera before a large, colorful ferris wheel, flashing brightly of pinks and blues. He had an arm proudly around Loki's small waist, silently proclaiming that they were definitely together. Loki was grinning as he held the biggest teddy bear in his arms. Bucky had a balloon tied to his left arm and he also had a whole bouquet of blue cotton candy. Next to the golden frame was stack of candid photographs, too cute not to develop, but not good enough to hang. A scrapbook would do them well. He went through these, picture by picture, and sighed. The thought of losing him was starting to become something that he could succumb to. Bucky's happiness would depend on this. And his own. 

By the time he got through half of it, he knew for sure that there was no way he could rival Loki. He was inconsequential compared to him. What they had was in the past and there was no way they'd become close again. Any attempt to get him back would prove to be futile, another thorn in Steve's side. He doesn't want to embarrass or hurt himself any longer. If he wasn't wanted.. what good would it do to keep holding on?

Behind him stood Loki, curiously watching this man scan the pictures. He didn't seem to be galvanized by what he saw. Had it been Loki who found such photos, the capricious green eyed one would have unquestionably committed some sort of atrocity. Be it crime or a volatile bitch fit. But no, Steve's shoulders slumped, and he seemed to be calm. Saddened, but calm. 

Loki shifted his weight onto his other foot and caused the floor to creak slightly. Steve gasped and snapped his head towards Loki. At first, he seemed saddened still, but his face quickly changed, his own blue orbs turning venomous. Steve arose and sauntered towards Loki, who neither flinched nor backed away. First and foremost, he was a fighter. And yeah he got his ass kicked, but he'd do well to a grudge match against Steve if the blonde wanted it. 

“Steve.” Loki said assertively, but his voice carried a mellow tone. “We needn't engage in any form of bravado… What did you come here for?” 

Steve stopped short in his tracks, a few feet away from Loki. He was a she as of now. His tenacity came rushing right back to him now that he stood face to face with the woman he would be surrendering Bucky to. It doesn't matter what that fucking journal had to say. It didn't matter how happy they were together. Bucky was  _ his.  _ And he wasn't about to give any of that up. Fine. Bucky couldn't remember? Then they'll make new memories. Fuck Loki. Fuck him and his self mutilation. He can feign weakness all he wanted. He was nothing but a murderous asshole, and Steve would  never let his man fall into the hands of someone like him no matter how much Loki bought his affection by crying. 

Fiercely, Steve hissed right at the taller woman. He pushed Loki into a wall and slammed his hand into it, pinning Loki with an arm barring him from passing. Loki’s own eyes darkened as she felt the man's hot breath on her skin. Had he no compunction over treating a woman with such hostility? Loki thought him to he a hero. One with such title shouldn't do.. well… this? Steve seemed unbothered. He's kicked his ass before. He'll do it again. Female or not. He knew Loki as a male, not a lady. This was another illusion, some sort of front, and he wouldn't actually fight a true woman. Loki wasn't scared, it seemed, because she stood unfazed. She didn't squirm but instead shot an indignant glare down at Steve. 

“I came here to tell you to fuck off. He's _mine.”_ Steve growled and put emphasis on exactly what was his. 

If she could force herself to yawn, she would. “As expected. Of course. You've delivered your banal statement. What more do you have for me?” 

Loki pushed past Steve way too easily and confidently moved to sit on her bed. The way she walked was haughty and proud - her hips swung and her feet carried her on in a graceful, straight line. She definitely knew how to carry herself. Ladylike. Steve stood there, unable to think just how to answer this. Perhaps he lacked conviction?

“Is he truly really yours?” Loki asked as her legs crossed over the other. She brushed her hair out of her eyes to look into his, calculating, contemplating. The woman who stood before him was right. Those the rang through Steve's thoughts once more, reverberating against his skull the same way church bells rang. Bucky didn't know if he loved Steve or not. 

He quickly abolished such thoughts. That was his thing. Loki was a master manipulator. There wasn't anyway Steve would believe Loki wasn't trying something. 

“If… you cared.” Steve sighed. “Then you'll stay away.” 

“What have I done that warrants such a statement? Was it you, not I, that brought equanimity into Bucky's life? Was it you that brought heavenly smiles upon his lips? Did you put the stars in his eyes, or was it me?” Loki leaned back and stared right at him. “Must I remind who that it is I who brings him happiness? Certainly not you. And if you truly were after Bucky's wellbeing… you would know what is good for him. He loves me and is only truly happy in my company. You have seen all you needed to. Do you concur?” 

He was right. Per verbatim. Steve was an honest man. It wasn't in his nature to lie… Loki was the one who gave Bucky happiness. Steve would yank his heart from its hole and serve it in a silver fucking platter but Bucky would leave it for the dogs. He'll pull the stars from the sky one by one, bare handed, to see Bucky's eyes sparkle again, but it wasn't him who was able to do that. 

“Dare not deceive yourself.”

“You know it in your heart when it is time to let go. It will be in your best interest if you'd leave Bucky to me. Free yourself of the burdens and confines of this relationship. It is time.” 

The lady before him leaned in. And she softened her tone. This was the man that brought her love to her. This was the man that part of Bucky loved. That part may have died long ago, but who was Loki to treat the man scornfully? He was still Bucky's friend and lover. 

She was merely being honest. She had no hidden motives. No malicious intent to manipulate Steve into bringing their relationship to an end. But somebody had to say it. This was killing both of them.

“Tell me, Steve… you feel it, too. Don't you?” 

He couldn't say no. Frankly, Loki wasn’t wrong at all. Facts were facts. Instead, he cast his eyes downwards, and allowed a small puff of a sigh escape his lips. “And leave him to you?"

Loki looked down and mumbled, “Yes.”

She would take care of him and make Bucky happy in ways that Steve no longer could. 

“You will never be good enough.” he lied. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank youuuu for sticking around and reading 5k words in this chapter alone!!! It's been really dragging in this story, I apologize, and for that I thank every single one who takes time out of their hectic scedules to engage in a very long perusal of this shitty book. 
> 
> Special thanks to those always commenting. It's very uplifting to see that people actually care lol ily all


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dedicated to Vampyvet. I appreciate your feedback so, so much! 
> 
>  
> 
> Slightly heavy chapter? If executed well enough it might be?

The sheets of Bucky's bed were replaced with fresh linens and a newer, heavier black duvet. The moment Loki so much as mentioned that Steve came into her room, Bucky took her right home. He wasn't going to allow anyone the chance to hurt Loki, verbally or not. The lady wasn't given a chance to protest. So now, she sat on the chair next to his bed, sitting in a pink silk robe while her green ones washed. She had her feet wrapped in plastic and some sort of mask to help soften them while the rest of her body had been lathered in bath oils and then lotion. Her hair also had a mask in it. 

“So, what happened?” He finally questioned. 

“I found him… in my room. He was looking through our pictures. And then I moved, he heard me, and he came right up to me.” Loki was careful with his words. He didn't want Bucky to distrust him by making him think she was manipulative. She was, but Bucky didn't deserve deception. 

Bucky eyed her. “What did he say?”

“Nothing. As per usual he told me to stay the fuck away. It was an atypical meeting, went just as one should expect, but it wasn't bad, no.”

Bucky shoved a pillow into a burgundy pillowcase. Loki scrunched his nose at such color and Bucky immediately just switched it for a nice friendly black pillowcase. “You're giving nothing away. Come on, did you punch the guy? You're not in trouble.”

Loki chuckled. “As interesting as that would be… no.” 

Loki jumped into bed, taking a naked pillow into her arms. “Come on, are you done? Let's get to bed Buck.” 

He groaned and took it right back. “Not if you tell me first. What happened?” 

“I assure you, it is not of concern. Now, please, join me…” Loki waggled her eyebrows as a playful grin spread across her face. “Am I not pretty? Wouldn't you like to bed me?” 

Her lover couldn't help but grin slightly. He threw a pillow at her grinning self with equal playfulness. “You are the most beautiful ever to grace this universe. But not now. You're not telling me everything."

Loki took the pillow and placed it gingerly inside a pillowcase. “Alright. What I said was true. He was very brief about it. He told me to stay away and promptly absconded.” 

“He didn't do anything? He didn't hurt you? No name calling? Nothing?” 

Loki shook his head. It really wasn't all that serious. Steve shoved him up the wall and though it was quite contrived, he barely was a posing threat to Loki. “He told me to stay away. But there wasn't an ultimatum or threat. That's all.”

Bucky raised an eyebrow, and Loki sighed. 

“That and may have slightly told me that I wasn't good enough but that doesn't matter. He was civil. It could have been worse.” 

Bucky nuzzled Loki. “You know it isn't true.”

“Yes I know… Good night my love.” Bucky took Loki's face into his hands and kissed her. He held her until she fell asleep and then he sat up and reached for the journal. One thing he wouldn't ever want to forget was the fact that Steve went into Loki's room, too. Snooping. Going behind his back to talk to Loki. Why? He wasn't convinced that was the rest of the story. 

But it wasn't facing the right direction. It was face down unlike how he usually left it. Bucky knew right away that Steve had also gone through his stuff. It wasn't a new concept. The lil fucker always went into his journal. The first time he did, Bucky watched from the doorway of his latrine as still and silent as he could. From then on, private thoughts stayed private thoughts. Memories were what he wrote down. He didn't write much about people he encountered or what he thought of them. But then, Loki came, and suddenly he wrote about her. He wasn't sure why but he felt the need to have exact dates and memories of what he felt about her… maybe, subconsciously, he hoped that one day, Steve would see. 

And he finally found it.

Bucky flipped through pages. Those three pictures were still there, upside down, but all there and in tact. And then there was a whole page missing, ripped out, and Bucky knew exactly what it was. Every single word on that page was against Steve. The cat was out of the bag. Whatever he was keeping hidden before wasn't a secret any longer. At least he spared himself an awkward conversation of having to tell Steve the truth. He knew it all now. Of course, he knew that he'd to come face to face with the man he'd given the kiss of betrayal to.   
  


* * *

 

The day after Steve's shitty morning after, he awoke ready to make his own life fucking miserable. It doesn't slip from his mind that he still had that page in his pocket. He spent the whole day yesterday palming it, a hand shoved down his pockets and toying with the soft crumpled paper within it, contemplating the possible contents written on it. He knew it couldn't be good. 

As he recalled, it began with, “Steve doesn't deserve this… I'd be lying if I said I didn't care. He acted like we weren't together, and I thought at the back of my mind that hey, if shit’s like this, then maybe it's alright. There wouldn't be anything to lose. And it wouldn't hurt as much… but as soon as he got back he just _had_ to decide he wanted to try. He loves me and I can see it. But I don't know if I love him.” 

Steve paused at the end of that sentence. He lurked over it, his eyes absolutely refusing to move on to what lies between the next two periods. Amidst these letters and spaces were honest, private thoughts of his lover and how he didn't regard him the same way Steve did. It was minutes before Steve willed himself to pry his eyes from the last sentence.

> “I'm supposed to. But I never did. Not me, not now. Years ago probably when I wasn't who I am now. That's what he said and that's  what he hung on to. I don't remember what it felt like to love him. And at first I tried, I really did, because I owed it to him for loving me  _ that  _ much to bring me back after all these years. But I can't bring myself to feel the same way. At first I was scared that something was wrong with me. At first I believed I was incapable of love and that HYDRA took it all away from me. But then I met Loki and something in me changed and I proved myself wrong. Suddenly I was smiling and it was like I was seeing color for the first time… I didn't get that with Steve. I don't think I will. Steve isn't worth it. Staying isn't. I have no love for him and as far as I know, I will never love him. They said that absence makes the heart grow fonder but when he was away, I didn't miss him. I didn't feel anything. I didn't care. Antipathy makes me an asshole and I feel like a fucking monster but I seriously have no feelings for him. Loki told me it isn't abnormal and I agree, but that doesn't make me a better person. Leaving him would break his heart and fuck I've broken him enough. Still, the best thing to do is be honest with him and myself. I can't keep going on like this and lying to Steve just isn't fair. I tried it. I gave it a shot. I'm leaving him.” 

By then, Steve was in tears. Why did Bucky feel the need to draw it out for so long? They've wasted so much time… and for so long, Steve made a fool of himself. So much time and energy was wasted on trying to at  _ least  _ get Bucky to smile. They could have just moved on. Both of them. Bucky could have been happy with that wench and Steve would be… happily miserable? At least he wouldn't be bullshitting himself. With hindsight, he already fucking knew all this. He didn't need to be slapped in the face with irrefutable evidence because he fucking knew. Steve was just a massive schmuck. There was no hope to hold on to. He can't cling to a one sided relationship hoping to mend a man he watched die. The Bucky he knew fell off a train. He watched his eyes as he accepted the cradle of death and no longer held an arm out to grasp at an invisible rope. It was over long ago.

 

* * *

 

Loki lay supine atop his daybed, books strewn across from him. Loki helped Peter with his US Government homework. The boy was beyond proficient in his studies, but something about these big terms and different branches and mindsets easily gave Peter a nice headache. 

So, Loki drew a diagram for him after brief perusal. He was a prince. What better person to approach than Loki, someone directly involved with a government. Not their government but  _ a  _ government. It helped. Plus, Loki had already read a great deal of Peter's textbooks. 

Peter heard a great deal of things. Mostly from Tony - the man loved to talk, and Tony heard it from Clint who heard it from Natasha. Apparently, Steve wasn't actually incompetent and knew right from the start that something was happening between the pair. Shit wasn't exactly frivolous enough to keep everyone from talking. Peter kept what he saw to himself, however. Mr. Loki needed a friend even if he was doing well.. this. Peter knew misery when he saw it. Loki must've just been lonely. He's doing better as of late. 

“Mr. Loki?” Peter asked. 

“Yes, my dear?” Loki asked. He flipped to his stomach and pulled a blanket over himself. 

“You're still talking to Bucky?” Peter questioned gently. 

Loki sighed. “People are talking about it now..” Added the boy. 

“Oh, I am sure they are. What scurrilous claims have you heard?” as Peter spoke of the gossip he'd heard, Loki's phone lit up to a tiny grey banner bearing Bucky's name. 

“Hey, baby, Steve wants to spend the night I'm sorry. We'll have to cancel our date. He took a page from my journal. It's not gonna go too well.”

 

* * *

 

The raven haired lady dressed in a hoodie and black pants. Simple, but she had nothing to dress for. Bucky would be dining with Steve. The only man she cared to impress was not available. And, Peter had gone home come 6pm. An hour had gone by and dinner time was approaching. 

God, if he could, Loki wouldn't go down there. Unfortunately, he'd cooked the rest of his groceries and he wouldn't be able to spend time at Bucky's because Steve wanted him. He didn't have time to shop for anything and he didn't want to order takeout. He might as well just go downstairs. Spend time with his brother, at least. So, Loki head out after brushing her hair. The walk there was long of course and on her way out many doors opened and went the same route to the dining room. Loki slowed his gait so as not to be too close.

Wanda, Vision, and then also Clint came out and almost immediately they were side eying Loki. She did the best he could to ignore it…

But as they spoke amongst themselves in whispers and constantly turned their heads to look back at her, Loki knew for sure that they were speaking of her. She didn't want to cause any trouble. Yes she could easily fight them, verbally and physically, but what good would that do? She's an outsider. Not just here but also in this planet. She didn't belong in the same realm. In fact, there was nowhere she truly belonged to. Not Asgard. She wasn't from there and had always been ostracized. Definitely not of Jotunheim for she had been cast out. There was no place for Loki. She was here merely to survive. Where else would she go? She'd rather not be evicted. For all she'd caused in this realm, she's lucky she had a roof over her head.

But why did it matter? Yes, she understood the gravity of her own actions. But none of these people were particularly innocent. Natasha worked for the KGB and HYDRA (essentially, but not intentionally) and killed countless people. Clint was also an assassin. Wanda worked with HYDRA and then Ultron. Tony almost brought about the apocalypse by bringing life to Ultron. Lest we forget that he manufactured weapons of mass destruction. Then, Bucky had the same blood on his hands. Steve was an ass for trying to get him back, too. Why did Loki deserve their scrutiny? Why must he be subjected to this?

He arrived soon after the three entered the dining hall. Everyone went silent and turned right to him. Loki looked down immediately and scurried off to grab his plate and sit right next to Thor, hiding behind his broad form. 

She ate as quietly as she could while Thor continued to overshadow him with sunny smiles and jovial humor. She hated it before, but the unchanging nature of things proved to be some sort of advantage at least at that moment. Nobody minded Loki. 

Well, until Steve and Bucky's shouting became too loud to ignore. Suddenly, all eyes were on Loki again and she became flustered. Thor placed his big hand over her small shoulder, concerned, but she looked away. If looks could kill, she'd be a goner. Even Thor knew what they were thinking. 

Her fault. 

She was a homewrecker. A whore. A mistress. Whatever nasty name she could think of definitely applied to her. The room got smaller and smaller. Everyone's looking. It's all her fault. 

The room began to spin. 

They started talking again. Mumbling. No doubt about her of course. 

“DO YOU STILL LOVE ME?!”

“I DON'T.” Yelled another muffled voice. Everyone present winced. 

Loki left abruptly. 

 

* * *

  
  


Tension spread like a wildfire as silence prominently hung over them. Dinners like this usually were spent the same way with not a single word spoken between the two. It was routine. Yet, somehow, something was definitely brewing between them. Steve catches Bucky's eyes on him more than once and Bucky also finds him staring. Fuck, he'd much rather spend his time with Loki. He usually always just spent time with him during dinner. 

Steve spoke up. “Something on your mind?” he asked over the sound of their utensils clattering against the plate. 

Bucky's eyes flickered up at him, darkened, as if to say he'd rather not be here and didn't want to engage. “Do you?” 

Steve was struck just like a match and burned like one. He's fucking sick of it. Seeing him glare, seeing him be so dodgy… he's fucking had enough. But he didn't have it in him to fight the brunette. At least, he would rather not.

“Why? So I could watch you fucking sneer at me? No thank you.” Steve shoved chicken into his mouth and sliced the white meat for another forkful. 

The brunette scoffed and placed both of his palms against the table. He held a shiny fork and knife in each hand. “No. Go ahead. Say what you gotta say so we can get this shit over with.”

‘This shit?’ What? The lying, the cheating, or the fact that he had no love for Steve? And that he “Never did?” Steve was fuming by then. He made him this meal because he loved him and  _ still  _ wanted to forgive him despite all he'd caused. He wanted to bond with him over a warm meal, but no matter what he did, Bucky shat on all his efforts and gave his love to some wench he'd barely met. 

Bucky stared him down the entire time Steve attempted to keep his composure. There he fucking goes again with that god forsaken cold look on his face. 

“Well?” he taunted. Steve twitched. 

“Got something in mind? Tell me. I got somewhere to be after this.”

Steve shot up so hastily that the table shook and his chair flew a good few feet. His eyes were something fierce, and all the composure he'd tried to maintain flew right out of the window. 

“I DEFENDED YOU. I RISKED EVERYTHING FOR YOU. EVERY SINGLE DAY I'M PUTTING YOU BEFORE MYSELF BECAUSE I WANT YOU TO JUST  _ LOVE  _ ME BUT YOU DON'T! YOU DON'T FUCKING LOVE ME AND I GIVE YOU EVERYTHING I FUCKING CAN!” 

“EVERY GODDAMN DAY I GOTTA STARE AT THAT FUCKING LOOK ON YOUR FACE. SO FULL OF DISDAIN AND RESENTMENT. THAT COLDNESS. ALWAYS SO ANNOYED.”

Steve's breath hitched a little when he realized how much he was yelling. Bucky sat there, stunned, with a grim expression. Steve was really at his melting point and it took everything in him to keep his inhibitions in check and not completely lose his shit. But he was already talking. If he could just tone it down… maybe they'll get shit done. 

“I know you're hurting and I wish I could take that away and shield you from the knowledge that you've done what you've done but that doesn't change the fact that I'm here! I'm hurting too! And I can help if you'd just let me because I love you! And you love me!” Steve's voice grew weaker and his lip trembled. 

What fool was he? Bucky didn't love him. 

Yeah, no, not when he fucking sat there with seething contempt written all over his face. Because what did his past have to do with anything? 

Steve looked to him, ready to crumble, and there clearly was no rush to give him even the most banal affirmation. He didn't care to… the blonde’s face became streaked with hot tears and he looked away. “Do you?” He mumbled under his breath. Instead of an answer, Bucky continued to eat the rest of his food. 

Steve winced. “Do you love me, James?” he questioned, this time louder, and his voice shook.

His response was silence whilst he raised his fork between his lips. Bucky looked down and cut his chicken up. “Please. Answer me, please.” beseeched the blonde. More and more tears poured from his eyes and his chest swelled with heartache. The answer was clear. Why couldn't Bucky just fucking say it to his face?! A few seconds of silence passed and Bucky continued to ignore him until Steve slammed his hands down upon the table. His plate bounced and a few morsels landes on the wood.

Steve became more demanding. “Say. Something.” he hissed through gritted teeth. Still, no response. He was making a damn fool of himself. Bucky's chest rose and fell, his eyes darkening. He kept them to the ground. 

“SAY SOMETHING!!” Steve finally yelled and slammed harder on the wooden surface. It and their dinner came crashing down. The table broke in half, the plates smashed, and their food and drinks wound up everywhere. Bucky finally stood up, eye to eye, ready to fight. He shoved Steve in the chest. “What the hell is your problem??!!”

“I'M ASKING YOU A FUCKING QUESTION!! DO YOU LOVE ME?” 

Steve's raised voice impelled him to scream right back. “I DON'T!”

“I DON'T FUCKING LOVE YOU AND I NEVER DID!” He roared. 

All the air left Steve's lungs and he stood back in grim shock. It was one thing knowing it. Reading it was another. But to hear the words spill right from Bucky's lips…

Steve erupted into angry tears. He looked down and caught his hands start to shake. The very feet he stood on became unsteady and he felt absolutely heavy but just as weightless. He could pass out at any given moment. 

“You know… we could have… we could have made something of this. I… I-I could have forgiven you. We could have gotten over any other obstacle… but you…” Steve tilted his head and his lip trembled. Bucky eyed him up and down, the way his forehead twitched and the way he blinked rapidly, but he wasn't holding any tears back. They were allowed to fall freely. Bucky looked away as his eyes bore into his, red and swollen. 

As soon as he did, Bucky jumped and flinched. “YOU LIED TO ME!!” Sobbed Steve. 

He ran right up to him and instinctively Bucky grabbed for a knife that wasn't there. He found himself pinned to the wall but doesn't lunge. He gripped Steve's biceps to pull him off but found himself being slammed into a wall repeatedly. The air is knocked right out of him and for a second, Bucky couldn't think. 

He brought his knee up to Steve's chest out of reflex and quickly moved away. Steve crumpled over but he sat right up. “I LOVED YOU! YOU LIED! YOU LIED!!”

“HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME? I GAVE YOU EVERYTHING I HAD AND YOU… YOU CHEATED! YOU BETRAYED ME!” 

“WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME ANYMORE? WHY?”

Steve sat back down on the chair he was on and buried his own face in his hands. Bucky fiddled with the hem of his shirt. He didn't know how to act or what to do. Sorry would have made for a  _ grand _ start but he couldn't imagine himself speaking such words. Was it his fault that Steve clung on to ghosts of a nonexistent past? He knew right from the start that Bucky didn't remember… shit, when he found him, he didn't know his own name. God, what the hell? Apathy… really? 

Bucky wanted to comfort him at the very least, but he hardly moved an inch. What was he to do? 

He wanted to feel  _ something _ and it scared him that he didn't. There was no guilt or shame. He didn't know how to place himself and act. Bucky shifted foot to foot.

Steve sobbed his heart out and fell apart right in front of him while he stood idle. Right then, it couldn't have been any more apparent that this was not the man he fell in love with. If it were, he would have been in his arms the moment the thought of crying occurred to him. “You and I… we were supposed to be together forever… you were s-supposed to love me.” 

“I don't…” Bucky mumbled, but gently. Why lie? The truth was out… He deserved the truth, right? 

Steve stiffened, but just as quickly his shoulders slumped right back down again. “Get out…” 

Bucky turned on his heel and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So how was this? 
> 
> I'm not so sure about it. Thank to everyone still reading! Twenty eight chapters and things are *barely* starting to go the right way. Oof. 
> 
> Special thanks to those commenting. 
> 
> Even if you don't have AO3, I'd greatly appreciate it if you cmoment still. There's an option for guests to leave comments and kudos. 
> 
> Also, has anyone on here been approached to do a survey on their experience in the Stucky fandom? It came from someone named Matthew in the Loyola university or college or something. I Googled it and found nothing, I found the guys facebook and it seems legit but it's still so sketchy. What kind of college wants to know about.... us? Lol


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning but your probably don't need that because as a responsible reader you should have read tags

Steve wasn't sure how. He wasn't sure why. But he caught himself in tears, standing before Bucky and Loki, all equally stunned at what was unfolding before them. The only thing in his blurred line of sight were a mess of limbs; his own and Bucky’s. The only thing that made sense was his desperation to keep hold of the cool metal and soft skin within his grasp. He hadn't held on before and he lost him once… Steve wasn't about to let him slip away this time. His chest was so tight as sobs wracked his body. It was getting harder to breathe, the muscles in his face tightened and burned, and the corners of his vision blurred so much that he could hardly.

Bucky stood with grim shock as Steve's knees buckled and those hands slid downwards.

“Please, please!” Steve cried. He knelt before Bucky and beseeched, “Don't leave me!”

“Love me, please! You're the only thing I have left! Stay with me, Buck!” The mighty captain wailed and gasped. “I need… I need you..”

Neither Bucky nor Loki knew how to react.. they were mortified. The man knelt before them was reduced to a sniveling mess. For Loki… he felt all sorts of shame for Steve, Bucky, and _especially_ for himself. He was the reason why a man of such prominence was down on his knees and pleading for the return of the same person Loki stole from him..

“Steve, get up.” Bucky urged and pulled the man up. “I'm sorry.”

Steve stood at his full stature, but again his knees buckled. Bucky held him up and Steve's breath hitched for a second. That's right. He's sorry because he never loved him. And he's making a damn fool of himself for the umpteenth time. “Steve.” Bucky said again.

Oh, that's right. What was he doing, lying to himself? There wasn't the slightest glitter nor phantom of hope that this heartless bastard would find it in himself to love Steve. He knew because he searched every crevice in his heart and found nothing. He's been there and felt the emptiness in his touch, the absence in his presence. Then, what was he doing, reeking of bourbon?

Spineless.

Nothing fucking mattered. Everything Steve fought for was a lie and technically, he was a criminal and not a hero. There wasn't anything to fight for anymore. The man that he loved was gone…

Steve stood in the shower for hours with his head pressed against the wall. Cold water ran down his body and bit into his skin. His body became numb and he shivered to the point that he became reduced to shallow breaths. His situation was akin to a resignation of life, come what may, because he literally didn't care what happened. His head throbbed and ached from how long he's had the water on. Steve knew for sure that when he'd come out, his nose would be extremely runny, almost watery. If not, he'd have a fever. And if he did have a fever, he had an excuse to stay in and hide away. However, his immunity could get in the way of that. Honestly, he didn't know, if anything he'd just have a runny nose.

The only time he moved was to turn the minimalistic silver knob jutting out of the white stone wall of his shower. Cold streams were abruptly cut short by blistering heat that made Steve jump at first. Pools of ice and scalding water made his feet feel all sorts of things. As steam arose and misted the room in blurred light greys, Steve's body stopped being numb. He lathered himself in soaps that made the skin soft and he rinsed. The shower shut off and he moved on to the separate tub, filling it. He wrapped himself in a fresh, white towel, but left his body dampened. As if on autopilot, he got his Gillette razor out, put on some shaving cream, and rid himself of his sparse stubble. The blonde man’s movements were empty, almost robotic. What he felt and saw seemed as though it were a separate reality. His mind was far afield. So it wasn't any wonder that as he glided the razor along for his last stroke, he managed to cut himself. A sharp gasp interrupted the gloomy silence of the room. He whipped his razor into the sink and a mound of shaving cream went right into the ceramic sink. The small opening gave him a dull sting, faint, but ever present.

Crimson beads formed upon a fine line across his strong jawline. It was barely noticeable and likely would not scar, but it was there. As he examined the cut, he caught his own eyes in the mirror. He was still there. Alive and real. And he was stuck in this inescapable reality that he just knew would suffocate him eventually. How long would he have to subject himself to another atrocious bout of depression? Day after day. Days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months. Time flies by and what will he have to keep him frown downing in his sorrows? Steve had no family. The people around him could hardly count for friends. The only thing that gave him drive was truly gone… everything was meaningless.

He could keep fighting, but he was tired of that. That was the only thing left that gave his existence any worth and even then, all he had was false hope…

He and Bucky died years ago.

He could only hope that he could inflict some sort of pain on Bucky… some form of revenge.. _anything_ to pull him out of the stupid apathy he had. Steve was hurting. Bucky wasn't because he just didn't care. Steve deserved so much more… Bucky should have been the one on his knees and pleading for forgiveness. And he will. Steve wouldn't be there to make compromises and make a fool of himself. He'll pay for dragging Steve through hell…

Steve's hand brought itself up and before he knew it, he smashed the razor into the sink. Bits of bright grew plastic and the handle flew off onto the tiles that watched his every movement. He plucked a single blade from the damp sink and brought himself into the large white tub…

 

* * *

 

Loki was half asleep when the news came. As if detecting an anomaly, his own body willed himself to wake. Something was very wrong. Loki heard the knob click, though very distant. Soon, Tony's voice made itself known, but it was very muffled and only barely coherent. Slowly, Loki realized where he was. Beneath his head were Bucky's two muscle hardened thighs and a strong hand stroked his side much like a sleeping kitten. Loki could feel the softness of his own hair shielding his face and creating a little black halo above his head. It was all gibberish to the god. 

_Natasha found something… hospital… something._

Loki sat up once he awoke fully. Loki didn't hear most of it but he knew enough. He caught the billionaire’s accusing gaze right before the man left. Loki turned to Bucky, pondering what on earth could be wrong. But before Bucky answered any questions, he carefully lifted Loki and stood.

“Come on. We gotta go. We owe it to him.”

The brunette pulled garments from the warm stack of neatly folded clothes and divested himself of his pajamas. Not one for neatness, the newly discarded items were tossed wherever Bucky's hand decides is suitable. Loki picked them up and folded them, confusion written all over his face. But he seemed to put two and two together because he began to dress as well.

The duo vacated their room, slightly bedraggled with strands of their hair sticking out in odd places. They'd have bags in their eyes in the morning.

Apparently, they weren't the only ones called. Wanda, Sam, and Vision had also stepped out of their rooms, all seeming to be just as tired as the rest. However, they weren't too tired to shoot glares at a very confused Loki. Saying he was the cause of this was far from a scurrilous claim… it could very well be true. After all, they'd all been aware of Bucky and Loki's budding relationship. Bucky, as observant as he is, caught their eyes, and immediately pulled Loki close to his side. Loki was with him. Nothing was going to happen to Loki as long as he was around.

Loki didn't know the full extent of what had occurred, but he _knew_ why they were directing their attention to him. Whatever reason Steve was in the hospital could easily be attributed to him. Steve was particularly healthy, strong, and there wasn't much that could pose a threat to him here…

Was it suicide? An attempt to suicide? Loki could never live with himself if it were true. He'd caused enough harm to innocent lives. And now this, because Loki couldn't wait for them to break up. Because Loki just couldn't **not** spread his legs.

He could practically hear their thoughts and exactly what they thought of him…

Loki and Bucky rode together in a a car separate from the rest. Before long, they were treading through eerily well lit corridors that smelled of well sterilized surfaces that masked disease and impending death lurking around every corner. Steps came in sync as rapid and frantic as their gait was. There was nothing but the sound of dress shoes and boots clicking rapidly against the well polished floors of the level leading up to where Steve was held hospice. To both, it was an extremely long walk, the silence between everyone made them feel highly out of place. And though they walked quickly, it felt like the hallways stretched for miles.

Because they both knew they were at fault. This was the product of Steve's unwavering devotion to Bucky and the result of being spurned. And though Loki was never actually told the full extent of the situation, he put two and two together. The poor blonde had had a drunken fit, hit a low, and either got alcohol poisoning or tried to kill himself. Maybe both.

The long winding route and endless pushing through different doors eventually led them to one final receptionist desk. A tired woman was stationed behind it, clad in pink scrubs with her hair in a low bun. Stickers and photographs sat neatly around her computer on which she busily typed away. It's Tony who requested Steve's number in his authoritative but friendly voice.

“4336, it's straight down there, third door to your left.”

Bucky held Loki's hand and squeezed it gently as they made their way there. Steve lay supine in a gurney, his skin pallid and the thin skin over his eyes were nearly pellucid. Thin purple vine-like veins were draped precariously over his lidded blue orbs. There was no color to his lips and cheeks as though the life had left him. His wrists were bound in gauze and he was held in place by various restraints if ever the thought of bringing harm to himself graced his mind once more. Tubes ran crimson liquid into the angry veins in Steve's hand to replace what he otherwise would have lost had he been left unfound. Bucky's heart was caught in his throat. Likewise, Loki’s stomach dropped and his knees fell weak. Loki had been in a similar situation before. He had tried taking his own life with the hopes of ridding himself of the burden of life's heartaches, only to wake up hours later in hospice. And then the pain would come rushing back and suddenly he had to face the music of what he'd done. He'd have to avoid gazes until people forgot. And they never would. Because the puny adopted prince was weak and everyone would look at him like he was so small. They'd gossip and ridicule him. And if they didn't, they treated him as though he was so frail, caution laced into each of their actions and woven into their words. And then he'd have to explain just what caused him to be so weak, to tell the people he thought brought him into this world and gave him life that he did not want this life. He'd have to tell those who fought to make him smile that they no longer kept him joyful. He hated it and the way everyone treated him so much different from how they usually did. Loki couldn't stand how his mother and Thor looked so helpless, saddened, and disappointed by him. Loki knew what it meant to wish he hadn't woken up. Such salient heartache to drive someone to commit such atrocity was _never_ something Loki would wish upon anyone.

On the turquoise recliner sat Natasha, her expression donning one of grim sadness. She only looked up to glare at the contentious pair with such callous antipathy. It was look not unfamiliar to the two, but they squirmed visibly. _This_ was their doing. The redhead had found Steve in his own pool of blood, barely hanging onto the last breath of life he had in him all because of Bucky's sin and Loki's promiscuity.

Her glare wasn't the outcome of vehement dislike. It was accusatory. She wasn't the only one pissed…

It doesn't come a surprise to Bucky when he caught sight of Nat eyeing them like prey, and then suddenly arose to strike. Loki turned away and elected not to look at her, knowing full well she was on her way to bring the wrath of hell down upon them. Several heads perked up and quickly went back down to attend to the previous task at hand. But Natasha had piqued their interest and they were all very much listening.

There wasn't much to hear, though, because Natasha drags the couple outside to have have a little chat. Loki heard the door shut gently and immediately exchanged a look with Bucky.

“Take a look at what you've done!” She hissed. “He could have died because of you and you both still have the nerve to show up?!”

Together, no less.

Loki raised an eyebrow. It would be much more concerning if they hadn't showed up. That would have shown complete apathy to Steve's plight and disregard to their mistake.

“We are here as friends, to serve rightful recompense. This isn't something we wanted. I didn't set out to hurt Steve, and you mustn't believe that we intended to make him kill himself!” Loki answered.

Natasha squinted her eyes at the two. “You're the last people Steve would want to see. You’re not friends. After what you did, after everything, do you really expect everything to be all rainbows and glitter?”

“No. We came here to apologize. I didn't mean to hurt him.” said Bucky. “And neither did I.” Added Loki.

“So, what are you trying to insinuate? Your panties dropped and you fell on Bucky and suddenly you ‘accidentally’ had sex? You ‘accidentally’ dated? You accidentally fucked around like a giddy little slut? If your intention wasn’t to hurt him, then why is Steve here in the first place? Obviously, you hurt him! And, you.” She looked to the laconic, glaring brunette who was indignant almost. Her words struck a nerve in Bucky but he knew better than to open his mouth now. They were both in the wrong and they had no place yapping when the product of their infidelity was slapping them in the face - in a gurney, rather.

“Everything you've done was on your own volition. You deliberately lied and cheated and every. single. thing. you did, you _knew_ exactly what you were doing! It wasn't an accident. You just weren't thinking!”

“Look.” Natasha sighed and ran her hands through her fiery red locks. She looked away.

“Stop being so inconsiderate. Have some shame. If you can't fuck off of each other then at the very least, be discreet about it! The least you can do is to keep whatever you are behind closed doors. I promise you, if I so much as hear Steve tell me he saw you two flirting, you won't even know what hit you. You should be glad Tony hasn't kicked you out yet. Neither of you should be here at all.”

Bucky crossed his metallic arm over the other, the artificial lights causing it to shine in various spots. “And you? What makes you so different? You worked with KGB. HYDRA, too.”

Natasha scoffed and rolled her eyes. That wasn’t necessary or even relevant. It's just an out of place low blow. “What makes me different is that I don't sit on my ass and lie to the people on my side.” She turned on her heel and went back inside.

“We can assume that she isn't the only one who feels this way..” Loki sighed moments after the knob clicked shut. Bucky shook his head. “Don’t let it get to you.”

Loki looked up at him as though it were the most preposterous thing he's heard. “Bucky, do you hear yourself? How can I let this go? I made a mistake. We both did. That man in there is hurt because of us! We brought him to the brink of death and he nearly succeedes. How can you bear it in mind that we caused this?!”

Bucky shut his eyes and let go of a small sigh. “Obviously I can't. It's bugging me too, but there's nothing we can do about it. All I'm saying is, don't take it to heart.”

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN DON'T TAKE IT TO HEART?!” Loki snapped and his blue eyes intensified and widened. There was a certain fire to them that Bucky had never seen before, but curiously still loved. How wouldn't he take it to heart? He wasn't a monster. No one deserved this. And if this were to happen to Loki, he would have done the same thing Steve had done.

Bucky watched as his features mellowed upon realizing he'd yelled and turned to be more apologetic. Bucky pulled Loki into his arms and rubbed the small of his capricious lover’s back.

“I just meant…” Bucky started, further soothing Loki’s tense muscles. “You aren't whatever they think you are. We fucked up and I admit to as much. But you are you, beautiful, wonderful, intelligent you, and whatever they say isn't who you are. Don't let them get to you. Don't be so hard on yourself.”

With that, they went back inside. But Loki knew his integrity had been destroyed and his name had been blackened beyond belief. He was disliked as is and for good reason. They had another far from frivolous reason to list in order to justify why Loki was anathema to them all.

Steve's visitors had sat down and made themselves comfortable for when the blonde wakes. They were without a care for how long it would take. Support was due. He needed to know there were people who cared. It couldn't have been any more apparent. They could all be asleep, and yet they chose to be by his side.  Wanda leaves to bring Steve gifts to put a smile on his face. Undoubtedly, it would remind him that there was still a few resilient souls that would go through hell and back with him.

Hours later, Steve roused himself from dreamless oblivion. White lights flooded his vision and the ever present scent of isopropyl alcohol overtook him. A white, dotted ceiling hovered above him, no longer a stranger to Steve's eyes from frequent visits to hospitals. Everything was in a tiresome shade of white that made him nauseous. God, he seriously hated waking up like this. The only other color that wasn't white was the turquoise recliner Nat was on. His friends turned family sat wherever they could, relaxed, preoccupying themselves on their phones or engaging in long perusal of a magazine or novel. Nat was closest to him and she was asleep. There was no telling how long they had all been there. He didn't know how he got here or who found him. All he knew was that he'd made a grave mistake…

These were all the people that could have been safe and warm in bed, but instead chose to be by his side. These were the same people that would lament his death if he didn't make it. Things could have gone so differently, so wrong, and they would be in a morgue instead of a simple hospital room.

Who found him? Steve couldn't imagine the way that their heart dropped and they panicked thinking they were about to lose him. Or worse, if they had already lost him? What horrors went through their mind? Not a single soul deserved to find him lifeless and splayed out in such a gruesome scene.

He watched Wanda working her thumbs away on her phone, looking glum as she rested her head upon Vision’s shoulder. The device betwixt her fingers had a white cable stuck to it, charging as she played. Sam flipped through yet another magazine with a pile stacked neatly by him, presumably ones he'd already gone through. Natasha silently slept, slouched on the ugly blue-green recliner with her hoodie up. Tony was on the floor, plugged in beneath Wanda’s phone and reading whatever was on his laptop. Pepper sat near him seemingly ready to nod off, but continued to read her novel.

And then… Bucky and Loki sat in their little corner, nestled stiffly and awkwardly against one another, absolutely conscious of what Natasha had told them.

Steve could tell that they'd much rather be curled together, practically conjoined, but had some semblance of restraint. He didn't know, however, the reason behind this, but quickly assumed that they must have felt _some_ kind of guilt. He wishes his actions would have brought Bucky hell, but it didn’t, because it wasn’t enough (clearly) to make him question his relationship it with Loki. That was wishful thinking, considering Bucky didn't have an ounce of remorse or even sympathy in him. But.. whatever. He's already established that it's over. As sad as it is… even if he knelt and begged and pleaded and even slashed his wrists, he would never have Bucky's love again. He turned away and shut his eyes.  He didn't feel like dealing with whatever repercussions there were.

With hindsight, he's happy he's alive. There were other people who cared. It wasn't just Bucky who would have had to endure the pain of loss and mourn Steve. He wasn't even sure if he would mourn… but he knew for sure that others will. Not just the Avengers, but the whole world. He had to be strong for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Idk why it took so long to update it but here it is ty to the handful of people still reading


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I started writing this a loooooong time ago and added bits and pieces to it everyday, only to erase some, and do it all over again. I was NOT feeling this chapter lmao

Loki and Bucky had to leave upon Steve's awakening. He wouldn't spare them a glass and much less did he want to speak with them. There was no apology to fabricate, no justification to force upon him. It happened. He's awake. And Steve  _ really  _ didn't want to speak to the reason he'd off himself 

They returned to the tower, practically dragging their feet, exhausted and completely lacking sleep. Both had bags under their eyes but they knew that the prospect of being well rested wasn't in their horizon. 

With tired feet, they trudged into Bucky’s bedroom. Things were just as they had left it; their blankets were in crumbled pools, no longer warm due to their absence. Their old clothes still sat neatly folded where Loki had left them. Bright morning sunlight cast its somber light gold rays through the large, leaded windows and the curtain that framed them danced gracefully with the wintry air that seeped through the small opening. Loki snatched their pajamas and pulled Bucky's sweater over his lean form. It smelled nice and felt so different from his own. There was something oddly comforting with wearing Bucky's clothes. Wordlessly, they climbed back into bed and held onto each other. Loki fell asleep easily, but Bucky's eyes never even closed. 

The cat was out of the bag now. Before, their gossip could easily be dismissed as baseless scurrilous attacks meant to vilify Loki. But now, the scandal had been confirmed and there was no denying what had happened. They had a reason to dislike both Loki and Bucky before and now they could justify sometime as bad as hatred. Even before, their stay here was highly disputable and not exactly welcome. It was bad enough what they'd done in the past, but now it's even more personal. How would Bucky protect Loki? Bucky knew what it meant to cower beneath his peers, to feel like all of his actions were being watched and magnified, to be the enemy among the protagonist camp… He hated it. Living day to day amongst people that would persecute him at any given second. Loki couldn't have been much better off. Being ostracized was something Loki surely felt twice as hard as Bucky did. He would be facing the brunt of it. He had the most blood on his hands.

 

Loki awoke two hours after, and the first thing came to mind was Steve, lying on that hospital bed, his wrists bandaged to protect self inflicted wounds that would leave more than a scar. It would serve as a testimony that would bring truth to their affair and all the pain that it brought. That  _ she  _ brought. 

She. 

Loki felt like a she today. So, she returned to her female form. Her body shrunk a little and Bucky's sweater became much larger on her frame than it already was. It loosely hung around her and also wrapped slightly around her silken thighs. 

If only Loki hadn't behaved with such desperation. Things would have been so much better. She didn’t think that being with her new lover was a mistake. But… What was it that came over her that she had to behave in such a licentious manner? Where was her preservation of dignity? And now if the red headed assassin hadn't come sooner than she did, she would have to bear in her conscience that once again, she unwittingly took an innocent life. Maybe not deliberately, but all of her actions took a toll on someone else. Always. And Loki knew Bucky wouldn't be able to live with himself either if Steve had not survived…   
  
He's recovering from taking lives he didn't want to take. Bucky was a good person… Maybe he didn't foster any love for Steve, but he had a conscience. It's what kept him suffering all these years. This would break Bucky…    
And this couldn't be further from the truth. Bucky's main focus was Loki and how life would treat her from then on. People loved Steve.. they were going to have problems. And there was nothing they could do to run from it. They were trapped.  

“What's on your mind?” Bucky inquired gently. He reached over and stroked Loki's cheek, whose eyes came to focus on the pretty blue orbs. 

“We need to leave.” 

“What?” 

It was then that Loki sat up, her expression no longer soft, but more assertive. “It is time to take our leave. It will do us no good to prolong our stay.” 

Creases appeared over Bucky’s furrowed brows, and his eyes flickered away momentarily. Loki was right - they knew this. Staying under the same roof as the one they'd wronged  _ and  _ his allies would not be wise. They would have to live with the constant reminder of their mistake and scandal by eyes that burned the back of their heads and whispers that brought about gossip that blackened his and Loki’s name. They would forever be condemned beneath a magnifying glass and held under the watchful eyes of harsh scrutiny. Gone was their integrity. Bucky didn't want to have to live everyday trying to avoid Steve and looking away from everyone and ignoring whatever it is they were all doing behind the backs or right in their faces. And what of Loki? The last thing he wanted was for his poor lover to endure the prospect of being the subject of everyone's hatred. They were trapped. 

They couldn't stay, no, not with everyone hating them for what they've done. But then they'd have to face the music of something else entirely. If they were to succeed in leaving, there were things far worse than being ostracized. For one, they were broke. Living in luxury could be attributed to Tony. This, the suit, the very clothes on their backs, food on their plates, everything they owned… Tony. The roof on their head was his. If they triumphed in leaving, the couple would have nothing. They didn't have a job. Hell, how would they manage to acquire a position anywhere? Where would they even stay? They're not citizens. Loki is an alien. Bucky is a hundred year old man with a shiny metal arm and the only place for him was working with the people that hated him. And that was  _ not  _ happening. They'd just be broke. Jobless. Maybe homeless. 

If only their setbacks could be pinpointed to just that. But of course, it couldn't, because Bucky can never truly escape HYDRA. They'll want him back. They'll want Loki, too. Say HYDRA wasn't a problem. Okay. Bucky was still an assassin. He's got blood on his hands and people would want justice. Loki, too, had blood on his hands. There would be people looking to either utilize them or put them down entirely. People would surely track them down. Bucky sighed, turning back to Loki whose eyes bore into him as she waited. 

“And where will we go?”

“I do not know. Away. Anywhere. Just… away. James, we put ourselves in such a precarious situation. We're walking on eggshells. We’ve been walking on eggshells. We can't stay.” 

Bucky sighed but doesn't disagree. He pulled Loki back down to hold him. They were never welcome here. The Avengers may have opened their doors to their former enemies, but only because a blonde meathead persuaded a particular goateed billionare. These people were ready to strike, searching for mistakes to rid themselves of the two as soon as the opportunity presented itself. And… it did. 

Even if it didn't… well… they couldn't  _ just  _ eat out of the palm of Stark's hand. They had to figure something out. This wasn't life. He wanted a home, to be independent, and to experience normalcy. Living in a compound full of circus freaks wasn't it. Feeling out of place every single day wasn't it. Having to either hide or lower their heads wasn't living. They were stuck here with the constant threat of being at each other's throats looming over them. Amelioration meant departure. Loki was right, Bucky decided. 

And for the first time in a long time, Bucky Barnes made a decision for himself. He decided right than that he was going to live. Get a job, pay his bills, buy his clothes, pay for rent, and feed himself. Maybe get a car. And Loki will be there, too. No more handouts. And, yeah, such plans would be so much harder to execute without Tony’s help. They’d need some sort of assistance. A head start. But they couldn’t keep taking. Bucky wanted to carry his own weight. He's burdened them all enough. If they found a way to hide, be able to sustain themselves, to lay low… they could live a life. A real, normal one. It would be difficult but… just the thought of leaving it all behind was alluring enough. Bucky was strong. Loki, too. They could figure it out.

The pair had rested long enough. It was time to get up off their asses.

“Go back to sleep. I'll figure something out. We’ll leave.”

Hours later, Bucky departed to pick up groceries. Neither had the gall to eat with the rest of the Avengers. Bucky preferred cooking now instead of having his meals brought all the way up to their room. Their pantry was nearly empty and a quick trip was due. Meanwhile, Loki was left in his own room to quietly search for possible jobs. Maybe they didn't need a job. Loki was good with magic. Bucky was strong. They could get a head start by perhaps pickpocketing. Robbing. However, Loki wasn't too keen on resorting to such drastic measures. The plan was to lay low. Money issues were a guarantee… but they were not indulging themselves in a life of crime. This could work. They could work. 

The only jobs they were qualified for were lowly occupations that paid in inadequate amounts. There were two of them. Meaning, there would be two meager paychecks coming in intervals of two weeks. (That was what Loki read. Pay days occur during the first and the fifteenth of every month in most cases.) Combined earnings would certainly be of help, but it wouldn't be enough to cover their expenses. Like Asgard, citizens were also taxed. Taxing was one thing. And then there were other factors to just how fucking impossible and unattainable this was. Pie in the sky. 

First of all, they had to find abode to take up residence in - which was hard, mind you, and just as impossible as scrounging up enough money for anything. And somehow, if they get it, they had to pay up front. Then there was rent. Bills, next. Water. Electricity. Possibly cable. Telephone bills. What's next? They would have to put food on the table. Three meals a day, for seven days, for four weeks, for twelve months and more months. They'd need insurance. Health and dental. If they had a car… that needed to be insured. Then they would have to pay gas. Far too many expenses for only two people earning twelve to fifteen dollars an hour. Not. Enough. Oh, and they had to  **furnish the house** on top of it all. 

It was then that a loud growl of frustration cut through the otherwise nice silence of his suite. Loki buried her face into the mattress and whined audibly. Who knew, maybe Bucky still remembered past skill sets. They could get financial aid? James was a soldier? That came with benefits. But… he kinda sorta worked with nazis and soviets, so that cancels out the service he's done, regardless of whether or not what he'd done was according to his own free will. Besides, it was a hundred years ago. He should be dead by now. Special circumstances didn't guarantee financial support from the government. Not when Bucky was heavily involved with a man who commenced a war amongst other beings with this very planet. And very nearly succeeded fulfilling what he was meant to do.  

Frankly, in the many years of Loki’s existence, monetary problems were not something she cared to indulge in. It was never a problem for the young gender bending princess, and she was happy she never had to deal with the burden of acquisitiveness. Money was the root of all evil, as mother told her. Never did she have to worry about when her next meal would come. Or how she would pay for certain things. 

Over here... it wouldn't be a problem. Life was free. Over here, ⅗ of the hierarchy of needs would be met. She'd he fed, clothed, sheltered, kept safe, and she had an intimate relationship… 

But they couldn't stay. 

Suddenly, a loud knock on the door interrupted Loki's thoughts. It was a heavy hand, clumsy, and with no proper regard to who was behind this door. Evidently, they didn't know how to knock, and might as well just punch a whole ass hole through the door. 

It was none other than the blonde oaf, Loki decided. 

“Come in!” Loki sighed. 

Thor entered, and immediately the room fell glum. They were a party of two, but the feeling really radiated from Thor. Grey skies were to be expected. 

“What troubles you, brother?” he asked, but Loki already knew. It was Steve. 

“I suppose you are already cognizant of Steve's current well being.” 

Loki responded with a soft sigh as her shoulders slumped. “I'm sorry you had to see that. Don't be too hard on yourself. Mistakes were made. Don't blame yourself. Loki, make amends.” 

Thor sat himself down carefully next to Loki. His blue orbs bear into Loki's soul. 

“I appreciate you looking out for me. Y’know… I get it. I have my fair share of regrets pertaining this matter, James too, and who is to say that Rogers was a saint? Because he wasn't. I would have apologized. I was there with them to do so. Why? Truthfully, it  _ does  _ bother me. I've been there. I know what it means to want to take my own life and I can't imagine the pain I've inflicted upon him. Even on my worst enemies I wouldn't wish it upon. I came to say sorry, to express my guilt, but he wasn't amenable. He wasn't the least bit receptive and there is nothing I can do about that.” 

Loki sighed and averted his tired eyes onto the monitor. He scrolled through a list of possible options in various neighborhoods near and far. Most of which were familiar, a recurring sight from various other websites. He’d see new ones every once in a while, but nothing truly set them apart from the rest. The rent was far too high…

It dawned on Loki that if they were to remain in New York, they would have to stay in some rundown part of town that most would flinch at the mere mention of it. Cheapest option. 

“It just happened. Last night. Give it time. He will heal and then he will forget. Steve is a good man and he will put it past him. And then you will have your much sought after amenability.”

Loki, ever so shameless with his effrontery, rolled his eyes in evident irritation. And she rolled her head to the side and stared at him, her head cocked. “No, brother, he does not forget. He never forgets. He let everything pass, but he did not forget. That is precisely why he is in hospice. He couldn't live with it any longer. And all right. Say he allows this to pass, too. He's a fool - that's what he is. He is a fool, he allowed this happen.”

“Because you made it happen!” Thor grunted. He loved Loki, but she was so god damn full of shit. It’s like she didn't give a rat’s ass about a single thing. But oh, Thor, ever so clever, knew that wasn't the case whatsoever. His sister was one to take everything personal. A facade may be in place, but Thor saw through. Too late, maybe, but he knew his sister. 

Loki gave a small huff. Thor looked away, and then slouched. They had a lot of talking to do. 

“Oh, so now I'm the whore? Is that it?” 

The elder of the two shut his eyes and squeezed the bridge of his nose. Round and round they go. When did he ever say  _ that _ ? And why? It was a statement so far fetched that Thor was ready to have a migraine. 

“Gods, Loki.”

With another roll of her buttery eyes, she returned to scrolling farther down the website. The options presented to him became less and less desirable. At first it was unattainable, and then it shifted and became… unwanted. “Please, just fix this.” Thor pleaded. 

When no response came to the thunder god, he frowned and snapped his head towards Loki’s laptop. 

“LOKI!” What the Hel this?!” 

Hm. So he did understand modern technology? Interesting. He must know what this was… otherwise Loki wouldn’t warrant such reaction. “I am searching…”

“For what?????”

“An apartment.”

“No shit! Sister, what is this? Sister, I forbid you to do this!” 

Loki finally shut her laptop closed. “You don't understand! Okay? You didn't let me finish. Maybe, somehow, I do acquire his forgiveness, no matter how unworthy I am, maybe he will be the bigger man and accept it. Okay. Now I would love that, but what then? Steve doesn't know what's best for him. His friends do. They all  _ hate _ me. They hate us. And if they could, we'd be gone. We were unwelcome here as is and we screwed up. I don't want to live every day knowing I am blacklisted. Not anymore. That's not the life I want.”

“So? You're just going to run away from your responsibilities? You won't apologize? Not even attempt to fix things? Where will you go? Loki, this isn't Asgard. Things are different. It is difficult. Tony is generous. Everything you'll ever need is here. You just have to fix a few certain things…” 

“But this is responsible.” Argues Loki. “Hiding, every day, that is not existence. I know they will speak badly of me. My name will never leave their mind, it has been blackened by my crimes, just as James’ has been. I don't want to live feeling inferior. It's been hundreds of years. I can't take it anymore. I want a life. I want to be happy and free and I don't want to live worrying about whatever everyone has to say about me. Please. Not anymore. No more brother.”

Thor watched as she spoke. There were no lies. No tricks. Loki was being purely, brutally honest. This was really how she felt… oh, god. Thor hated it. When he understood finally what Hel Loki felt under the extant shadow he cast over her, it hurt him terribly, and he couldn't express it enough to Loki how valid his talented, cunning, mercurial little sibling is. For a while, Thor thought she was gone. He wished he could have protected him more. He wished he wasn't so blind to it all… and worse, it wasn't just Thor’s shadow that kept Loki miserable all these years. Most individuals regarded him so terribly. Servants laughed at him. It was no way to treat royalty. People spoke unkindly of Loki, referring to him as the lesser brother, who wasn't his brother at all. She was bullied and gossiped about, disliked by many, and he spent his youth jaded and miserable. Yes, it was wrong to opt to run away from it all. Cowardly and selfish, but this was his little sister. He couldn't stand idly by while she suffered the turmoils of life.

He had to do something. 

Sure, forgiveness may come. But it will be superficial. They'd smile, they would hug, and once they turned around, they would be back to square one. Or maybe, she'd be treated with such scorn that Loki would give up trying to do what was right. 

Forgiveness wouldn't come from people who sought Loki’s crimes. They hated her off the bat and now they had more reason to. Loki deserved to be happy. Life owed her that. Being unhappy wasn’t life. It was merely existence. She found her happiness in the form of a mutilated super soldier, and that's good and all, but it wasn't enough. 

Thor pulled Loki into a big hug, to which his sister responded with sudden stiffness. But she relaxed, and held not tight. 

“Do not fret… I will help you. Your big brother is here.  I will not allow anyone to hurt you.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also just got my wisdom teeth pulled!!! All four! It was a trip man
> 
> Not as bad as I thought it would be tho.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've literally been writing this since Oct 21. It's March now. I am soooo sorry to the handful of you who care about this sorry.

“Hold on, stop the car here. Cameras do not point this way.” Thor pointed to a cracked, empty parking space behind several black walnut trees. Going on runs with the Avengers easily made him aware of such devices and the purpose they served. 

 

Loki turned the car and with ease, placed it in the allotted space. His newly acquired skill didn’t leave much to be desired for his teacher had been very patient with him these past few months. “Right here, brother?” 

 

It was all they could really do being that their presence wasn't so welcome after what they'd done to their precious Captain.  

 

“That's fine.” the blonde nodded. He gestured to the two in the car - Ned & Peter, to get to work. They were at the lot behind a Vons grocery store with Bucky, Loki, and Thor, getting ready to hack Tony fucking Stark's fucking opulent ass car. 

 

Over the course of a few weeks, Thor, Loki, Peter, & Bucky took generous withdrawals from Stark's account. Shame of avarice was out of the question, they needed it. And it wasn't like it was stealing, not necessarily - the billionaire granted them all free use of his sumptuous funds. Besides, after this, they'd be out of his hair, and they would take no more. The only thing that they were actually stealing was the car, but Thor planned to have either Miss Darcy Lewis or That Bitch drive it back to the tower or whatever.  

 

The two teenagers procured two laptops from within their packs and got right to work. Meanwhile, Bucky pulled a hoodie on and left with Thor to buy much needed groceries for their trip. It wasn't too extensive, but it was still better to be prepared should they encounter a random bout of munchies in the duration of their trip. Driving there would be about thirty hours, more or less. So, two days, with a few rest stops, or three if they really wanted to sleep for eight hours. Their actual destination and whole plan was to get to Thor's ex a few states away. He'd called in a few favors and they managed to secure a nice bed in her residence. And that would do. Loki simply wanted to be gone and out. The rest will follow. It didn't matter. Loki couldn't bear to spend another day hiding his face in shame at whatever mess they made. Not that he considered this a mistake, no, otherwise he'd have up and left a  _ long  _ time ago. The truth to the matter is that Loki was determined to run with this. With Bucky. 

 

He didn't care what the future held, they'll figure it out. Despite how childish their impetuous escape may be, the couple was determined to make this work. They'll make their own future.

 

* * *

  
  


Lo and behold, the two were on the road soon enough. States upon states away where cities turn into tiny, blinking dots, twinkling red lights from cars slowly disappear, and all that was left was the monotonous, eternal, and repetitive horizon of nothingness that stretched for hours on end. Somewhere on their way there, Loki taps away at the screen on the dashboard. It takes Bucky by surprise when Loki actually plays AND  _ sings _ along to the radio (currently playing music from a group called Placebo), and he chuckles a little. One would think that Loki was a bit too austere to enjoy such melodies. Engaging in such pleasantries such as this was a far cry from the stiff, rigid, and haughty air that seemed to follow Loki into every room and suffocate everyone there, his regality projecting throughout with a flamboyant grandeur that Bucky also found charming. That was the Loki everyone knew, yeah, even Thor. But with Bucky, Loki had always been a tad more personal. More, for lack of better word,  _ human.  _

 

And maybe he's just happy, but the farther and farther they became, Loki started feeling a little more weightless. They really were starting something, and that realization set in more and more. He would be with his Bucky where all he'd ever get was wholesome love and acceptance. The first face Loki would see will be that of his lover’s, and it would be the last. Everyday. No longer would they have to worry about wandering eyes… That was Loki's concern.

 

And, yeah, sure, they weren't  _ completely  _ in the clear. Fuck knows SHIELD and HYDRA would be on their ass for obvious reasons, and wouldn't be fucking off anytime soon, but God damn it, they'll deal with that later. Or, they won't, should they choose to go under the radar. 

 

Bucky admitted that their plan did have flaws. They had the  _ how _ part down - but then,  _ after _ ? That was a whole other story. But they'll figure it out. Yeah.

 

Hours later, the roads began to darken, and once again nothingness stretched for miles and miles, save for the occasional rotting and abandoned edifice. Dark gravel and yellow dashes in the road that seemed to blur into one continuous line morphed into a greyed dirt road half reclaimed by the earth it laid on. Clear blue skies became darkened with heavy clouds so grey that the two were certain that a storm would catch up to them. It started to rain, but soft, mere sprinkles that evoked a certain poignancy amongst that two that was almost pleasant. 

 

Until it wasn't. 

 

The wind began to howl, blowing the wind in all directions. Random The rain grew stronger to the point where their windshield wipers could no longer keep the glass clear enough to see through, the unforeseeable storm something they weren't at all expecting. They'd checked the weather, yeah, but a storm wasn't what ever mentioned in the forecast. 

 

Fog soon blanketed their surroundings, as if the rain wasn’t bad enough. The last thing Bucky remembered seeing is the slightly dilapidated shape of a house not too far from the vehicle. Driving was impossible with zero visibility.

 

Dry, barren road became flooded by roughly an inch of rainwater that made it slippery, reducing traction. 

 

Bucky and Loki shared a glance and no sooner than that did Bucky stop the car. 

 

Silence hung over them, which was quick filled by the howling of wind strong enough that made their car lurch forward just slightly. Blue orbs locked with concerned green ones, and Loki sighed. Thunder cracked and roared above them. A brief flash of white light enwreathed their car, and for a moment, Bucky thought they'd be struck next. 

“We need to get inside.” Maybe for the sake of not being claustrophobic inside a vehicle that perfectly showed the shitty conditions outside, maybe for their actual safety.

 

Whatever it was, the brunette agreed, and he pointed to a dark shape amongst the blurry cloud and unruly rainfall. “There's a house right there. Maybe we can stay there.” 

 

Moments later, they gathered one of their bags and quickly fled the vehicle, going straight into the storm unprotected. Regardless, if they'd gone out with an umbrella, they'd be soaked. The wind was so harsh that it seemed to carry rain upwards. Standing against it all proved to be another problem, and walking another. 

 

Long, stringy hair whipped and thrashed about in the wind, so strong that it stung a little as it hit pallid, frozen cheeks. They fought against it as best as they could. It seemed to last forever but soon, after being drenched to the bone, they eventually made it to the dark brown, rotted exterior of a farmhouse. Its wood alone was chipped and cracked, sunken partially into the soil it was built into. Their chances in the car might have been better. If lightning doesn’t strike and kill them, the house collapsing would. Doubt cast over them both, but they quickly decided that they would much rather be in there. 

 

Bucky held tightly to their single luggage, shivering, as he scrambled up the creaky porch and into the house. As soon as he turned the knob, the door just swung open thanks to the wind blowing against it. It became practically glued to the wall. Loki followed suit, frowning as the brunette shivered profusely.

 

Wind blew in and the once undisturbed and quietly shriveling household turned into a sudden bedlam of glass breaking, crashing, and furniture flying off. Bucky and Loki both had to put their back into pushing that door shut, all to achieve some sort of respite. 

 

It lasted two hours, their rest. Before the ceiling came crashing down and water began to fill the previously untouched home. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm dissatisfied but I can't sit and write this story for the life of me. But it seems I can write anything else. 
> 
> I published something new. Pls check it out!  
> Oh. Also. Still looking for RP partners!!


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